Silver Dew
by MirrorSlash
Summary: A Chryed story, of course!   Based on a dream I had about my favourite EE couple, following the engagement...  My first fanfic, so comments would be appreciated! xD  Rated M for a few...erm...raunchy scenes ;   FINISHED NOW :DD
1. Chapter 1

**-Silver Dew- **

**This is my first ever fanfic, so I hope you enjoy ! :) **

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><p>"<em>Sye. I love you…so much. Please, will you marry me?"<em>

_Syed smiled at his life partner. His fiancé. _

"_I would love to." _

_Christian beamed wider and stood, pulling Syed closer towards him. Syed raised a hand and wiped a silver-dew tear from Christian's cheek. "Stop it! You'll make me start!" _

_Christian shook his head. "I can't believe it. We're doing this Sye. We're getting married!" _

"The wedding's off!" Syed yelled, crossing his arms over his chest angrily. "Just forget it!"

Christian stared at Syed, dumbfounded. The weight of the words hung heavily in the air between them. He'd never seen Syed this angry before, and even so, what right did he have to display his anger now, _today_? All Christian had done was…

"Fine!" he said, wanting to apologise to take away his boyfriend's hurt, but too proud to do so. "Fine." He repeated stupidly.

Syed stared at him for a moment, with a look Christian couldn't quite decipher.

"I want you to leave," he said quietly.

"What?" Christian asked, his voice dangerously quiet. "It's my flat." Even now, in the heat of the argument, he couldn't resist trying to soften his tone. "I mean, I mean, it's _our _flat."

"Okay," shrugged Syed, reaching over to the sofa's arm and grabbing his leather jacket. "I'll go."

As Syed started to turn, Christian shook his head silently, realising his mistake. It was one thing for himself to leave. It was another to see his lover turn and walk away. He couldn't watch. He just couldn't. It was like they'd gone back a whole year.

Only he'd seen the determined look in those beautiful eyes.

This time he wasn't coming back.

"Sye…" he managed to choke out.

Syed turned around. "We can't work this out can we? Every time we do, we end up fighting."

"But I need you. And, what about our child…?" was all Christian could say. He looked down, bottom lip trembling but fighting the urge to cry. He'd never been afraid to cry in front of Syed, because he'd always understand. He'd always be there to wipe the tears away. Literally.

He composed himself. He was a grown man for goodness sake! Thirty seven now. He sighed. How had they gotten to this place? All he could think of now was the child they'd said they were going to adopt. _Children. _A boy and girl. A son and a _daughter_. To raise with Syed. To have a _family. _

Syed's face twisted in shock. "So that's all you want me for? Children?" He made a noise that teetered between extreme pain and disgust. "You're going to have to find a woman for that, Christian," he said pointedly. "I'm going to Zainab. Can't believe I gave up my own _mother_, for you! She was right. I never loved you. I could never…"

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><p><strong>So...stuff probably came up dodgy, but I'm new to this site, so it'll get better. Promise! :P <strong>

**(I am also aware that this chapter, and also the next, are quite short! They will be longer in the future...) **

**Comments/Feedback please? They would be so appreciated! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Direct continuation from the previous chapter... **

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><p>"NO!" Christian sat bolt upright, his heart beating so fast he could barely breathe.<p>

"What is it?" Syed was instantly awake, blinking fast, trying to get his eyes accustomed to the darkness. He could just see Christian's silhouette beside him. He placed an arm on Christian's. "What's wrong?"

Christian said nothing for a while and continued to breathe heavily. Finally he spoke, as if strangled. "Bad dream."

"Aww, come here," Syed said, taking hold of his hand and pulling him down, so their faces were just inches apart. "Tell me about it."

Christian expelled a deep sigh. "Don't worry. I'm fine."

"No you're not. Come on, eh? I want to know. I want to make you feel better."

Christian smiled in the darkness at Syed's aim-to-please personality. "Thanks, love. But trust me, I'm fine, I just…I love you, you know that? And, you love me…" He drifted off, realising how stupid he sounded.

Syed's let go of his hand and instead wrapped his arms around Christian's muscular frame. "What sort of question is that? I'm marrying you aren't I?" he teased. To his surprise, he didn't hear Christian's familiar chuckle, just a sombre;

"Tell me, Sye."

"Of course I love you. What the matter?"

"It's just...I had a dream…you left me…"

To Christian's surprise, Syed didn't sound the least bit concerned.

"Oh Christian – it's just a dream." Syed said soothingly.

"I know, I just…ugh. Look at me. I'm sorry," Christian raised his head to look at their alarm clock. "It's three in the morning. You have that interview in a few hours. You should be getting some sleep!"

Syed debated, stifling a yawn. "If you're sure you're okay?"

"Of course." A short pause. "Just…kiss me?"

Christian relaxed as he felt the familiar warmth of Syed's lips press against his. He pulled away reluctantly.

"What?"

"Morning breath," Christian grinned.

"Oi! Cheeky," Syed shook his head. "Right, goodnight."

Christian could tell by the way he said it that he was smiling. "Night," he smiled back.

Christian stayed awake, pressed up close to Syed, who still had his arms around him. It should have been perfect. So why did he have that feeling in the pit of his stomach?

The feeling that something very, very bad was about to happen.

"Christian?"

He almost jumped. "Thought you were asleep?"

"Just so you know…I'd never leave you, okay?"

"Okay, Sye."

And after a few more shuffles, Syed nestled his head, not on his pillow, but down on Christian's chest, and fell asleep.

Christian lay and watched his fiancé until their alarm went off four hours later.

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><p><strong>So through the preview I can see that the chapters are shorter than intended! Whoops! I shall make them longer in the future... <strong>

**Again, comments always appreciated! Also, if anybody has any ideas for where they would like this story to go? As usual, the dream came in fragments and so at the moment I only have a *very* rough idea of where this story is going! **

**Thank you! :)x **

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><p><strong>sS<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**What if. **

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><p><strong>Okay, so thanks to all the people that reviewedsubscribed. Means a lot! **

**So here…are the next two chapters. **

**I apologise in advance for any mistakes…**

**Oh, and because everybody's been doing this, I'm guessing it's necessary to avoid future lawsuits or something…?**

**I don't own Syed and Christian (Or Roxy, Zainab, Ian, or Jane for that matter. All the characters from Eastenders featured are…exactly that. Not mine!) They belong to the BBC. No copyright/infringement intended. **

**There :) A few invented characters thrown in along the way, btw. (As far as I know, Steve Lewis doesn't exist… :P) **

**Anyway, enjoy :) **

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><p>"Sye!"<p>

Syed turned to see Christian and Roxy jogging up to him. Well, Christian was jogging; Roxy was half-limping, half-dragging herself along the pavement.

"Oh…hey," said Syed, totally caught by surprise.

"How'd your interview go?" Christian beamed. The two had clearly been jogging for a while; Christian's vest top was drenched with sweat, and it was plastered to his upper body, if anything, defining his muscular form more than ever.

Syed knew that was one of the reasons Christian loved being a Personal Trainer for a living. It allowed him to jog casually around the square, getting others, men and women alike, to check him out, practically yelling, '_Yeah, I know I'm gorgeous, but get what? Want me, can't have me!" _

Syed felt proud to be the reason Christian was 'taken.'

"Yeah…how…was it?" Roxy panted. She was bent over double, her hand pressing into her side. "Ahh, we've got to have a break. I'm dying!"

Christian rolled his eyes."We're not even half way yet!"

Roxy looked like she was about to faint.

Syed laughed at the two of them. They were like brother and sister. One moment they'd be getting along, and the next, they'd practically be at each other's throats, and of course, Syed was always the peacemaker. Now, The Peacemaker made a face, "Mm. It was alright. Just finished actually." He tried to smile, but the smile faltered as he thought back to his interview with Steve Lewis, the director of '_Covered' - _the local magazine. He'd been applying for a job as a journalist.

"Hey, hey…" Christian said, stepping forward. "I'm sure it went great!" He opened his arms up for a hug.

Syed made another face as he took in Christian's sweat-drenched form. "I'm good thanks," he grinned. "Too sweaty."

"Shame. Not like you to decline embracing my body when it's covered in my own natural perspiration!" Christian winked.

"Christian!" Roxy squealed. "Just…please!"

Syed shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, but that's different, that's…"

Christian laughed loudly. "I'm kidding. I'm sure it went great, Sye." Then he gestured at Roxy, "Listen, I'm just going to go flog this old horse into shape, then I'll meet you back at the flat, yeah?"

"Sounds good," Syed nodded. As he walked away, Syed was sure he heard Christian mutter,

"Ow!" Which was promptly followed by a high-pitched squeal.

"That's what you get for calling me _old_?"

"You forgot horse! … Ow! _Roxy_!"

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><p>Christian launched himself onto the sofa beside Christian.<p>

"So."

"So," Syed smiled.

"What caused all the wobbles back there, eh?" Christian nudged him gently.

Syed sighed, "Don't worry. I was being silly…I guess I was just stressed. What, with our adoption meeting happening tomorrow…"

Christian made a noise that could be described as nothing less than a _squee_, grabbed Syed's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Can't wait."

His boyfriend gave a troubled sigh. "Christian…will they honestly let us have a child? I'm unemployed, my parents hate me, you never knew yours…and, on top of that, I'm still married." Syed took a deep breath and continued, "To Amira."

"That was over a year ago. You were married for what, a few months?" Christian exclaimed.

"Yes, but on file…it's not going to look good. I mean, officially…"

Christian leant forward and ran his hands through Syed's dark hair. "Officially, I say you should stop worrying about this and being silly, O.K?"

Syed expelled a breath of warm air. He loved it when Christian did that. As a child, his mother had always sung him to sleep, stroking his head gently. He had once told Christian it made him feel '_like a cat being spoiled,'_ much to his obvious amusement.

"I'm just saying…" Syed eyes fluttered shut, "I mean, shouldn't I contact Amira? Go through the divorce proceedings?"

"No, no, no." Christian shook his head vehemently. "If she wanted to be found, she would've been done so by now. In a way, her not coming back has more or less announced your divorce. She wants nothing more to do with you."

"Thanks," Syed winced, "I hurt her badly."

"It's in the past. And_ I_," Christian ruffled Syed's hair and kissed him on the forehead. "Want _everything _to do with you."

Syed smiled complacently. They sat there for a moment or two, just relishing the sweetness of the moment.

"But Christian," Syed whined, "What if…"

"What if nothing! Come on, you're tired. Let's get to bed. Important day tomorrow."

"What if our child hates me?" Syed blurted.

"Children are smart, Syed. Nobody with half a brain could ever hate you."

"My mum does," he sighed.

"Exactly."

"Shh!" Syed pushed gently against Christian's chest. He grew quiet again. "What if…"

Christian rolled his eyes. Once Syed was started, it was almost impossible to shut him up. Well, two could play at that game. "Yes, Syed. What if a black hole suddenly opened in the middle of the Argee Bhagee and it dragged everybody into it…?" _Zainab first, _Christian thought wryly.

"Stop teasing me!"

"You bring it upon yourself! But seriously, what if…what if I got really ill? And I became really ugly, and I lost these babies…" Christian flexed his muscles. "Would you still stay with me?"

"You know I would!" Syed insisted. "What if…I became really crap in bed, and…"

"_Became_?" Christian joked. "I'm kidding!" He said, unable to stop laughing at the expression on Syed's face.

"Let's go to bed," Syed said suddenly.

"It's half nine, Sye! I was half kidding earlier…"

Syed leant forward and pressed his lips against his boyfriend's. Then his mouth trailed lower, salt and pepper kisses sprinkled across Christian's neckline. The way he knew he liked it. "I didn't mean to sleep," he murmured.

Christian's smile widened. "No? What did you have in mind?"

Syed leant forward and whispered, his hot breath tickling Christian's nape, although he wasn't sure whether it was that, or Syed's suggestion that sent a shiver through his body. Like some sort of electric current.

"Ooh…" Christian sucked in air through his teeth, trying but failing to repress a grin. "Syed, you bad boy…I thought that was for special occasions only?"

"This _is_ a special occasion. We're going to have a child soon!" Syed said, standing up, grabbing Christian's hands and leading him to the bedroom.

"Okay, but just so you know Sye, what we're about to do, well, I mean, _officially _speaking, on paper, it wouldn't…"

"Shut up!" Syed admonished. "I'm in charge tonight."

"Or are you now? We'll see about that," said Christian, as he was pulled into their bedroom.

They didn't even bother to shut the door.

"Well that was…" Christian searched for the word. "Odd."

He and Syed had done nothing really. Nothing but cuddle and chat about their future together.

"I'm not changing my surname!" he'd informed Syed.

_Christian Masood._

It just didn't have a ring to it.

They'd spoken about their future children, the family they were going raise, in fact, about the wedding itself. Every now and again, there'd be a touch, a whisper, a cuddle that was more than comforting, or a kiss that lingered, but for once, it didn't start anything. Christian realised that this was he both liked, but also surprised him, about Syed Masood. Just being in his presence was exciting.

"Must be getting old," he said.

"I could stay like this forever," Syed whispered happily.

"Yep. Practically ancient."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Like, Brucie old..."

"Hey, you know he's one of my idols!"

"What do you need an idol for when you've got me?" demanded Christian with pure arrogance.

"Aha! That got your attention!" Syed paused. "You're going to make an amazing Dad, Christian."

Christian sighed. "I hope so. I want to be the father I never had. I want to hold her, read her favourite fairytales to sleep, take her with you to her first school day, teach her how to ride a bike…hell, everything! And you know what helps? The fact that, when I mess up, you'll be there. Then, when she grows…" Christian grinned, "Help her through all her boy troubles…"

Syed laughed. "Oh yeah, I can definitely see that one." He coughed and did his best impression of his fiancé, "Nahh, you don't want him, darling. I'd only rate him a seven myself. Or… come on! _Him? _The guy just _screams _gay…"

It was Christian's turn to laugh. The two men had had their share of jokes about the high accuracy of Christian's gay radar in previous times. Syed smiled to himself. After all, he'd detected and picked up Syed, hadn't he? And Syed had been the most enigmatic closet case of all.

Christian pulled Syed closer to himself, letting out a deep sigh as their bodies melded together. It'd had always been like that. They were so perfect for each other. Christian wondered how anybody could have ever doubted it. He remembered his earlier nightmare and cringed. He'd been stupid to let his subconscious thoughts worry him.

"Christian?" Syed said. His boyfriend recognised his questioning tone and turned his hazel eyes to him in interest, raising his eyebrows ever so slightly.

"Yees?" he mimicked.

"You're not disappointed, are you?"

"About what?" He was genuinely confused.

"You know…" Syed blushed. "Tonight…" he gestured at the bed they were laying in. "I mean, after what I said we'd…"

Christian understood immediately. He cupped Syed's chin and gently forced him to turn and face himself. "Don't be silly! Besides, if we did that tonight, I'd have to get you a new present for your birthday!"

"Oh yeah!" Syed bit his lip. It was next Monday. He'd completely forgotten!

"Don't tell me you forgot your own birthday?" The guilty silence said it all. "Typical Syed Masood!"

Christian shook his head, his tone softened. "Too wrapped up in me to take any notice of yourself. You're the complete opposite of selfish."

"Hey, you know what they say…"

"No, what's that?"

"Opposites attract?"

Christian made a face. "I would hit you…" he yawned, "But I'm honestly too damn tired."

"Well," said Syed, "After the meeting with the adoption agency tomorrow, you're not working, I'm done with following up certain job prospects…you can abuse me as much as you want to." Syed did all but wink at his partner.

"Funny. There I was thinking a candlelit dinner, a stroll along the river…but your idea sounds much better." Christian yawned again, "But _abuse?_ You know you love it."

"Of course."

"And they say romance is dead, eh? You, my friend, have a very dirty mind."

"I learnt from the best."

Christian opened his mouth to deliver his counter-argument, and then shut it again. "No, yeah. That's true."

And even after they fell silent, they both knew what each other was thinking.

Their hopes, their fears, their dreams, lay stretched before them, in what seemed like endless years of blissful togetherness.

And it would all start with the meeting.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Meeting**

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><p><strong>So….I've never actually <strong>_**been **_**inside an adoption agency, but, I did my research =D**

**Mmm…give me a break if you know more than I do. **

**Give or take, let's call it Artistic License :) **

**Hope you enjoy! **

**MirrorSlash xx **

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><p>"So, Mr. Clarke and Mr. Masood, we understand you are seeking to adopt a child?"<p>

Christian nodded eagerly. "That's right."

The cold, steely eyes of a man in his mid fifties, with thinning hair and round glasses, stared coolly into Christian's eager ones, and then into the slightly quieter, more concerned, darker eyes of Syed Masood.

"My colleagues and I," Mr. Manning turned, as if to reinforce the point that he _had _colleagues, to his right, then slowly to his left, where a young lady sat, a look of disinterest on her face, and where another man, in his thirties sat, also regarding them over the rims of his glasses and looking thoroughly displeased. Mr Manning continued, "…have looked over your case."

"Is there a problem?" Syed asked, feeling nervous. Christian shot him a look that said, '_relax.' _

"Hmm." Mr. Manning said, readjusting his glasses and looking through a thin file. It was hardly an encouraging answer, but nonetheless, Syed tried to smile back. He and Christian exchanged worried glances. "Of course, you know, Mr. Clarke and Mr. Masood, that it is important the child is brought up in a home surrounded by warmth, patience, understanding…"

"We know," Christian nodded.

Mr. Manning held up his hand for silence. "…What's more, it is imperative that both you, and your _partner_, are well supported by family and by friends."

_My mother…_Syed looked helplessly at Christian.

"I can assure you that we have many friends in Walford, Mr. Manning," Christian said quietly.

"It seems so," he said, yet his voice still sounded negative. "Apart from one Zainab Masood, who has claimed you are both-" He peered into the folder. "'Unfit to raise a child together?'"

He delivered the quote questioningly. Not questioning the truth behind it, but rather challenging them to deny it.

Syed felt his heart sink. He knew it. Of course. Every time he was happy, his mother would appear and try to destroy everything he had. This time, she had really excelled herself. It was a devastating pre-emptive strike to prevent something they hadn't even obtained yet!

"How did she find out we were looking to adopt?" he hissed at Christian.

"I don't know. I mean…I told Roxy but…"

Syed glared. Christian knew how he really felt about her. "Who in turn would've told Jane, which would've gotten round to Ian, who would've told my father out of spite, which leads straight back to my mother…" Syed realised in an anguished whisper.

"Mr. Manning, Miss Connolly, Mr. Hughes," Christian turned back to the three representatives at the adoption agency, "Zainab Masood…" for a moment, he turned and looked apologetically at Syed, then he got lost in his rant, "…is a cold, selfish, cruel woman. A vindictive creature, who, throughout the past year, has done nothing to support our relationship. I can assure you, when she spoke, it was not out of concern for the child, and I am looking forward to hearing what she backed up that absurd statement with." Christian fumed.

Mr. Manning did not looked moved, "Irrespective of that, Mr. Clarke, it remains clear that Mr. Masood's mother does not support this action. The child needs supporting relatives. Which brings us onto another important question, "Have either of you been, or are currently, in a sexual or even marital relationship with anyone besides each other?"

Before Syed could reply, Christian jumped in, "No, absolutely not."

_Christian! _Syed didn't turn to look but he mentally screamed at the man sitting beside him. What was he doing? If the agency found this was a lie, that he was really married to Amira, all plans for a baby would be off.

"Mmhmm." Mr. Manning muttered, scribbling something in the file. "Also, what are you plans for supporting this child?"

"Well, Christian is a Personal Trainer and I…" Momentarily, Syed faltered, but Christian shot him another look. This time, the message was simple but powerful; '_Be strong.' _Syed took a deep breath. "I am currently unemployed but actively looking for a job. I hope to own my own restaurant some day…"

"Ambitious," stated Mr. Manning.

"I am very ambitious," Syed said, with such force that another emotion, apart from pure disapproval, crossed Mr. Manning's face.

Was he impressed? Who could tell?

"Christian and I are moving into a bigger flat, and we are also getting married…"

"I see. When is the marriage due to take place?"

"Next month," Christian interjected. Syed kept his face neutral, even though this was the first he'd ever heard of it.

Mr. Manning wrote something down.

"Perhaps my mother doesn't quite approve," Syed spoke into the frosty silence, in a desperate attempt to thaw the atmosphere. "But there are so many people, so many friends, that do!"

Christian placed a hand on Syed's knee and squeezed it gently. He could hear the upset in Syed's voice. "Besides, this child needs a loving environment, right? In that case, there is no better place for them than with us." Syed put both his hands on Christian's. "I love this man with all of my heart and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. We will love this child," Syed spoke slowly and clearly so everybody in the room would understand. "Just…as…much."

Christian turned to smile soppily at Syed. He knew Syed loved him, of course he did. It was just very rare that he would admit it – especially in public. That was never what Christian had wanted. Not public acknowledgement, not really. He'd just wanted…acknowledgment of some sort. He squeezed Syed's leg again, to let him know how much the speech had meant to him.

"Thank you for dropping in," Mr. Manning rose abruptly from his desk. "You will be contacted shortly."

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><p><strong>Knackered after writing that and checking it through. <strong>

**And there are probably still mistakes in it. **

**(I'm sure adoption agencies are much friendlier in real life! ) xD**

**Anyway, please please review…they make me happy! :') xx **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks everyone for your support! Makes it so much easier to continue – I never knew how much effort had to go into writing these… **

**Oh, and forgot to mention – Thank to Sarah for pointing out a few inaccuracies in this fanfic. Got to admit, I'm fairly new to both Eastenders AND fanfic, so I don't know much about what happened before I started watching the show (which wasn't that long ago!) Most parts I know, but some I'm just bluffing my way through ;) I think that's what people on here call fluff?**

**So, this chapter is slightly more *cough* intense than the previous ones… It'll be the only one like this simply cause, I wanna focus more on their emotional relationship/troubles etc. **

**So...**

**Here's some more fluff... :D **

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><p><strong>Good things come to all who... <strong>

"Wait!" Syed walked three times the normal speed to catch up with his boyfriend, who was marching angrily up to their front door. "Christian? Wait!"

"Bloody homophobes," Christian fumed as they reached their flat. His hands shook as he tried to slot the keys into the lock, remembering the people from the agency. "Stupid bastards…"

Syed didn't know what to say. But the torrential rain made up his mind for him. "Here, let me…"

Christian didn't hear him. "Did you hear the way he said 'partner' like…like…" He sighed, gripped the key tightly and turned to rest his back against the front door. "I'm tired, Sye. I'm tired of being condemned everywhere we go."

"Don't be silly. Remember what you're always telling me? We can do everything; beat anyone, as long as we have each other!" Syed yelled to be heard above the rain. He was soaked, shivering, but Christian didn't seem to notice, his own hair plastered to his forehead.

Christian smiled. "You think I'm so strong, Syed. Remember when you called me your superman?"

"I meant it too."

"Yeah, well, Superman doesn't know how much longer he can go on," Christian stated simply.

"He can with Robin by his side," Syed smiled.

"That's Batman you idiot!" Christian said affectionately. "I just don't understand how people can be so…so…" he gave up in frustrated by how inarticulate he was at describing other people's idiocy.

Syed gently slipped the keys out of Christian's hand. "Come on," he said lightly, slipping it into the lock and swinging the door open.

"Seriously, people are just so…" Christian didn't finish the sentence, instead, slamming the door behind him. Syed knew how passive Christian really was. He couldn't be violent to save his life. He understood that Christian just needed to vent his feelings.

"Just, why?" Christian snapped, looking at Syed as if expecting him to have all the answers.

He didn't, so instead he just shrugged helplessly, fully aware that Christian looking 'angry' was even sexier than usual. "How are you so calm?" Christian burst out, vexed.

Oh he wasn't. The people at the agency had been, as Christian had so sensitively put it, 'bloody homophobes,' but Christian was emotional enough for the both of them right now. "One of us has got to be," Syed shrugged. He walked over to Christian, putting a hand on Christian's arm. "Come on, you're freezing."

Christian looked up at Syed for the first time since they'd left the agency, his anger dissipating. "You're too good to me, Sye. How can I return the favour?"

The last suggestion, despite the fact that he was absolutely drenched from the rain, sent a warm flush through Syed's body. "I…" he shook his head - his turn to lose his tongue and sense the frustration of his own inarticulation.

The was a sudden clap of thunder followed by a flash of lightning outside their window, but the electricity generated in the darkness of the evening outside was nothing compared to the intensity of the electrical energy that ran and pulsated both through, and between the two men.

Christian stepped forward, immediately reducing the distance between the two of them. He reached up his hand to touch Syed's face, gently wiping away the rain droplets.

"You're wet," he said unnecessarily.

"Yeah, we should probably get out of these clothes, Christian…"

Christian leaned forward. "Before you catch a cold…"

The rest of the sentence was cut abruptly short as he kissed Syed with a passion neither of them had experienced for weeks. Their tongues slid over each other, in a fierce competition, but also a strange togetherness that both scared and excited Christian. Syed tightened his grip around Christian's neck, pulling him even closer, terrified of letting go for even a second, returning the kiss with an intense ferocity, that it seemed as if he were desperate.

Maybe he was.

Without pulling away, Christian reached out and tore Syed's jacket from him.

"Too many clothes," he said, sounding frustrated.

Syed pulled off his t-shirt, discarding the wet piece of fabric on the floor.

"Better?" he murmured.

Christian looked at Syed, an intense heat running through him, coursing through every part of him. His groin stirred and instantly, his earlier anger disappeared. It was replaced now by a sort of animalistic hunger that wanted to rip off Syed's clothes, fling him down and then fuck him the entire night. It was replaced by an insatiable thirst that only Syed could quench.

Christian was breathing heavily now, no longer able to control himself. Yes, he could drink in every moment with _Sye, _every second, and still thirst for more.

His voice came out in a rush, thick with lust and desire.

"Much."

Without much thought, he pushed Syed back, and without realising it, they were in the kitchen.

Syed's back connected – not too gently, either- with their fridge. Christian reached his hands up, running them through Syed's hair, crushing his lips against Syed's, pressing his body up against him, no longer trying to ignore his erection; his throbbing cock hardening in pleasure as it rested against Syed's own.

Syed's leant against the cool surface, his mouth stretched wide open in ecstasy and Christian's hands slid down...further...creeping their way to his jeans, pulling them down with impatience.

"Pants?" Christian smirked, "Not boxers today? No?" His face less than an inch away from Syed's. His breath was hot against his face. It was as if they were breathing as one. Living as one. _Being _as one.

Syed closed his eyes. How embarrassing.

A smile curled on Christian's mouth, and Syed brought his hand up, traced the crimson lips.

"I like it," Christian said.

Syed opened his eyes.

"Take your clothes off," he said, too far gone now to care for decency, to even attempt to hide his wantonness. He looked down smugly, thinking about how much he wanted the man in front of him. He saw Christian's bulge of muscles through his vest top, and then the tell-tale bulge slightly lower down, straining against Christian's skin tight jeans.

A minute later they were both naked, both looking at each other with an intensity that just became unbearable. Christian let his arms slide around Syed's waist. Syed succumbed completely to Christian's will.

"I'm all yours tonight," he whispered.

Christian looked down at the perfect eyes, the slim cheekbones, that mouth...

He kissed it lingeringly, then he trailed down to Syed's collarbone, peppered it with kisses...

He dragged Syed down, until they were both lying on the kitchen floor. Christian straddled him, his breath ragged. Once again he kissed his body, fervently and Syed let out a small moan as Christian's soft lips trail-blazed across his skin. He felt like he was burning up, one hundred percent ill with unabashed lust for Christian Clarke.

Christian's heart thudded. He could barely breathe. Lowering himself down even more on Syed, he groaned as he rubbed himself against him, felt their cocks harden fully, and knew Syed wanted him as much as he did.

Christian's hands fumbled lower, stroking and squeezing gently, while Syed writhed uncontrollably beneath him. His eyes met Christian's and locked – desperation upon desperation. Christian eyes – that fiery green gaze- were now twinkling mischievously, enjoying what he was doing and doing it as slowly as possible. Christian continued to rub his hand slowly up and down, faster. He stopped suddenly. Syed shivered as he felt soft lips press against his navel, then gasped as Christian's mouth enveloped his cock, warm and wet.

Something escaped from his lips. Something on the boundaries of pain and pleasure. With no bedsheet to hold onto, he grabbed Christian's legs, as his mouth slid up and down the shaft, his tongue flickering, caressing dangerously...

Syed's entire body shook. "Christian..." he gasped.

The telephone rang.

Christian replaced his mouth with his hand. "Don't pick it," he muttered, lowering himself down and nibbling Syed's bottom lip gently.

Syed closed his eyes and sighed as Christian's rain-soaked body bore down possessively on him.

Still, his responsible half made him sit up.

"It could be important," he mumbled,

Christian glanced up, watching Syed's backside retreat into the bedroom. The things he could do...the things he would do to Syed, made him flush not with embarrassment but heated anticipation. He couldn't clamp down the urge to probe, stretch, explore...each time, it was like something new.

There was no way he was going to wait here for him.

He jumped up and followed Syed, who had found the phone and was sitting on their bed, deliciously naked, trying his best to engage in a normal phone conversation, despite being fully naked and fully turned on.

"Hello? Yes, this is Syed Masood."

Something about him sitting there, innocently against the bed sheets made something animalistic rise within Christian. His voice grew guttural as he said,

"Turn over."

Without even hesitating, Syed rolled over, allowed Christian to straddle him again.

Syed shivered as he felt the familiar sensation of Christian entering him. "Mmm," he spoke into the phone, a little too delectably, causing Christian to wonder whether it was brought about as a response to the person on the other side of the phone, or as a response to Christian himself. He looked over his shoulder. "_Christian!"_ he hissed.

"What?" he replied, his facial expression a little too cheeky and his voice too pent-up to successfully convey any form of innocence.

He couldn't stop now. He felt Syed clench and unclench beneath him and probed, stretched, explored, loosening him up. With a grunt, he thrust harder into Syed, who bit his lip. His left hand grasped their duvet and the other gripped the telephone so tightly his knuckles paled, as Christian built up a rhythm above him. Stronger, more powerful thrusts.

Syed swallowed, "Yes, okay, that's wonderful! Monday? Yes, that's fine…Thank you. Goodbye."

Soon as the call was over, he flung the phone away and let out a loud groan. "_Christian!"_ he mumbled into the bed sheet.

"What?"

"You…" Syed was breathing too heavily to insult him. It didn't matter; he was too happy. "I got the job!" He gasped. "That was Steve…"

"That's wonderful babe!" Christian grinned. "I'm so happy for you."

"Never again," Syed moaned into their quilts. "Do you have any idea how hard it is not to sound turned on over the phone?"

"Nope," Christian grinned.

The phone rang again.

"You will soon," Syed muttered. "After you!"

Christian rolled off Syed, panting, as Syed thrust the phone at him, pulling a face.

"Hello?" he answered seriously. "Christian Clarke here…yes…?"

Syed ran his hands over Christian's body, no longer drenched with rain but with sweat. Payback time. For a minute he was mesmerized by Christian's beauty, but then he remembered what Christian had done to him. How wonderful he'd made him feel.

He needed to do it back.

Christian made a pleading face with Sye. "Yes…definitely…oh really? When?" he lay for a minute, trying his hardest to focus on the phone call and not Syed, who was biting his lower lip in a way he _knew _Christian found irresistible.

He lifted Christian's legs so that they rest on his shoulder and pushed his excited cock into Christian, thrusting upwards, feeling unbelievable waves of pleasure as they rocked together.

By the sound of it, Christian was finding it really difficult to maintain his normal voice. "Yes..." he paused, breathing out deeply, "When...?"

Syed found the spot he usually massaged, pressing down harder, satisfied as Christian grabbed the pillow he was laying on and shoved the corner into his mouth to prevent himself from yelping.

"Oh my...that's great news. Thanks very much, bye!" he said in a rush, hanging up. "Syed!"

Syed looked at him inquisitively, never pausing, enjoying the intensity, the urgency in Christian's voice.

"Yes?"

"We've…" A tear of happiness ran down Christian's cheek. "It was the adoption agency…we're on the waiting list!"

Syed's face split into a grin. They climaxed at the same time, panting but laughing at the same time.

The orgasm was the longest and most pleasurable they'd shared in a long, long time.

Syed rolled off Christian, lying beside him in the bed. Both were too spent for words, but Christian's hand found Syed's and gripped it tightly.

They stared up at the ceiling, unable to mask the huge grins on their faces.

* * *

><p><strong>Of course my babies had to be put on the list. Would've been harsh otherwise ;)<strong>

**Anyway, I was seriously considering giving up this fanfic (because I take it so seriously and it's so much effort!) But then I saw the comments so I had to continue... **

** So anyway, what do you think? Even if it's two words saying, 'it crap' xD**

** Honestly, the reviews are so encouraging... **

** MirrorSlash xxx **


	6. Chapter 6

**This is chapter 6. **

**I literally have no other little preview other than that... xD**

* * *

><p><strong>Happy Birthday <strong>

"Happy birthday Sye!" Christian grinned, shaking Syed's shoulder that was just visible above their quilt.

"Mm…" Syed groaned and tossed in the bed. "Wha…?"

"Wake up!" Christian grinned. "I made you breakfast."

"Oh…?" Syed sat up at the thought of food. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "That's very…domestic of you."

"Well, it is your birthday after all…"

Syed's eyes widened and he looked at his alarm clock. 7am.

"It's seven already?" he said, panicked. "Why didn't you wake me up? Why didn't the alarm go off…?"

Christian made a face. "Well, _sorree. _I just thought you might want a bit of a lie-in on your special day." Christian laid the breakfast tray down on the bed gently. "And maybe, well, we could have a lie-in together afterwards…"

Syed jumped out of bed. "Christian! You _idiot! _It's my first day working at _Covered _magazine. I'm meant to be there in an hour…" Syed mentally cursed. "I can't be late!"

Christian's face fell and Syed gave him a quick kiss on the head, hating to see him so crestfallen.

"_Covered, _of course!" Christian sighed, mentally slapping himself for being so stupid.

"I'm sorry," Syed cringed.

"It's alright, Sye. I just…"

"Do me a favour will you?" Syed said, snatching his towel off their radiator and heading out the door. "Lay out my suit? It's the grey one. With the black tie…" The rest of his words were lost as he walked into their bathroom.

Seven minutes later he came out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist, hair glossy, shiny and sluiced back.

"Hey…that's not the right suit!" he exclaimed, looking at what Christian had laid out.

"Trust me darling, you'll look a lot better in what I've laid out for you," Christian grinned.

Syed rolled his eyes. "Trust you," he said. His voice sounded joking but his eyes looked severely pissed off.

He quickly removed the towel and started dressing up. "You're just gonna stand there watching me?"

Christian raised his arms in self-defence. "Woah….don't take your stress out on me…" He stepped forward and hugged Syed from behind. For a moment, he felt Syed relax in his hold. But only for a moment.

"Look, I've got to leave now…"

"I don't even get a birthday kiss?...okay! Don't look at me like that. Calm down! It'll be great."

Syed turned curiously. "Aren't you meant to be running with Jane now?"

Christian shifted uncomfortably. "I may or may not have cancelled my appointment for your birthday."

"Oh Christian…" Syed said softly. "I'm sorry…"

"Who else would have their first day of work on their birthday, eh?" Christian said lightly. "Now, go on. Hurry up! I'll be waiting here when you get back."

* * *

><p>Syed's employer, Steve Lewis, was a tall, hefty man. A man who, Syed thought, gave even Christian a run for his money when it came to the muscle he packed. He was built like a heavy-weight boxer, with big arms, biceps, legs, but a small, squashed up face, small eyes too close together, and a nose that didn't even look like it belonged to the disproportionate surroundings.<p>

He seemed a kind, confident man but something about him made Syed feel extremely uncomfortable. He shrugged it off. He was his employer after all.

"How's that article coming along Sye?" Steve boomed, strolling over to Syed's desk.

He cringed. The man sure had a loud voice. And another thing; only Christian called him _'Sye.'_

"Good sir," he spoke quickly. "Almost done."

Steve leant over Syed's shoulder, skim-reading the article. For a reason Syed couldn't explain, he found himself shrinking away from the man. It's not that he had 'personal space' or anything. Or at least, Syed wasn't quite at claustrophobic as many other people he knew. It was just that…

Syed shook his head. There _was_ no rationalising the situation. Because his thoughts weren't rational. He was clearly just nervous about being new to the job, even though everything, from his boss, to his fellow employees, to the working hours themselves was great. He shook his head again, trying to relax, trying to think straight against the waves of nausea he could feel coming on…

Mixed with the _subtle swirls of black pepper and lemongrass…_

_What? _Syed was momentarily confused, before he realised that Steve Lewis was wearing something. Aftershave, maybe? It smelt nice…

Syed now recognised the brand that he himself used from time to time.

Of course it smelt good. It was Lynx.

"Very good, Sye!" Steve said when he'd finished reading. "We'll have them eating out of our hands in no time, eh?"

There it was again. The word 'Sye' grated and strained, like chalk against chalk.

Steve turned to go. Did Syed imagine it, or did he feel soft hands brush against his back? His neck? He felt a rising tide of panic and struggled to hold it back.

_What's he doing?_

_He called me Sye. Only Christian calls me Sye…_

_Stop fussing…_

_Maybe it was just an encouraging pat on the back…_

_Maybe it was nothing, okay?_

He stilled his mental monologue, leant in, and got back to writing his article.

* * *

><p>"Of course," Syed said, balancing the phone between his left ear and his left shoulder. "What's the number?"<p>

He looked at the office clock as the person on the other end asked, "Do you have a pen and paper?"

Just two more hours of work to go. Not bad at all.

"Hang on one moment," he said, hastily rummaging through his drawers for a piece of paper. "Come on, come on!" he muttered, frantically upturning papers with his free hand. No. He couldn't possibly use that piece of paper. It was too important…

Steve Lewis, who had been walking around the editorial office, noticed his dilemma and strode up to him. He made a rolling gesture with his hands, implying that Syed should continue the phone call anyway.

"Yes, okay, go ahead," Syed said doubtfully.

"_Okay, _zero_, two, four…" _

Steve snatched a pen from Syed's desk and indicated that Syed should stretch out his arm. Without hesitation, Syed did so.

"Zero, two, four…" he repeated to his boss, trying to sound as if he was writing down the number himself.

Thirty seconds later, the person had hung up, and Steve dropped the pen back onto Syed's desk.

"We really need to order in some more paper," Steve shrugged. "Also, keep this place tidy, Syed. How do you expect to find anything in this mess? It's a work place, not your home!" he gestured at all the paper that lay strewn across the wooden work surface. "I'd imagine you're quite the messy housekeeper, aren't you, Sye?"

Syed blushed, looking anywhere but at his boss. "Uhm…"

Steve gave Syed an odd look. "I'm just saying…this is your work place. Gonna have to form the habit…"

"Yes boss."

Steve laughed amusedly in a way that let all of Syed's earlier fears and uneasiness dissipate.

His boss was a good guy. Nothing more, nothing less. Christian was right – he really needed to stop stressing.

He watched as his boss turned and walked away, greeting his other employees with the same huge grin. Syed relaxed into his chair, twisted his forearm, trying to read the number so he could write it down somewhere else.

He froze.

This had to be some sort of mistake…

* * *

><p>"Birthday boy!" Christian said, as he swung the door open for Syed later that evening.<p>

Syed smiled in a way, he thought, that was not too small and not too big. Just the perfect amount of cheerfulness so that Christian wouldn't get worried or suspicious. "Close your eyes."

"Erm…okay..."

Christian covered Syed's eyes with his own hands.

"Right, start walking."

Syed laughed and obliged, completely and 100% trusting in Christian's guidance.

"Should I be worried?" he said jokingly.

"Mmm…" Christian laughed excitedly. "Okay, I'm going to remove my hands, alright? No looking yet though."

"Alright, alright, "

Syed felt the pressure release and he heard Christian shuffle around in front of him. "Okay, now I am worried…"

"Open your eyes…"

Syed did. He saw their living room. He saw Christian on one knee in front of him. Just like he'd been the second time he'd proposed. When Syed had made him do it properly.

"Wha…? Christian, I've already said I'll marry you!"

"Yeah, I know. But there's more…" Christian opened his hands. In it, was a small, black, velvety box. "I got the ring this time!"

"Oh Christian…" Syed gasped as Christian opened the box to reveal a small golden ring. "It's beautiful."

Christian slipped it onto Syed's finger.

"And now…" he said, rummaging around in his pocket, bringing out a small object and placing it into Syed's hand.

Syed looked at him curiously and looked down at his hand. It was a key. Small and silver and single. There was nothing remotely special about it.

"What is this?" he asked.

"Well, Sye," Christian said, unable to stop grinning ridiculously. "Remember that house we went and had a look at? The one you fell in love with?"

Syed nodded. True, they'd only had a look at a few houses. The theory being; new marriage, new child, new house. But he'd fallen hopelessly in love with one particular house. He felt drawn to it, like, a moth to a flame.

A very poor moth, to a very expensive flame.

"Well yes. It was beautiful wasn't it? So out of budget though," Syed sighed.

"Not anymore. You're looking at the keys to your – _our _– new house, Sye."

A run of emotions crossed Syed's face. "How..? Wha…? Christia…you can't have…I mean...it's just…" His face split into a huge grin. "How?"

"I've been saving up for a while now….and this just seemed like the perfect birthday present. Do you like it?"

"Christian! I love it!" Syed put his arms around Christian's neck, squeezing him tightly.

"You're suffocating me!" Christian said happily.

"Well, you'll just have to suffer for a bit longer then," Syed murmured into Christian's neck. "Because I'm not done yet."

He held onto Christian, never wanting to let go. He felt safe, warm, happy. Loved. All he'd ever wanted to be. He closed his eyes and breathed in the sweet scent of his husband-to-be, his body stiffening as he recognised the aroma.

_Black pepper and lemongrass. _

He pulled away. "Have you been using my shower gel?"

"Yeah. Mine ran out – you don't mind?" Christian asked, perplexed.

"No, of course not…" Syed ran his hand through his hair worryingly.

"Babe, what's up?"

Syed took in a deep breath. "Nothing," he smiled shakily, trying to convince himself more than anything. "Seriously, I'm so happy," He grinned, doing a better job this time, squeezing Christian's hand to give him the reassurance he knew he so desperately needed.

"Okay, well, in that case, I've made you dinner…" Christian jumped up. "It might be slightly overdone…" he called, as he went to check the oven.

Syed bit his lip nervously.

Should he tell him?

No. What would be the point in upsetting Christian today? Not on his birthday. It would ruin the perfect night. The perfect present…

No. Christian didn't need to know.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading that :) As always, reviews appreciated! <strong>

**Don't worry, the next chapter is about ten lines – a short monologue from Christian. Sorta balances out the length of this chapter! **

**Thank youuu ! **

**MirrorSlash xxx **


	7. Chapter 7

**I do love Christian... **

* * *

><p><strong>Christian's view<strong>

I feel guilty but what else can I do?

If I told Syed he'd kill me.

So he doesn't need to know.

The guilt is eating me alive though. I have this horrible feeling in my stomach. I never lie to Syed.

Because I love him. Because I respect him too much.

Because we've been through everything together and I know he'd never hate me, no matter what I do.

But I also know he'd be disappointed. He'd be worried. Scared.

I can't do that to him. I just can't.

Today...well...it's 2a.m so I suppose it was really yesterday. Well, yesterday was his birthday.

I gave him a present he loved, and he loved me back in ways I only thought I could imagine.

He is amazing.

Which is why I can't do this to him.

I'll manage somehow. I always do.

I hate lying to him.

Well, I'm not lying. Not exactly. I'm just not mentioning what doesn't need to be mentioned.

It _doesn't _need to be said.

It'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

Oh Christian, what have you _done_?

* * *

><p><strong>And that is it. <strong>

**For, quite possibly, a very long while =)**

**Unless I can be asked to continue, that is. **

**MirrorSlash xxx **


	8. Author's Note

Hey guys,

So this is a little pre-chapter just so say,

Heyyy! I've missed you guys and this website so much! :D

Also, just to warn you, the chapters I've updated, well, I wrote them quite a while ago, but never got the chance to update them before now. Iif I'd updated them constantly, they'd be up to date with the current EE story now.

But they aren't.

I apologize.

Lastly,

**Before each chapter I write a bit like this, with a line separating my notes from the actual text and the font being BOLD. **

**I would just like to point out that I wrote these as I wrote the fanfic (months ago) and so some of it may sound a bit weird/strange to you, but as I can't be asked to go back and read through them/delete them, you can just ignore anything you see in this writing.**

**Thank you xD **


	9. Chapter 8

**Hey guys! I am so so so so so sorry about the wait! It's been so long since I said I would update and I feel really bad. I completely forgot I had my Duke of Edinburgh straight after Tuesday (which, for those of you who don't know, involves walking at least 50k and is extremely painful.) To pass the time, I planned this story out in my head...**

**And then I didn't have internet for ages :/ **

**Uhm...I've updated 6 new chapters [hopefully makes up for the wait ;] **

**This chapter doesn't necessarily explain the questions you guys asked at the end of chapter 7, and a lot of things happen, but don't worry, all the questions will be answered and everything will tie together for the last chapter (I actually PLANNED something out for this fanfic! :O) **

**I hope you guys enjoy it! **

**Ps. I re-read the story and even I was outraged at the harsh cliffhanger. Sorry for that as well! These next chapters will explain all! **

**Pps. You may or may not notice that this kind of seems a long way away from EE. (I mean, it's got the basic plot with the adoption, and the same characters, etc.) **

**(I wrote this ages ago and it's been saved on my computer but I haven't been able to upload it yet. I wrote this at the end of July! Sorry if it's a bit rubbish. I'm reading it as the same time as you! I barely remember what I wrote!) **

**And here's my update...**

**Xxxx**

* * *

><p><strong>The Shift<strong>

_**One week later... **_

Syed stood in the middle of the empty room and smiled, hands on hips. The entire living room was empty and painted white, apart from the L-shaped sofa that had recently been moved in and overlooked the huge windows on the far wall. The carpet beneath Syed's feet was pale cream, and a real fireplace was embedded into the wall opposite him. Syed marvelled at his birthday present. He couldn't have asked for anything more...

A laughing voice interrupted his reverie.

"Oi, you gonna help move this stuff in or what?"

Syed turned to look at Christian who was hauling in a huge brown box, crudely labelled with a black marker pen.

"Sorry, sorry!" he said, walking over and helping Christian to set it down. "Why are we doing this ourselves again?" he asked, his eyes smiling as he stretched up.

"Because," Christian shrugged, "It costs money to get a removal man, and besides, you need to work out anyway..."

Syed ignored the jibe, smiling and taking Christian's hands.

"Thank you," he said softly.

"For what?" Christian teased, testing how far he would go.

"For everything," Syed said simply.

Christian nodded, as if he completely understood. "Right, I've got to go now," he grimaced. "Will you be alright moving all this stuff?"

"Yep,"

"Cause if not, you know, you could just take a break and I'll help you when I get back...?"

"I'm not _that _weak!" Syed said indignantly. "I can move a few boxes around!"

"Yeah okay, just...try the boxes that _aren't _marked '**pillows'** this time, yeah?"

Syed glared at Christian, who stepped to his right quickly, avoiding a well aimed punch. "See ya!"

Syed watched Christian as he left, the frustration quickly turning to laughter. He shook his head. Oh, that man, he just...

He just _got _him.

Syed slumped into the sofa. Procrastination had always been his thing. Of course he'd get right onto unpacking the boxes. Just...later. He closed his eyes, wanting the relish the feeling of being a new home, having a new start...

He opened his eyes, and they clouded worriedly.

There was no new start. Not really. Deep down he knew that. His past would always follow him.

A week into moving house and he still felt uneasy. His and Christian's stuff was still in boxes, waiting impatiently to be unpacked.

He'd agreed to marry Christian, and although he'd felt considerably happier, safer...

The nagging thought was still there.

He'd gotten himself a job so he would have to keep himself busy. It prevented him for spending hours home alone worrying.

But he still did.

And now they'd moved home, and were on the waiting list for a child. He'd thought that would solve the problems; put his mind at rest.

But they didn't.

It was as if his past had packed itself along with the **'pillows'** and **'cutlery' **and was just sitting there, waiting to be opened with the others.

And it had to be opened, Syed realised.

There was no ignoring it. Wherever he went, it went. And it would follow him and haunt him for the rest of his life if he didn't do something.

Sighing loudly, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile phone. As he dialled the number, he looked at the open door, double checking that Christian hadn't returned. Christian couldn't find out this. Ever.

He felt so bad; he knew what secrets had done to his parents. It hard torn them apart. Irrevocably.

And it had caused so much pain to those around them.

"Hello?" Calling his younger brother Tamwar by his familiar nickname, Syed said, "Hey, Tam. It's me, Syed."

"I know that!" Syed could almost see Tamwar screwing up his face into his trademark facial expression. "Is everything alright?"

There was a long pause while Syed fought within himself. Christian would say this was a bad idea, but...he didn't understand, _couldn't _understand the emotional turmoil Syed had been going through every day for at least a year now. However bad he felt, surely this would close old wounds, heal some scars...? At the very least it would repair some collateral damage.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine Tam," Syed dismissed quickly.

"And Christian?"

For a moment, Syed smiled. No matter how distant he'd grown from his family, Tamwar was always there for him. Syed may have been the older sibling, but Tam had always supported him, been there for him when his parents should've been but weren't. They were so much more than brothers. They had a bond that tied them together closer than blood. Circumstances may have prevented them from seeing as much of each other as they liked, but Syed knew he could always count on Tam.

Not only that, but his brother wasn't like most people who tried to swallow their disgust at him and Christian. He wasn't like his parents who had hurt him, ignored him, abandoned him, and worst of all, wished him dead at the news he was in love.

He genuinely supported Syed.

He genuinely cared about Christian, accepting him fully into the family.

"Yes, Christian's fine too."

Syed sighed, his thoughts changing track. If this was the right thing to do, why did he feel so guilty?

Because he was going behind Christian's back, that was why. Taking a deep breath, he clamped down any qualm and burst out: "I was just wondering, could you do me a favour?"

"Of course. What is it?"

Syed swivelled and checked behind him.

No Christian.

"Okay, Tam. But don't freak out when I tell you this."

"Okay."

As promised, Tamwar let his older brother finish his talking before saying anything. And even then, he just sat in silence for a while.

"Tam?" Syed spoke into the silence, after Tamwar hadn't spoken for an entire two minutes.

"Have you told mum and dad?" Tamwar asked finally.

"No. Well, I mean, they found out about the adoption – still not sure how – and they know we've moved house of course...no housewarming gifts though," Syed tried to joke, smiling feebly. The smile faded instantly, replaced by an intense look of sadness. He'd been trying for so long to make things right with his parents. _Sick. _That's what she'd called what he and Christian wanted to do. _Sick_. _Twisted. Unnatural._ Sometimes he felt like giving up. Other times he knew he desperately wanted them back in his life.

He continued, "They don't know Christian and I are getting married – PLEASE don't mention it to them Tam, I want to tell them myself..."

"Of course I won't say anything!" Tamwar said, secretly relieved that Syed was going to tell them himself.

"Thanks. I haven't even spoken to mum in a while. She's been a bit..." Syed drifted off, unsure how to describe how Zainab had been acting towards him.

One moment she'd be an emotional wreck, wanting his shoulder to cry on, but all too often, Syed suspected, reaching out to Yusef. Other times she'd be shouting at her eldest son, and at other times, saying how much she missed him.

It was all too confusing really. Christian hadn't said much, but he had implied that perhaps he shouldn't bother, that the 'consistent tugging of heartstrings would only lead to more heart break.

But Syed knew this; he just saw no way to prevent the inevitable. His mother had broken his heart before, and he still blamed himself to an extent. Deep down, he knew that she could break it ten times over and he would never stop loving her.

"Mood swings?" Tam suggested.

"Exactly," Syed said, thankful for his brother's ability to 'say it as it is' but still grossly underestimate the graveness of a topic. "So you'll do it?"

Tamwar hesitated. "Does Christian know?"

Syed shook his head. "No. He'd only worry. He'd tell me not to do it."

"Maybe he'd be right?"

Syed made a face. "Please, Tam? Just do this and I'll owe you big time."

"You already owe me big time!"

"Okay. Like, over-time, then. Please, please, please?"

Tamwar grimaced. "Okay, but I _really _don't want to be dragged into this. Afia and I have caused enough of a scandal as it is..."

Syed couldn't help laughing. "You really stirred up stuff back there, eh?"

Syed shook his head. His brother... getting eloped in secret. His sweet, innocent, shy, socially inept, intellectual brother...the talk of the family!

"Do you _really _want to go down the road of who disappointed our parents more?" Tam joked.

"No." Syed said, knowing he'd win hands-down. Getting kicked out the house for being a gay Muslim wasn't something his family were likely to forget in a hurry.

If ever.

"Thanks for doing this," Syed said. "We'll catch up later, yeah?"

"Yeah," Tam said, before hanging up.

Syed slipped the phone back into his pocket, feeling slightly better for having a talk with Tamwar. He could always trust him. He knew he'd called the right person, but he couldn't help thinking if he'd made the right call.

He was doing this behind Christian's back. Christian would never lie to him, he knew that without a shadow of a doubt, and he didn't want anything to jeopardise their relationship. It had been pretty shaky before, when others had intervened. It didn't need him making things difficult.

Syed gulped. He couldn't lie to Christian. Christian could always tell what he was thinking.

He thought again about what secrets had done to his parents. The deception had pushed them apart, slowly at first, and then so suddenly that each member of the Masood family was left shell-shocked. They had tried to mend things, but everyone knew it would never be the same again. The secrets, the lies...it had all led to one thing.

Distrust.

Syed didn't want to be responsible for starting anything between himself and Christian. He didn't want to hold his fiancé at an arm's length.

But Christian wouldn't understand that he was doing this for _them _so that nothing would be in the way of their relationship.

To Christian, any meddling within family relationships would fail. Any attempt at reconciliation was futile.

Syed flung himself into the sofa and buried his head in a cushion in despair.

_Amira. _

Just five letters. Just a normal name but it brought back so many memories. What he had given her, what he couldn't give her...

He'd lied to her too and look what had happened.

Christian had always said that part of his life was over, that it was a long time ago, but to Syed it felt like it was only yesterday. Images came flooding back. Images that no mental dam could stop. Or maybe he didn't want them to stop. He needed to feel the pain and the vulnerability, because it had been exactly what he'd done to her.

It was exactly what he deserved.

Amira. So pretty, so drop-dead gorgeous. Everybody had envied the two of them. She'd hang on to his arm, happy. She'd look at him, lovingly.

She was perfect.

Suddenly, Christian's candid voice rang through, pent with hurt and frustration. _'Shame you're not attracted to her.' _

He hadn't been. That had been the only problem. Because Amira, in all her good Muslim upbringing, in all her perfection, beauty and faithfulness, had just one flaw:

She wasn't Christian.

Syed had thought that being with who he truly loved – Christian – would solve all problems. When Amira ran away, he thought the problems had fled with her.

If only.

Now he couldn't stop thinking about her.

Now, he knew, the time had come to do something about it.

* * *

><p><strong>I know I wrote this and everything, but it really pisses me off that Sye and Clarkey are keeping secrets from each other ... :**

**Oh, and also (I changed it before I uploaded it) but originally, it said:**

'Because Amira, in all her perfection, in all her beauty and faithfulness, in all her good MUSLIM upbringing had just one flaw...

She wasn't CHRISTIAN.'

**It made me laugh so much. I was like...whoopsie! **

**Haha xD **


	10. Chapter 9

**Yeah, yeah, so Christian's an idiot. **

**He knows it, he does... **

**;) **

* * *

><p><strong>The Puppet Master <strong>

Christian glanced around furtively, his green eyes scanning the shadows. It was darker, he speculated, than he had thought it would be. Granted, 9pm was never really bright, but the alleyway was now shrouded in shadows, the lamps outside flickering, as he huddled further into his hoodie, wishing he'd worn a proper t-shirt underneath as opposed to his skin-tight vest.

When would he arrive? He'd said to meet at 9pm and Christian had been uncharacteristically early – arriving at 8:55pm.

It was cold and damp and most of all, he was scared. He reminded himself why he was meeting with this man. He would do practically anything to stop Syed from finding out what he had done. It would crush Sye. And Christian couldn't do that to him. Not again. Not ever.

"You're here."

Christian jumped. How had he not noticed him appear? He wasn't exactly a small man. Wasn't exactly quiet either.

"Phil," Christian spoke through gritted teeth. How he hated doing business with this man. He scrutinised him carefully, shrugging even deeper into his hoodie, as much for warmth as for comfort.

"Of course I am."

"I'm a busy man Christian," Phil Mitchell's voice was gruff. "You got the money?"

Christian licked his lips, scared beyond recognition. What had he been thinking? Why had he agreed to meet Phil late at night? In an alleyway of all places? He wasn't the sort of man you could mess around and get away unscathed.

"There's an issue with that," he said slowly. "I don't have it yet." He watched as Phil's mouth set in anger and his eyes hardened. They were the same contemplative shade of green as Christian's, but cooler, colder.

And lifeless.

Christian spoke quickly to fill the silence. "Some more time, please?" He couldn't believe it had come down to this. He was begging _Phil Mitchell. _With the desperation in his voice, he might have been begging for his life. He winced and shrank back as the man closed the distance between them, his cold eyes boring into Christian's.

"Alright," he shrugged.

He couldn't believe it.

"A...alright?" he stuttered.

"Sure," Phil nodded slowly, made to turn away, and then doubled back, shoving Christian up against the wall. For a man not only smaller, but considerably older, he was surprisingly strong, and Christian bit his lip in pain as he felt the concrete wall connect with his spine. "But you tell your lover _Syed_," Phil hissed, "...to stay away."

"What do you mean?" Christian's voice wobbled, he scanned Phil's face for any sign of an explanation. "What's Syed got to do with this?"

"You just tell him ol' Phil doesn't want him publicizing anything." His face was so close; Christian could smell the faint trace of alcohol on his breath. "He'll know what I mean."

Christian nodded, still perplexed. He didn't want Sye dragged into all of this. This was the very reason he had agreed to meet Phil here. Alone.

"And I can have more time to pay you back? It will be soon. Syed has got a job now and..."

"Well you just tell Syed not to report any lies and he can keep his job, alright?"

Christian shook his head. "I borrowed money from you. You control me in part, but you don't control Syed and you most certainly don't control his job." His voice came out stronger than he'd thought he had, and though butterflies invaded his stomach, he stood still, eyes as hard as granite.

"Oh really?" Phil laughed humourlessly. "How do you think Steve Lewis managed to move down to Walford and set up his own business instantaneously, huh? Who do you think backed him?"

Christian's face cleared as he finally understood.

"He's in partnership with you?"

"Oh no. Steve Lewis works for me." Phil nodded grimly, allowing the news to sink in. "You know what that means? It means he listens to me. I tell him to fire Syed and your partner's ass is screwed faster and harder than you could ever manage _Christian_." Phil said venomously. "Now, you have four weeks to get me that money, or Syed's out of a job, and let's just say you pretty boys won't be looking so pretty..."

Christian nodded numbly, his mouth slightly open in shock.

Phil nodded, "I'm glad we understand each other. Same time, same place. Four weeks..." he said, as he shoved his hands deep inside his pockets, and strolled away, whistling merrily.

Christian watched him disappear and immediately felt his resolve crumble away. He slumped against the wall, shutting his eyes, fighting the urge to break down completely.

His back ached from where Phil had slammed him against the wall. His head hurt from all the calculations. All the money he needed but didn't have.

Four weeks. He'd really landed himself in it this time.

It had a seemed like the perfect present; a little house for himself and Syed to share. Only nothing could ever be perfect with Phil working behind the scenes, pulling the strings and winding them tighter and tighter around their necks.

Christian banged his head against the wall in frustration. Borrowing £75,000 from Phil Mitchell probably wasn't the smartest thing he'd ever done. But Phil had been willing – who knew why – and he'd had the cash. It had seemed perfect. Syed had been so happy...

But _he'd _been stupid.

Christian stood up straight, sighing loudly. There was nothing for it but to go back home. Syed would get worried, if not suspicious. He had to go back home – to a house that wasn't fully theirs. To a house that was partly paid for by the lowest dirt bag in all of Walford; from money built on the backs of metaphorical slaves and all the poor people that had been deceived by Phil Mitchell.

Christian shoved his head down and his hands in his pocket as he attempted to stroll nonchalantly out of the alleyway.

It made him sick to think that he was now one of them.

* * *

><p>"Hey honey," Christian patted the sofa beside him. "You look tired."<p>

"I am," Syed said, collapsing into the sofa and relaxing as Christian drew him near. "I need dinner, a shower, sleep...and not necessarily in that order."

"Well, babe," Christian cooed. "There's dinner in the oven, I'll run you a bath and then we'll sleep together." He held Syed at an arm's length and scrutinised him carefully. "But there's something else."

Syed felt his breath catch. He was always amazed at how Christian could read his moods; how he knew him even better than himself.

"Yes," he said. "I need your advice."

Christian chuckled. "I can do that." In fact, Christian liked giving advice. He loved being able to solve problems and to soothe the pain away.

Yes, he decided. He'd sort out Syed's problem first before he got round to his own. Before he warned Syed about what Phil had said.

"Well, I got a tip-off today. An anonymous one..." Syed hesitated.

"Right?" Christian said slowly, urging him to continue.

"They told me something – something big. Something that would make a great story, regardless of whether it's true or not, people would believe it."

Christian jumped up, grabbed Syed's hand and moved deftly into the kitchen.

"Keep going," he said apologetically, as he put on his gloves and reached into the oven.

"Well," Syed hesitated again. "I wrote up an article, reporting what I'd been told. I thought it would be fine. It was non-biased and purely factual, but Steve..."

"Your boss?"

"Yes. He reacted so weirdly."

"Mm. Perhaps he thought it needed more backing? You know, you said yourself you received an anonymous tip-off."

Syed chuckled wryly as he watched Christian struggle to bring the stuffed chicken from the oven.

"Maybe," Syed said. "But he was really angry and upset. It was really weird."

Christian shrugged.

"Bosses are weird," he said, as he dished out Syed's dinner. "That's why I'm my own boss," he grinned.

He reached over to an opened packet of peanuts and raisins that lay on the worktop, popping one into his mouth. Syed opened his mouth to be handfed. "Nah, don't want to ruin your appetite," Christian said cheekily, popping another one into his mouth.

Syed watched him reproachfully.

"You're so mean," he moaned.

Christian rolled his eyes and consented, placing one on Syed's tongue and another onto his own.

"So," he said. "Who is this person that has done this terrible thing? Or is it top secret?" he grinned.

The worried look reappeared on Syed's face.

"Phil Mitchell," he grimaced.

Christian choked.

"I'm sorry, what? Syed...you don't want to mess with that man."

"Why?"

Christian gaped his mouth wide open, and then snapped it shut again, unable to say anything. To tell Syed what Phil had said would mean admitting he'd met with the man. It would mean telling Syed that they were in debt.

"Because...it's Phil Mitchell!" he burst out. "Do you know the things he's done? The people he's ruined?"

"But this is my job, Christian." Syed placed a hand on Christian's arm. "Sometimes I have no choice – you're going to have to get used to that. The truth must be told."

"Not if it puts you in harms' way it doesn't." Christian said.

"It's not that simple." Syed sighed and tightened his grip on Christian's hand. "I wish it was, but it's not. I just don't know what to do, Christian."

Christian shook his head.

"It's up to you Sye."

Syed shot him a look. "No really, it is. I don't want you to, I'll be honest. I think it's a dangerous idea."

Christian panicked. If Syed published the article...what was it Phil had promised to do?

_Syed's ass will be screwed faster and harder than you could ever manage..._

Desperation made Christian reach up and push a strand of hair from Syed's face, his hands caressing the smooth skin. "Don't do it. Please."

Syed sighed softly.

"Okay. Just for you Clarkey," he smiled sweetly.

For the rest of the evening, Christian allowed those words towash over him, strong as the evening tide, the pounding waves blotting out any ugly threats from Phil Mitchell.

_Just for you, Clarkey. _


	11. Chapter 10

**So this entire thing's a sort of tangential narrative to the actually EE. (e.g. Christian really borrows money from Phil as opposed to Yusef...just shaking it up a bit!;) **

**[The part about a shower, hot chocolate and Christian...yeah, I'll let you decide which order Syed wanted them. They're all pretty tempting but I think I know what I'd choose... ;]**

**Anyway, this chapter is so called because in it, Syed is literally 'stripped' of everything he had; the confidence he's built, the warmth and shelter he's become so used to...**

**And so much more. **

**This is an absolutely horrible chapter...**

**And I apologise in advance.**

* * *

><p><strong>Stripped <strong>

Syed swivelled in his chair and continued to debate whether or not he had done the right thing. He'd ripped up his ideas for the revealing article, and started writing something less scandalous.

Phil Mitchell was dangerous, yes, but what did backing down make him?

A coward.

But he had promised Christian.

At that moment, Syed looked up to see Steph Baker, his colleague, run from his boss' office, almost in tears.

Immediately, he stood up and crossed the room towards her. They had grown quite close in the few weeks they'd worked together; she was an honest, hardworking woman, whose integrity had given her the role of head editor. She was headstrong; she had to be, being the only female working at Covered magazine, but she was also kind and fair. Syed had never seen her show even the slightest vulnerability, so seeing tears in her eyes was something that moved him beyond belief. The woman seemed as if she were at breaking point.

"Stephy? Are you okay?" he asked.

"No Syed," she said coldly.

He felt his stomach tighten. Stupid question.

"What is it? What did he say?" he asked, assuming his boss had said something to his co-worker.

"You knew about this, didn't you?" she said, her tone acerbic.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Syed said, perplexed. He placed a hand on her shoulder. "Listen..."

She shrugged off his hand as if it was the dirtiest thing she'd ever seen.

"Don't touch me!" She shrieked. She was hysterical now, and just about every employee in the room had turned to look at them.

She glared angrily at him. She was a large woman, and the broad surface of her palm went smacking straight into Syed's face. The slap was so powerful and so loud that it caused several employees to turn and gasp.

Syed's cheek turned red. He put his hand to it, biting his lower lip painfully. His right cheek burned as if somebody had branded him with hot coals. The rest of his face quickly turned red from embarrassment as he noticed all the stares they were gaining.

He looked at Steph in shock, unsure what to say or do. His face was throbbing in pain, his heart thudding with anger.

Syed forced his voice to be heard over the lump in his throat. "Steph, I'm sorry for whatever it is I've done, but..."

"I've been fired!" Steph yelped, sounding as if she'd just been stabbed. "Fired, Syed!"

Syed's eyes widened. Steph was one of the most hardworking people in the office. Suddenly, everything made sense. Of course she was going to be emotional. This had to be one of the worst days of her life.

"_You_," she hissed again, jabbing a finger to his chest. "I understand you're gay Syed. And I've made exceptions but..."

"Steph!" He gasped, unable to mask the hurt in his voice. His eyes locked with hers, pleading. She didn't stop.

"..._this _is too far. You gays just can't keep it in your pants, can you? Think you can do a few favours and get anywhere you want in life?"

Syed swallowed, his eyes darting around him. People were staring, open-mouthed. His stomach crumpled within itself and he felt sick.

"What _are _you talking about?" Syed said. His cheek was still throbbing, still painful, but he ignored it, pushing on. "Steph, I understand you're upset..."

Steph leant in, so that her lips were hovering just beside his ear. When she whispered, it was so low that even Syed struggled to hear what she was saying. It was so venomous that he stood for a moment, allowing the poison of the words to seep through. His breathing slowed, his vision blurred and he rocked gently on his feet.

Steph crossed the room to her desk. The entire office was still now. Silent. Half the eyes were on him. Half the eyes were on Steph as she threw a few things into her bag, hoisted it on her shoulder and walked towards the door. Just before she left, she turned to look at Syed.

"He wants to see you," she said bitterly.

She slammed the door as she left.

It felt like another slap to the face.

He wanted nothing more to slump against the wall, to curl up into a ball and cry. He didn't understand what was going on. Didn't understand why she'd said that, why she'd...

He wanted a long shower. He wanted hot chocolate and marshmallows. Christian...

And not necessarily in that order...

Instead, he pulled himself together. What she'd whispered...it had been a lie. A complete and utter, shameful lie. Drawing in a deep breath, he turned and, with great trepidation, knocked on Steve's door.

He couldn't help thinking about what had happened to the last person to enter the office.

'_He wants to see you...'_

Was he about to get fired too?

"Come in!"

He could feel the stares of everybody in the office searing into his back.

There was nothing else for it now.

* * *

><p>No preliminaries. No pleasantries were used.<p>

"Why did you fire Steph?"

"And salutations to you too!" Steve said amusedly.

"Don't." Syed said. He was usually a patient man, but now his entire patience was used up, to be replaced with confusion, frustration, and a sort of inexplicable anger bubbling away underneath the surface. "Why did you fire Steph?" he repeated.

"Ahh Sye," Steve regarded him sadly. "Come, have a seat."

"Don't call me Sye." Syed muttered. "Only Christian calls me Sye."

"Yes. Christian Clarke. Gay lover boy."

"_Fiancé_," Syed spat.

"Oh really?" Steve suddenly looked tired. "Close the door and sit down."

Syed hesitated. "You want a conversation? Close the door and let's have one properly."

Syed consented, and pushed the door, which shut with a menacing click. Immediately, he regretted the action. He walked slowly and sat down across the table from Steve, on the edge of the chair.

"Syed...what more can I do for you?" Steve Lewis sighed. "What more, Syed?"

"I..." Syed licked his lips. Of all the routes the conversation could've gone down, this was certainly not what he'd been expecting. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't play innocent with me! You've had four weeks to decide. I've put everything on the line for you. Your main competitor, the head editor of this magazine, has just been fired for your benefit. Now nothing will stand in your way."

Syed stared at him in shock. Steph really had been fired for him! Suddenly, her anger was understandable. Her accusations, however, were not. And neither was what his boss had said about 'four weeks.'

"What do you mean? She said..." Syed hesitated again. "She said that she'd rather be fired than sleep her way to the top."

Steve Lewis laughed. "I'm afraid Steph quickly noticed my favour towards you, and somehow she had herself convinced there was something going on. When I told her she was fired, she instantly assumed it was you who would take her place."

"Which is...?"

"Accurate, of course!" Steve said. "Now, four weeks ago, Syed, I gave you a choice. A simple one too. Four weeks ago, I reached out for acknowledgement from the one employee I trust...and what did I get back?"

Silence.

"Exactly," Steve said.

"I don't know what you're..." Syed drifted off, his mouth dry. He knew exactly what his boss was talking about – only he'd hoped Steve had forgotten. He'd certainly tried to wash away the incident that was embedded in his memory as clear as ink-soaked skin.

He could see it now; him relaxing into his chair, twisting his forearm to read the number that his boss had written on his arm...

At first it had seemed fine. There was the eleven digit number the client had given him. But underneath, in a hasty scrawl, was another set of digits. Eleven. A mobile number. And underneath, an arrow pointing towards them, accompanied by a message.

_Call me x _

The next week had been the worst. What did he do? Did he tell Christian? No. Christian would only get angry and possessive.

There had been no mistaking the hint underlying the words.

'Call me.'

Just two words; two suggestive, flirtatious words that had Syed's mind turning catapults throughout the next week. What if he called the number...to say what? Sorry, but I have a boyfriend? Would that jeopardise his current job position? What if he had been reading it wrong? What if Steve just had something to say to him in private?

Then he would've told him face to face, not written it sneakily on his arm.

In the end, Syed had decided to ignore the number, washing it off guiltily at night before clambering into bed with Christian.

He remembered the number though. Each digit was engrained in his memory forever.

"It...It got washed off," he said hastily.

Steve Lewis regarded him with disgust, and something snapped within Syed. How dare Steve make him feel guilty? "I'm with Christian!" he burst out. "We're getting married!"

"_Getting _is the operative word here, Syed. The two of you are not married yet and thus have no marital obligations. Be with me..." Steve leant forward. "Just until the two of you are married. Just for the night. I love you, Syed."

Syed gulped. How could this be happening to him?

"I've got to leave," he said, standing up.

With lightning speed Steve ran up to him, grabbing his wrist, shoving him up against the wall and using his body to pin him there.

"Not so soon," he said sweetly.

Syed wriggled uncomfortably.

"Let go!"

"Shh!" Something mean and cold glittered in Steve's eyes. "You'll be quiet if you know what's good for you."

Without giving Syed a chance to say another word, Steve crushed his lips against Syed's, forcing his tongue into his mouth, down his throat. Syed's eyes stared at him with panic, tried to push him away, tried to turn his head away but it was impossible. Steve was too strong.

Frantically, Syed did the only thing he could do.

"Crap!" Steve pulled away, sticking his tongue out and inspecting the swollen flesh. "You bit me?"

For Syed, the triumph was short-lived. Steve backhanded him so hard that he hit the wooden floor. Instinctively, he brought his arms up to protect himself.

"Little creep," Steve spat. He reached down to his trousers and undid the belt, removing it from the belt holes. "Now, I'm going to undo this zip," he glared harshly at Syed, knelt, and thrust him up against the wall again, pressing in close so that he couldn't escape. "And you're going to swallow what I give you, right?"

Syed's face was red and he looked down, but his voice was strong as he said,

"I'll bite that too."

Steve Lewis narrowed his eyes, and his hands gripped the belt tighter.

"You try any funny stuff and I'll belt you so you'll never be able to walk again, got that?"

Syed didn't look up. His hands clenched by his sides in defiance. He let out a yelp as the belt came crashing through the air, and the metal buckle whacked his face, just under his eye, cutting the flesh above his cheekbone. "I said..." Steve was panting heavily now. "Got it?"

Syed nodded. Steve bore his body down possessively on his, and Syed turned away, repulsed as he felt Steve's erection pushing up against his body.

"Now lie down."

_You don't have to take this Sye... _

Syed lay down on the office floor, trembling. Sweat intermingled with his tears. His fear intertwined with the waves of nausea and he swallowed it down. He wouldn't be sick. He couldn't humiliate himself even further.

_You don't have to take this... _

Syed squeezed his eyes shut as Steve crossed the room, locked the door, and then walked slowly back, discarding his clothes as he did so.

"Take the trousers off, Syed."

Syed lay on the floor, shaking. "Next time I won't say it, Syed. The belt will do all the talking."

Syed trembled and tears leaked from his eyes.

"Please," he begged. "I'm sorry."

A smile curved on Steve's twisted features.

"Oh Syed," he said softly. "Not a sound now, yes? I'll be honest; I won't be gentle. It'll hurt, Sye, of course it will. But if I hear anything from you, you know what I'll do." He grinned maliciously, and his eyes flickered dangerously. "I've been looking forward to this for a long time, _Sye._"

* * *

><p><strong>I felt so horrible writing this! <strong>

**What do you think? X **


	12. Chapter 11

**So, as well as writing/reading, I LOVE acting. Before I wrote this up, I planned it out in my mind, then acted it out (yep, playing both parts!) Uhm...**

**I was quite proud of myself really. **

**As Christian, I completely broke down. **

**Literally started crying...**

**It helped me write this out; you know, put myself in Christian's shoes to understand what he'd really be thinking and saying...**

**I hope you enjoy this – simply because it's well written (I hope) than anything else, because, like the last chapter, it's just so heart wrenching. **

**Poor Clarkey/Syed :/ **

**Sorry for all this depressing stuff, btw xxx**

* * *

><p><strong>Soliloquy <strong>

From the kitchen, Christian heard the front door click gently shut.

He breathed out secretly in relief.

It had been getting dark, and although it was silly, he had been slightly worried about Syed. He'd resisted the urge to ring him however, not wanting to disturb him from his work.

"You took your time!" He called cheerily, rinsing his hands under the tap. He walked out, drying his hands on a dishcloth. "Busy day at the...?"

His sentence was cut abruptly as he saw Syed beside their front door. He was slumped; his legs wobbling and unable to support him. His t-shirt was torn and bloodied, and his face was bruised. Numerous lumps, already turning blue and purple, covered his face, the biggest and ugliest directly under his left eye. His lips were cut and swollen, and with great effort he parted them in a pitiful cry.

"_Christian..." _

He gasped, like an animal wounded. As if summoning the strength to say the one word was painful, and he started coughing, blood trickling down his chin as he did so.

"Sye!" Christian became an effigy of pain; his voice filled with it, so unnatural and strained as he ran over to Syed. "Oh my..." he bit back the tears as he struggled to speak. "What happened?"

Syed didn't reply. His breathing was shallow and Christian looked at him frantically, somehow noticing that the rise and fall of his chest was inconsistent. His eyelids were swollen and the pupils themselves were darker and unfocused, as if a sort of film had covered them. Like a smudgy camera lens.

"I'm going to call an ambulance." Christian thought out loud, kneeling beside Syed, his hands fumbling in his pocket.

"Christian?" Syed breathed. "Please...don't."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Fear rose in his throat and made him spit out the words. "You need help!"

He dialled 999 shakily and brought the phone up to his ear. A woman picked up almost instantly.

"Police, Fire or Ambulance Service required?"

"Ambulance." Christian spoke quickly. His spare hand reached down and grasped Syed's, who looked at him, dark eyes blurred in pain.

"I'm fine," Syed gasped. "I'm..."

"Shhh." Christian soothed. "...Yes? My boyfriend's just walked in. He can't stand. He can't move. He's been beaten. He's covered in blood..." Tears dribbled down Christian's cheeks and his lower lip wobbled. Unable to control himself, a sob escaped his lips. "He can barely _breathe." _

He looked down at Syed, the tears falling freely now, and squeezed his boyfriend's hands gently. Syed's face tightened in pain and Christian panicked, letting go immediately. "Sorry."

Syed was like a china doll. Something delicate to be protected. How could he hurt him?

Just like a doll, Syed's darkened eyes rolled into the back of his head, which lolled, unsupported, into Christian's arms. "Syed?" Christian's voice rose, hysterical. "Stay with me, please...Please Sye. I'll do anything. Don't sleep, don't...His eyes are closing," he spoke into the phone. "What do I do?"

A sickeningly calm voice spoke back. "Try to keep him awake, Mr...?"

"Clarke."

"What's his name?"

"Syed. Syed Masood."

"Keep saying his name, it helps sometimes for a person to be reminded who they are; helps to bring them back to consciousness. Try resting his head – gently now- down onto your lap, or prop him up on pillows. Try to get him as comfortable as possible."

"Thank you," Christian whispered, reverently laying Syed's head onto his lap, choking back the sobs as he took in the many cuts, bruises, and the blood that stained his skin.

"What's your address? The paramedics will be there as soon as possible."

Christian didn't take his eyes of Syed as he regurgitated the four lines.

"Okay, the ambulance has been dispatched and they will be with you shortly."

The woman hung up. The reality hit Christian cruelly. She was gone. It was just him and Syed. His eyes were closed. What did he do?

"Syed?"

He brought his arm up to gently slap Syed's cheeks, and then recoiled against the idea, terrified of hurting him again. "Syed, please? They're on their way now. You're going to be fine. I promise. You'll be fine..." Christian licked his lips and tasted the salt water on them. He went to remove a strand of dark wavy hair from Syed's face, and then decided against it, returning his hand back down to his side.

Touching him was unthinkable when the threat of injuring him further was imminent.

"Hurry up," he muttered under his breath. He rocked backwards and forwards slowly, rocking Syed as gently as a mother rocks her baby. He couldn't hear Syed. He couldn't even feel him breathing any more. He lay motionless in his arms, the warmth of his body radiating outwards, but never once touching Christian. His insides felt like burning ice. Anger rose inside Christian like bile, trying to force its way out. Who could do such a thing to this man? This perfect, perfect man? The man who did everything, for everyone? Who meant everything to him?

The paramedics arrived; two of them in matching green overalls and identically perky personalities.

"What have we got here then?" Paramedic No. 1 peered at Syed and glanced back at his colleague. "Fetch the gurney."

Paramedic No. 2 nodded and backed out the room, while the first spoke to Christian while doing some routine checks.

"Well these look like nasty bruises. Obviously, we'll have no idea of the extent of the bruising until we get him to the hospital. His pulse is faint, but it's there. His blood pressure..." Paramedic No. 1 trailed off, his attractive features creasing in concern. "...is high. Dangerously so. We'll get him rushed there as quickly as possible."

No. 2 returned with the gurney, and together the two men strapped him down. Christian rose slowly, every part of his body aching as he watched Syed lying on his back, never moving. "Would you like to come with us, Mr. Clarke?"

What sort of question was that? Christian said nothing and just nodded numbly. It felt surreal – walking into the back of an ambulance.

Why was he just laying there? His eyes never fluttered. His breathing never changed.

Christian felt something catch at the back of his throat and tears brimmed in his eyes as he watched the paramedics place four circular tabs on Syed's arms and legs. Tubes ran through them and were connected to a monitor. A large translucent mask was placed over Syed's face.

"Please wake up, Sye," he begged. "Please. Don't do this to me. Come on." Christian wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. "Come on, Sye. I can't...I can't..." he pulled himself together; forced himself to breath. "Who could've done this?" he turned to the paramedic who had stayed in the back with him. "Why would somebody do this to him? To _us_?"

The paramedic, whose badge read 'Tim,' looked at him apologetically.

"People do all kinds of sick things, Mr. Clarke. But Syed will be admitted soon, and he'll have a fighting chance."

Christian shook his head helplessly. He didn't want to be told that. He wanted to be told that Syed would be fine. That the swellings would go down; that he'd be ready to return home soon. That he hadn't sprained or broken anything. That he would wake up. Now. Now damn it! Oh Syed...

There was nothing Christian could do to stop the tears and they flowed freely as he placed his big hands over Syed's smaller ones.

He wanted somebody to tell him that everything would be fine. He needed that; if only to combat the thoughts that were swimming around in his head, threatening to dampen any hope and pull him under.

_Look at him. Why do you want the lies? Christian, you're not stupid. You see the oxygen mask... _

Christian looked, unable to resist. There was little condensation showing up on the mask.

_See? He's not breathing. You know why? He's dying Christian. Dying. Say the last words now and pray he can hear you, or you'll regret it forever... _

Christian shook his head.

No. No. No.

Syed couldn't die.

He _couldn't_.

Christian had no logical explanation as to why.

He just knew he couldn't.

Not Syed.

_**At the Hospital... **_

"Christian!" Jane ran up to her baby brother, worried eyes searching his face. "What's happened?"

Christian stared blankly ahead of him, not even noticing her.

"Christian?" she spoke again, placed a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" She winced at her own idiocy. "Stupid question, but still..." her voice softened. "Are you _okay_?"

'_Syed's hurt...'_was all her voice message had said, and she'd rushed to the hospital as quickly as she could.

"I got your message," she continued. "I tried ringing you back..."

"I turned my phone off. Hospital." He added, by means of explanation. His voice was a monotone and his eyes vacant. It scared Jane to see him like this.

"Of course. Christian? What's happened?" She placed her hand on his arm gently.

Christian's face creased in pain as he remembered, so intense was the pain it looked as if he had been stabbed.

"He came in. He was bruised. There was blood everywhere. His clothes were torn. I thought maybe a mugging...but his wallet was still on him. I rang an ambulance...he's unconscious. They've taken him in to check on him...they might need to operate. I've been waiting here. Just sitting here. Thinking..." Christian trailed off. "It's like déjàvu, Jane. When the roof collapsed on him...and you came running. And you told me that he'd be fine and he was." Christian shook his head. "I'm not so sure this time."

"He will be," Jane insisted, grabbing his hand. "Trust me; Syed will be alright."

"You didn't see him, Jane. You didn't see the look in his eyes just before they closed. The way he flinched away from me when all I did was touch his hand. You didn't see his face. He was struggling to breathe...You didn't see any of that Jane." Christian looked up and his clear green eyes bore into hers. "So please..._don't_."

She stared back at him, not knowing what to say, and they sat like that, for a minute or two, in absolute silence, a world apart _from _the world.

"Mr. Clarke?"

Christian stood up quickly and looked into the grave face of an elder man in a white lab coat, glasses and grey thinning hair. His sombre eyes swivelled from Christian, to Jane, and back again.

"Yes?" Christian stood immediately, heart thudding. "What is it Doctor?"

* * *

><p>"Well, Mr. Masood is critical but stable."<p>

"Tell me more, Doctor," Christian said. "Because that means nothing."

"You want the details?" The doctor asked grimly.

"Yes."

"Well, the bruises will go down nicely, as will the bumps to his head. There are bruises across his body, which will cause him much pain but there is no internal bruising. Nothing is broken. However, the bumps to his head may indicate cause for concern. Until he wakes up there is no telling as to whether or not there is any lasting damage."

"What do you mean?"

"Memory loss, Mr. Clarke." The doctor said gently. "But let's think optimistically, shall we? There are abrasions across his hands, especially his knuckles, which indicate that he tried to beat his attacker off. He gave a good fight...but not good enough." The doctor sighed. "And there's more. You may want to sit down for this Mr. Clarke."

"Christian. And no." Christian shook his head and spoke in a pleading voice. "Doctor?"

"Well, Mr. Masood's bruises show that he was forcibly entered."

Christian shook his head. "Wha..? What are you saying...?"

"He was forced to undergo sexual acts without his consent."

Christian shook his head again in disbelief.

"You're saying he was...? No..." Christian breathed. "No!" he shouted hotly. "Beaten up, yes. Hurt and injured and almost killed...but _that_?" Christian shook his head.

Rape.

Even he had never experienced something as awful as that. He'd slept with another man before; a man who had regretted the very action and who had taken out his anger on Christian. He'd beaten him and humiliated him in every way possible.

But rape?

The word disgusted him and scared him too. To think Syed had been subjected to that. Had been brutalised and victimised in that way. Hurt. Humiliated.

And where had Christian been in all of it?

Blissfully unaware.

Some fiancé.

Christian bit his tongue so hard he drew blood.

"The best thing you can do is just to be there for him. As I said, the physical damage should be minimum. The emotional trauma, from the sexual assault however..." The doctor shrugged. "He'll need you. Be strong for him. Our nurse will give you leaflets with places you can contact which help people and the family and friends of victims who have been through this difficult period."

Christian nodded. As stupid as it was, he was glad the doctor had avoided the word.

That unspeakable thing that had happened to Syed.

* * *

><p>He walked slowly to up to the hospital bed and stood in silence. For how long, he didn't know. There was no time in a hospital. No seconds, minutes, hours. One could stand still for eternity and not know it.<p>

Finally, he spoke.

"Sye..." His voice caught, but he continued, "Sye." He shook his head. "I keep feeling like this is all my fault. You came home late and I could've called. I could've checked that you were alright but I didn't. I was stupid. And now you're here and I..." Christian raised his eyes to the ceiling and breathed out slowly. "I need you to wake up Sye. I need you to be with me. I need to feel that you're here. Just a smile, a nod...anything! You've been here for three days now. Well, that's what the doctors say, and I've got to believe them. I don't know what else to believe anymore. I've been praying..." Christian laughed humourlessly. "Yeah. Me! To God. Or Allah. Or whoever you believe is up there. I've been praying that you'll be okay..." Christian bent down next to Syed. He looked so frail in the hospital gown; so delicate surrounded by the white sheets. "I look at you now and it scares me. Look at me, Syed! I'm begging you. You've got to wake up. The house is so empty without you. You've got to wake up; I can't raise a child on my own. You know what else? You have to wake up, 'cause I can't marry myself!"

Christian laughed gently, the laughter immediately turning into sobs. He bent his head, weeping, beside himself with grief. After what felt like another age, he glanced up again.

"Look at me- I'm meant to be strong for you. Remember when you called me Superman? Well I'm nothing without you. Not a hero, not a villain. Not even Christian. Incomplete. Broken. Nothing. I _need_ you. I need you because I can't do anything without you. The doctors say you're critical. Wake up, Sye. Prove them wrong. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I can't be strong without you Syed. Wake up...wake up so we can be us again. So I can take you home..."

Christian's mouth set in a hard line. "When I find out who did this...I am going to kill them. Just wake up and tell me. I'm going to kill them." Christian scared himself at how angry, but also how sincere he sounded. "The bastard is going to regret the day he laid a finger on you; I'll make sure of it. I know what you went through. I went through it myself, remember?"

Christian winced. _Gaybashed. _It was such a horrible word, yet it was accurate. Some self-loathing bastard had slept with Christian, gotten angry with themselves, but then taken it out on him. It had been tough afterwards, but Syed had looked after him. Now he needed to do the same back.

He stood slowly and turned, unable to say any more.

"Christian..."

Christian jumped and turned.

"Syed?" he sniffed.

Syed's eyelids fluttered, but he didn't open his eyes.

"Christian..." he whispered again.

Christian knelt beside him. "Oh Syed..." he wept. "Oh Syed..." He was incapable of saying anything more.

"I heard you," Syed said faintly. "I lo-I love you." He said. Then his body relaxed and his eyelids closed again as he fell into another sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Reviews? They're important to me. Especially as this is the scene that affected me the most... MirrorSlash xxxx <strong>


	13. Chapter 12

**Syed's changed. Way too much... **

**More from Christian's point of view...**

**Thank you everyone for reading this :') **

**Xxx**

* * *

><p><strong>Christian's View (Part II) <strong>

_I'm worrying too much. That's what I try to tell myself. But there's still that nagging thought in the back of my mind... _

_**He's pushing you away... **_

_It's a familiar feeling; too familiar, really, and I ought to have recognised it earlier. _

_I remember what it felt like not to be with him, not to be allowed to touch him, hold him, feel his warm breath on my face, feel our lips melt together... _

_When I wasn't allowed to touch his smooth, flawless skin. When we couldn't lie together for hour upon blissful hour. _

_It killed me. _

_And he's doing it again. _

_The second time was worse. The feeling of, 'we've been down this road before.' When I'd proposed, before embracing me, he'd pushed me further and further away. Once again afraid what his parents would think of him; scared of the consequences... _

_Whenever he's pushed me away in the past, it's always been because of them. _

_But not this time. There's something else and he won't tell me. _

_It's been two weeks since he left the hospital. The doctor was right; not many visible markings left. The bruises are smaller and yellow, and the cuts are healing. He limps, but generally he can make it to wherever he wants – the kitchen, the living room, the corner shop – without having to hold onto my arm._

_Of course, I still insist. _

_But the emotional trauma...whatever this stranger did to him...that's what's haunting us. _

"Sye!" I called, beckoning him over to the sofa.

_He emerges from our bedroom, fresher for his shower, his hair still slightly damp. He limps over, smiling lightly. _

_And another thing. _

_I miss his grin. _

_Not just this pathetic, half-hearted, careful uptilt of the lips he gives me nowadays. No, I miss Syed's smile. The smile that stretched across his face, met his eyes, and warmed me throughout._

_His eyes are distant now. Always distant. _

"Right. I've got a really good line-up of films," I grinned, trying to tempt a little of the 'Syed Smile' out of him.

_Nothing._

_I lifted up the selection of movies. I'd laid out 'Cheaper by the Dozen,' and 'Cheaper by the Dozen 2.' Both Syed and I were avid Steve Martin fans. I had 'Mr. Bean's Holiday,' 'The Nutty Professor,' and even 'The Simpson's Movie' if we felt like having a childish night in. _

_Syed was generally content watching real thought-provoking movies. His favourite film ever was the 'Titanic' – something that seemed more of a choice for me, so made it even funnier when he'd admitted it all those months ago. _

_His next two favourite films were 'The Shawshank Redemption,' and 'The Pursuit of Happiness,' both of which were good, but I personally found too heart wrenching on a movie night in._

_I was trying to pick something light-hearted – comedy! Just to lighten the atmosphere in our house, which had grown so heavy lately it had been suffocating me. I'd even considered bringing out something that would appeal to Syed's taste a little bit more. For example, the infamous 'Inception.' But every time we started to watch that movie I fell asleep, and I had the feeling the Syed didn't really want to be alone tonight. _

"Which one?" I asked him now, juggling the DVDs.

He shrugged.

"You decide."

"No, go on!" I nudged him.

"I really don't mind," he said, sitting beside me on our sofa.

I sighed inwardly, frustrated. Was he going to be like this every day? The silence, the coldness, the general apathy was killing me.

"Okay." I forced myself to be calm. "I pick... The Nutty Professor," I said. If a fat guy can't make you life, nothing can...I thought bitterly.

I stood momentarily to slot the DVD into the player, then relaxed back into the sofa beside him. Automatically, my arm rest against the top of the sofa, like an awkward teenager on a first date at a cinema, allowing him room so that he could snuggle up against me like he always did.

He looked at me hesitantly. "What?" I asked.

Syed shrank back and I instantly regretting the sharp edginess in my voice.

"Nothing," he said, forcing a smile that wasn't even 1/8th of his usual charismatic beam.

"Come here, eh?" I said, trying to put my arm around him.

He didn't even shrink back this time. He _flinched_. His entire body stiffened and he turned away from me, looking at everything, anything, but me.

I'd had enough.

"For Pete's sake!" I yelled, jumping up angrily. "What is wrong with you?"

He looked at me with fear in his eyes, and it was so obvious, so clear, that I suddenly found I couldn't breathe. What was he afraid of? Me? No. That was a stupid thing to think. Too angry, I canon-balled on: "You're pushing me away, Sye."

He shook his head.

"I'm not."

I laughed humourlessly. "I thought we'd worked our way past this? Me reaching out and you pushing me away? If you don't want to be with me, just say so!"

He shook his head. "I just..." he trailed off.

"You just what, Syed?" I sighed, suddenly tired. "You've been like this ever since we left the hospital. I know what you went through...I know it's difficult." I knelt down and looked at him. He bent his head so I cupped his chin, forcing him to look at me.

"I know, okay? Remember? A similar thing happened to me. I was so scared, Sye. But you know what? I had somebody who was there for me, every step of the way. Somebody who looked up to me, even though I'd given up on myself. Somebody to support me, hold me, love me." I looked at him searchingly. "You were that somebody, Sye. You were there for me when nobody else was. You gave me my confidence back." I paused. "Let me be that somebody. I want to be that person for you, Syed. Only I can't help you if you're holding me at an arm's length."

He shook his head out of my grasp and fixed his eyes back onto his lap.

"I can't." he mumbled. It was so quiet that I thought I'd imagined it.

"What?"

"I can't..." He looked up, his eyes shimmering with tears. "Can we just leave it, Christian? Let's just watch the film tonight."

I regarded him sadly.

"Who did this to you?"

"Not this again."

I could feel him closing up again. I reached out, desperate to bring him back to me.

"Who took away my Sye?" I asked. "Tell me who did this!"

"I don't know!" he exploded. We rose to our feet together, glaring at each other.

"Stop lying to me," I yelled in frustration. "Just...stop it! You don't want to tell me? Fine. Just don't lie to me, Syed."

"I'm not lying. I've told you...I was leaving work. It was dark. Somebody grabbed me from behind and..." Syed's voice shook. I rejected every urge I had to go over to him, hold him tight, tell him everything would be okay.

He would just push me away, after all.

"You've got to press charges." I said.

"On who? I've told you – I don't know who it was!"

Tears fell from my eyes, unnoticed.

"But I do."

Syed stared at me for what seemed like an age.

"What?"

"Phil Mitchell."

Syed laughed out loud and shook his head in disbelief.

"It wasn't Phil Mitchell."

I pounced. "But how would you know? You didn't even see who assaulted you!"

"They weren't as big as Phil Mitchell. They were..." Syed shook his head and shivered. "I didn't even publish my article. Why would you even think it was him?"

"Because he gave me four weeks. Four weeks to pay up or he said he'd hurt us. Well, he hurt you Sye, "I shook my head. "All because of me."

Syed's eyes narrowed. "Pay what?"

"Listen. I would've paid him somehow. I would've! He said we had four weeks, but he lied. It had barely been two weeks when he attacked you. He's an evil man, and you've got to press charges."

"Pay what?" Syed repeated testily.

"I borrowed money from him!" I threw my hands up in the air in despair. "I admit it. I was stupid, stupid, stupid."

"Borrowed money for what?" Syed looked at me, his voice shaking. Not with anger anymore. Fear. I'd done this to him.

"This house." I whispered.

The silence engulfed us. Clamping down, gripping us both in a choke-hold. The only noise I could hear was the sound of our clock, ticking timelessly away.

_Tick, tick, tick. _

"You idiot." Syed's voice was empty.

_Tick, tick, tick. _

"I know it was stupid."

"Oh really? Then why did you do it?"

_Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick... _

We stood there for so long, and I could read every thought that was running through his mind. Like me, he was acutely aware of our differences. Differences that so far, had brought us closer together. Differences that were now tearing us apart.

He wanted to stalk out the house, but it was late and he was too scared to go out on his own. He wanted my comfort, I knew he did, but he hated me for that too.

"Leave me alone." He said quietly. The disgust in his voice was unmistakable. He turned and walked upstairs. I heard the bedroom door shut.

I deflated and slumped back into the sofa. Dejectedly, I looked down and saw the DVD cover lying next to me. The grinning face of Eddie Murphy mocked me.

"What you looking at?" I hissed, tossing the DVD on the floor with the others.

It was going to be a long, cold night.

* * *

><p><strong>The first proper lover's tiff... :( <strong>

**MirrorSlash**

**Xxxx**


	14. Chapter 13

**Wheyyy. **

**The sixth chapter I've updated! ;) **

**It's kinda cute. **

**Still depressing though. **

**Goshhh. I'll have to update something happier for the next chapter yeah?**

**Even if it doesn't fit in. **

**We'll just have:**

**Chapter 13 – Chryed being all angsty **

**Chapter 14 – Chryed 'dress in drag and do the hula.' **

**Chapter 15 – Chryed being all angsty**

**Could work? ;) **

* * *

><p><strong>We need to Talk <strong>

Christian was lying in their bed, trying hard to concentrate on a book, when the door swung open. He looked up, and Syed stood there, in his dressing gown, a serious look on his face.

"We need to talk," he said simply.

Christian shut the book slowly.

"Yeah, we do." He admitted. The two men hadn't spoken for twenty-four hours, a near impossible feat considering they were within the same house. Syed had stalked around silently and Christian had hemmed in his explosive emotions and simply sat in bed reading a book. It was now 8pm and his body ached, and his stomach growled indignantly at its lack of food.

"I've made you dinner," Syed said knowingly. "It's downstairs on the kitchen table."

Christian's stomach beat his pride.

"Thank you."

"And you can have it...after we talk." Syed said, sliding under the covers next to Christian. Christian noticed that even though he was sitting beside him, there was still a careful gap between their two bodies. Something that he wasn't used to.

"Well," Christian said eventually.

Syed looked straight ahead and twiddled his thumbs.

"We need to talk," he repeated. "About what you want,"

Christian stared at him.

"All I've ever wanted is you."

Syed shook his head. "No. All you ever wanted _was _me. There's a difference Christian. I've changed. And I don't think we should be together."

Christian stammered, "Is that you what you want?"

"It's what's best!" Syed snapped. "I don't deserve you. It's not right."

Christian held Syed's hand, who quickly pulled them away from him. "Don't!" Syed said, his voice red-hot.

Christian looked at him, hurt. "I love you," he insisted. "I love you no matter what. No matter how many times you turn away, pull away...I love you."

Syed's eyes watered. "Think about it Christian. Do you really want to be with somebody you can't touch, you can't hold, you can't _love_?" His voice wobbled but he continued. "I've tried so hard to be loved, Christian. But my father hates me. My mother turned away. I can no longer see Kamil. I looked after him while my parents drove each other away. I was like his father, and now...I'm nothing. He won't even remember me." He shook his head, the tears spilling onto their duvet. "I thought I had gotten it right with Amira. She was...she should've been perfect. But I ruined that too, like I ruin everything. Then there's you...oh, Christian." Syed regarded him with such sadness it made something within Christian hurt. "It's not fair on you. When I look at you, I feel sick. When you touch me...I want to cry. It's too much of a reminder of..._him_." Syed shuddered. "Do you understand? I don't want you to touch me because it disgusts me. It reminds me of what he did to me."

Finally, Christian understood.

"I...would never hurt you."

"I know. But I don't want to be touched, Christian. Not now, not ever. Not by you or anybody else. It was too humiliating. He laughed at me, he taunted me. His hands..." Syed squeezed his eyes shut. All Christian wanted to do was to end the pain, but he knew the only way that could happen would be if Syed were to open up and trust him again. "...they went everywhere. When you touch me now...I panic. I panic that there's no getting away. I feel low. I feel dirty. And I can't come back from that."

Christian bit his lip and looked away.

"I didn't know that's how you felt."

Syed nodded.

"It's okay. All I'm saying is – you need to reconsider. You need to think carefully about what's best for you. I'm unlovable, and you can't be with somebody you can't love."

"Don't you _dare _say that!" Christian said. "Don't you dare."

"It's true. And I don't want you to spend the rest of your life unhappy, knowing that you can't..." Syed lowered his voice. "You can't touch me. It would kill you,"

Christian shook his head. He yearned for physical contact, yes, but the emotional relationship he had with Syed meant so much more.

"You're wrong. If I can't...If I can't sleep with you anymore, Syed...then I'll live with that. I'm not just with you for _sex_, Sye. I'm here for you, day in, day out. If I can just be with you every day, talk with you every day...I'm happy, and I want you to be too."

"You mean that?"

"I mean that, Syed."

Syed collapsed against him in relief, sobbing loudly now.

"Don't leave me Christian." he gasped between the great sobs that racked his body. "Don't ever leave me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I don't know what I'd do if you..."

"Shh," Christian said soothingly, wanting to hug him but too afraid to. "I'm here for you."

* * *

><p><em>I'm unlovable...<em>

Christian stood and watched Syed as he stood in the kitchen, popping grapes into his mouth carelessly.

_I'm unlovable... _

How could he say such a thing? How? Last night they'd lain together, in bittersweet silence. And although everything wasn't perfect between them, it was definitely on its way to a mend.

The man needed a psychiatrist.

Of course, if Christian had to live without touching Syed, then he'd do it. Of course he would. But it was painful. It had only been two weeks and it hurt to see him and not be able to reach out. Syed was scared, but Christian couldn't fix it. A psychiatrist maybe?

But he knew how Syed felt about psychiatrists.

His meetings with Allen had proved fruitless, unsurprisingly. But Syed hated any person that tried to convince him of the opposite to what he thought. He didn't like accepting help anyway, preferring to be the one that did the helping.

_I'm unlovable... _

Those two words made Christian angry. How couldn't Syed see what they'd done to him? He walked slowly over to Syed.

"Morning, beautiful."

Syed blushed. "Morning, you."

_I'm unlovable... _The words reverberated in his head. Eager to prove him otherwise, Christian leant forward.

"I love you. I love you Syed, you know that." He bent his head forward and brought their lips together tenderly.

For a second, Syed was unresponsive. Then he kissed him back; Syed's bruised purple against Christian's velveted pink.

The weeks of no contact, the hours of simply standing back and watching, the arguing...it all led to this. Christian's mouth parted in sweet agony, and instantly, Syed's did the same.

He'd missed this. They both had. Christian's tongue slid over Syed's, caressing it gently. He'd missed how Syed felt, smelt, tasted.

Christian erection throbbed through his jeans and rubbed against Syed's leg.

Syed panicked and the memories came flooding. Suddenly, it felt as if Christian was harming him; his tongue forcing itself down his throat, his body pinning him down...

Syed pulled away, gasping for breath.

"Sye...?" Christian went to comfort him.

"No!" Syed said. "Just...leave me alone. Please."

Christian's eyes widened in horror as he realised what Syed had been thinking.

"I'm not him, Syed." He spoke softly.

Syed couldn't even look at him.

"Please." He said again.

Christian's lips thinned in anger. Turning on his heel, he left the kitchen, walked through the corridor and quickly out of the house.

* * *

><p>"<em>Christiaaan!" <em>Roxy ran up to him, tottering on her heels. She'd bleached her hair an even lighter shade of blonde, Christian noticed, and was wearing a low cut top with a snugly fitting leather jacket over the top. Her curves were prominent in her hip hugging leggings, and she was made-up as always. Like a doll, Christian reflected. A pretty, drunken doll.

But he didn't need this. Not now.

"Not now, Roxy." He said.

Roxy made a face.

"Don't be so boring! What's up, hmm? You know what?" She slapped him lightly on his arm. "Don't worry about it. You and me will go out, have a drink or ten, get hammered...have a great time, eh? Come on – the night's on me!" she winked.

Silence. "Wow. Something's really happened if you're not up for a free drink." She slid in the bar beside him. "What's happened?"

Christian signalled for two beers, and when they arrived, downed the first one quickly.

"I moved too soon, too fast." He admitted.

"What?" Roxy asked, taking a sip of her beer. "But your new house is gorgeous, Christian!"

"No," Christian sighed. "With Syed."

Roxy made a face. "What do you mean? How is Syed doing, anyway?" Of course, Roxy knew about 'the incident.' The entire square knew. She lowered her voice, "Have you guys been going to that Supporter's Group?"

"That's just it, Rox. I thought we wouldn't need it – thought he only needed some rest. But he won't let me near him."

"You've got to give him time to get over it. It's a horrible thing to happen – to anybody! But he's got you. He'll make it through okay?" Roxy looked at him sympathetically. "And you know I'm always here for you."

"Yeah, course Rox." Christian nodded. "Thanks."

"No problem. Now...you still up for going partying?"

"I'm not sure I want to leave Sye alone..."

"You've got to give him some time...some space," Roxy said. "Smothering him isn't going to help any."

Christian contemplated. He thought of how the night could turn out; just a couple of drinks and a couple of friends having fun. Just a few cheeky flirtatious glances that meant nothing, the music, the taste of the alcohol as it seductively slid down his throat, the atmosphere...

"Okay, okay," Christian stood. "One drink."

Roxy linked arms with him.

"Or two."

"Or three," he laughed, as they strolled out of the pub into the darkened night.

* * *

><p><strong>So Christian's depressed because Syed doesn't really want him near him because he's too scarred by what happened. And he's gone out for a few drinks with Roxy. <strong>

**Yeah. I see no problems with that... *looks shifty* **

**(If I didn't make it clear, Syed's having time off work having just been beaten up and sexually assaulted, and Christian's taking 'Compassionate Leave.')**

**So...**

**What do you think?**

**You know what? This story turned out so much longer than I thought it would be. **

**But. **

**I'm so glad it's been so well received, considering it's my first ever fanfiction. **

**What do you think of it? **

**Nikki xxx**


	15. Chapter 14

**Heyy guys Hope you've all been doing well! xD **

**This is continued almost straight after the last chapter. **

* * *

><p><strong>Decisions <strong>

"I'm _hoooome_!" Christian giggled, slamming the front door shut behind him. "Syed?"

Silence.

"Sye?" Christian laughed again, staggering forward, his head spinning. "Sye!"

"Christian?"

He turned and saw Syed, crouching behind their front door, his hands covering his face and peeking at Christian through his fingers. The sight reminded Christian of playing Hide and Seek when he had been a small child, and was so absurd, that he started laughing. And once he started, he couldn't stop. Tears streamed down his face and he walked over to Syed, tripping up in the process.

"Whoops!"

"You're drunk." Syed's tone wasn't even accusatory. It wasn't neutral either.

Disappointment, like a waterfall, gushed from his face, his body language, the very tone in which he was speaking with. It hit Christian like a wave, drowning him in regret. He stood up straight, apologetic and suddenly sober.

"Sye..."

"Don't." Syed remained crouching. "Not tonight."

Christian stood there for a long time, and then finally, "What were you doing? Hiding behind the door?"

"I heard footsteps. Laughter. I thought that maybe..."

Christian's eyes widened. He'd thought that maybe whoever had attacked him the other night, had come back to finish the job. So he'd hidden. Like a small child. Because Christian hadn't been there to look after him.

"I'm sorry," he sighed, walking over, grabbing Syed's hands and pulling him up. "I'm sorry for being such an idiot."

A slight smile brushed Syed's unshaven features. "You _are_ an idiot."

He'd smiled! Something within Christian warmed. Perhaps there was hope after all?

"It's late," he said carefully, trying hard not to slur the words, not even trusting his own voice.

"I don't want to sleep," Syed shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant but his voice wobbling slightly. Christian could tell that he was still scared.

"How about we go out?"

"You've had enough '_going out' _surely?"

"No. Just you and I. Have some dinner. Relax. Together."

Syed hesitated.

"You know what?" Christian pushed. "Forget about everything's that's happened."

"How can I when...?" Syed trailed off. _When everything is ruined. When I look at you and I feel scared. When he is still haunting me... _

"I don't know," Christian reached out and held Syed's hand. "But try. For us. Let's just go out and forget. Start all over again."

Syed stared into Christian's eyes, trying to read them, wondering if he was doing the same.

A long amount of time passed before Syed parted his lips:

"I'm Syed."

Relief washed over Christian's face.

"Christian," he murmured.

"Muslim."

Christian let out a breathy chuckle.

"Come on."

* * *

><p>It had been fun, Syed had to admit it. They'd gone out to a fancy restaurant, and Christian had urged him to order whatever he wanted because <em>he <em>was paying.

He'd been able to relax for the first time in weeks. The setting was perfect; dim lighting, crystal glasses brimful with champagne (and orange juice,) and the most beautiful man in the world.

He reached out and took a small sip of his drink. His eyes met Christian's over the rim of the glass and he smiled lightly back.

This felt right. It felt...good.

Damn. He'd almost forgotten what that felt like.

"So, Christian," he teased. They'd been playing the 'getting to know you' game all night. "Tell me a bit about yourself."

"Well, what's there to say?" Christian grinned, relaxing into his chair. "Just a normal bloke who moved to Walford a few years ago. Parents? Practically non-existent. I have one sister, Jane," Christian paused, "I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for her. My niece; Lucy. Bit of a terror, but then again, aren't they all?"

The waiter came over and interrupted their conversation mid-flow, to re-fill Christian's glass with wine.

He was an attractive man; tall, blonde hair, light eyes. Christian looked at him appreciatively, noticing the muscles through the silk shirt and waist coat.

As soon as the man was out of ear-shot, Syed hissed: "Don't you _dare!_"

Christian tried to suppress a laugh. "What? Him? When I've got you? Don't be stupid. You know I like the tall, dark and handsome." Suddenly, he stopped smiling. "I'm just a normal guy, Syed Masood..." He picked up the glass and took a small sip, "...who fell in love with a gorgeous, gorgeous man."

For a moment Syed couldn't drag his eyes away; couldn't speak above the lump in his throat. "Tell me about _you_, Syed," Christian said playfully, setting the drink down and winking at him.

Syed squirmed in his seat. The attention made him want to die from embarrassment – but he loved it at the same time. He felt like a teenager on a first date, with the boy staring at him, drinking in his every word, noticing his every action.

"Well I...I can't sum myself up in a word, or a sentence. Or even hundreds of them. My life just seems to change all the time. It's never the same."

"Exciting," Christian grinned.

"Sometimes," Syed shrugged. "Other times it's just..." Exasperation lit up in his eyes. "This isn't right Christian!"

"Calm down babe," Christian said, reaching out for Syed's hand and massaging it gently.

"I don't want to pretend. I just want things to go back to how they were."

"I know, I know," Christian murmured. His thumb circled the smooth skin on the back of Syed's hand. "Me too."

"What do you think about, perhaps...?" Syed took in a deep breath. "I'm going to visit a counsellor."

Christian smiled slightly, not wanting to put him off. He'd been wondering for a long time now how to break the idea to Syed. Truth was, the man needed help, and fast.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Syed nodded. "I want to be with you," he said, and when Christian opened his mouth to object, he carried on quickly, "No. Really be _with _you; not just you being here _for _me. I wanna do more than this..." He waved his free hand at Christian's hand, which was placed on his. "...and not feel wrong about it. Which is why," he took in a deep breath, "I called a counsellor today. She said she can see me tomorrow. Her name's Francesca Lumen. She sounded nice on the phone."

"Wow," Christian raised his eyebrows. "You really want to do this, huh? Do you want me to come with you? You know, moral support."

Syed shook his head. "I've got to do this myself, but thank you,"

Christian smiled waveringly. "What time's your appointment?"

"Just after lunch, but she lives a while away so I'm going to leave in the morning – you can go running with your clients. Get busy again – I'm sorry I've kept you away from work for so long."

"Don't be silly! And are you sure?"

"Of course. Besides, we need the money," Syed's eyes watered with worry. "What are we going to do about Phil?"

Phil. The thought of the man terrified Christian more than was even understandable. He'd been an idiot. And there was no way they had enough time to raise the money...

"I'll sort it out." He forced a smile.

"Christian..."

"Shh," he soothed. "I will. I promise. Another thing; the wedding. We should postpone it? Just for a short while?"

"Don't you want to marry me anymore?" Syed tried and failed to hide the disappointment in his voice.

"You're really being stupid today, you know that Sye?" Christian chuckled. "No. Just till you're back to your regular self. I don't want to force you into anything."

"You won't be. Besides, won't that also postpone our adoption?"

"I know but..."

"I know how much you want to be a father."

"I am a father," Christian swallowed. "I just don't have a child."

"We're getting married, and we're having a child, okay Clarkey?" Syed smiled. "I'm going to get back to normal and it's going to be...it's going to be fine. You'll see."

* * *

><p><strong>A non-depressing chapter! <strong>

**Be proud of me! :D **

**Haha...**

**Yeah, brace yourselves for the next one... :P **

**Xx**


	16. Chapter 15

**Hey guys. This one...**

**Is a very interesting chapter ;P **

**Oh, and it's starts with Syed's point of v. **

* * *

><p><strong>Attack <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>I'm nervous. <strong>

**Okay, forget that. **

**Positively terrified. **

**I just feel like the whole world's on my shoulders – horribly cliché, I know. **

**And I'm never cliché. **

**I'm a gay Muslim who gave everything up for a live hard, die hard man who adores me and worships the ground I walk on. **

**I still don't know why. **

**I'm an oxymoron. **

**I make no sense to myself. **

**But I CAN'T let Christian down. He's one of the few people that mean the world to me. **

**And he's really the only one who's been there for me through it all. **

**I'm not going to this meeting for me, I'm going for us. **

**I need to sort everything out in my head. **

**I want to be with Christian. I want him to hold me. **

**But something's holding me back. **

**I'm scared of being hurt and I hate it. **

**This is it. **

**23 Marlborough Street. **

**It's a huge block of offices. **

**I wonder which one's hers. **

**I wonder what she's like. **

**I wonder if this will work...**

**I hope so. **

* * *

><p>"You may go in now."<p>

Syed smiled his thanks at the receptionist and walked across the waiting room, his hands smoothing down his jeans, blowing a strand of hair from his face. Truth was, he'd rather be at home with Christian holding his hand, and with _Christian's_ warm breath on his face.

But if he wanted that to happen ever again he was going to have to go through with this first.

"Come in."

He felt so nervous; beads of perspiration almost broke out on his forehead.

_You can do this Syed. You're a big boy now..._

He entered the room.

It wasn't anything how he'd imagined it.

His sessions with Allen had been...almost robotic. Allen hadn't been concerned with the human side of Syed...what he _really _wanted. They'd sat in a small, confined space and Allen had told him that his feelings were wrong, that_ he_ was wrong, while all the while simply sitting half a metre away from him.

This office barely even looked like an office. It was a large space, with a dark purple carpet and matching curtains on the far side on the room. The walls were covered in bright, abstract painting in a clear attempt to disguise the peeling wallpaper. A desk sat directly in front of the windows, but nobody sat there. Instead, in the far right hand corner, on suave navy blue chair, sat an old woman with crinkly grey hair in a matching crinkly, grey dress.

"Syed Masood."

The overhead lights were dimmed and Syed had to glare into the gloom to spot her.

"Mrs. Lumen?"

"The one and only," the small lips parted to show two roles of perfect teeth. "Come and have a seat."

Syed strode forward, but his mind was screaming at him to leave.

Calm blue eyes surveyed his every step, then, once he'd reached her, nodded at a chair that sat opposite her. Syed sat down, crossed one leg over the other, quite awkwardly, and gave his best attempt at a smile.

"So, Syed. What can I do for you today?"

"Well, I..." Syed swallowed. Maybe it was the dim lighting, or the crazy colours, or the completely controlled scrutiny, but he was beginning to feel very hot. He fanned his face with a hand and shakily removed a strand of hair. He smiled again, "Well I sent you an e-mail."

"I know," Francesca Lumen smiled. "But I want to hear it from you."

_I want to hear it from you..._

_I want you to tell me... _

The exact same things Allen had told him. They were all the same.

"You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea..." Syed rose from his seat.

"Sit down," she regarded him sternly.

Caught by the sudden jagged-glass edge to her voice, Syed sank into the chair again.

"I just don't want to go through all this again. I don't want to be disappointed."

"You've been to a councillor before."

"Yes. I wanted to be...to be different to what I was."

"Well, I don't do that. But I can definitely help you be a better person, live your life to the full. Be happy with who you are."

"That's what I want."

"Good," she smiled again. Suddenly, she stood and walked over to her desk, then picked up a piece of paper from it. "Now," she said, scanning through it. "This..._Christian_, you mentioned. He's your boyfriend?"

Her tone hadn't differed but her eyebrows knotted together. As if...

Christian would have left by now. But he was Syed. And whether or not his 'therapist' was a homophobe didn't matter. Not now. He was too desperate; he needed the help.

"Yes."

"Describe him in one word for me?"

"One? Wow," Syed laughed gently. "There's so many of them, but no single one describes him completely. He's like...my day." Syed laughed again. "But he's also my night. I could say my 'dream.' But I'm so glad he's reality too. He's..." Syed looked down and, unable to help himself grinning. "Lover...but he's so much more than that too. He's..." Syed looked up, brown eyes glittering, triumphant. "Superman."

Mrs. Lumens smiled at him. "You love this man?"

"Yes."

"And you want to be with him?"

"Yes," he repeated.

"Then what's the problem?"

Syed sighed. How could he put this into words and not be judged? How could he explain to a woman he'd met only moments before, that when the guy he loved touched him, he felt sick to his stomach? Surely he sounded insane.

"I...I've changed. And I want to be with him, but I don't feel that I can."

"You have feelings for someone else?"

"No. It's just...I'm scared. I was...attacked," Syed gulped, looking away. "And I..." he stopped abruptly. "I'm sorry, I just can't..."

"That's fine, Syed. You don't have to speak about this in your first session. But, can I just ask, Mr. Masood..." She leant in and whispered. "When you say attacked...?"

Syed pained eyes met hers and she understood immediately. "I'm sorry," she said softly.

He had no idea what to say.

"Thank you,"

"I've got a little exercise that I think will be much more beneficial for you, Syed," she said. She dug around in her long, knitted cardigan, and pulled out a small, multi-coloured object. Stretching out her arm, she placed it in his hands.

He stared at her for no more than a couple of seconds, then looked down at his palm.

"A rubix cube?"

It was a child's toy. A 3D cube with three rows of smaller squares on each side. Each of these smaller squares had a different colour. He turned it over in his hands.

_Red, yellow, blue, green, purple, orange. _

"Do you know how to do a rubix cube?" Mrs. Lumen asked.

"Can't say I've ever really tried. My parents were more concerned with working hard and getting into university, rather than child's games."

"Colours are important," the old woman insisted. "Colours say a lot about us. My office, for example," she gestured around her and stated the obvious – "Is very colourful."

"But..."

"Try it. The object of the 'game' is to get it so that each side is of the same colour. For example, one side should be completely green, and another completely purple, and so on."

"Doesn't sound too difficult."

"You can also only move these squares around in a certain way. It can take people many months to learn it. I want you to go away – take it with you – and when you come back next week, show me if you've managed to do it."

"Challenge accepted," Syed grinned. "But what has this got to do with me and Christian...?"

"Do I look like I was born yesterday? Focus your time, energy and effort into it, Syed. Trust me; it'll help you. Next week, we will talk more about you and your boyfriend."

Syed shook her hand firmly, and made his way out of the door.

It would work, he told himself. It had to.

But it was hard to ignore the cold glint in her eyes as she'd said the word 'boyfriend' and the feeling that perhaps, once again, things weren't all they appeared to be.

* * *

><p>"This is absolutely ridiculous..." Syed's eyebrows knotted and his glared at the multi-coloured cube in his hands. "How are you meant to do these things?"<p>

Christian walked up behind him. "Sye..."

"I've got to see her tomorrow..." Syed said, not raising his eyes from the object.

"Sye?" Christian tried again.

"I mean, it's not that it's difficult...I mean, it didn't look it. But it's much more complex than you think..."

"Syed," Christian said, placing an arm on his shoulder. "Give it a rest, eh? You've been at that all week."

Syed jumped, startled, at the feel of Christian's hand and Christian pulled it away, immediately embarrassed. He made a fist with his hand, then opened it up, tugged his shirt down, then smoothed his hair, doing anything to feel less awkward.

"Sorry," Syed mumbled.

"Look. It's not a problem. You're trying. I just need to talk to you."

But Syed was already back to the rubix cube. "She says colours can say a lot about your personality. Is the fact that I can't figure this out part of my personality? Is there something wrong with...?"

"Syed! You're not..."

"I mean, I got one side done then..."

"I SLEPT WITH ROXY!" Christian burst out.

Syed froze, mid-twist. The only sound that could be heard was Christian's heavy panting, and the rustle of clothes as Syed turned on the sofa to face Christian.

"You did _what?_ Christian!" Syed laughed. "Is this some kind of joke to get your attention? There, you've got it now. What do you want?"

"I slept with Roxy," he repeated softly, looking at Syed and trying to gage his reaction.

Immediately, he turned away. The confusion and hurt in Syed's eyes made something deep within his chest ache. And he couldn't explain it.

"How?" Syed's voice was empty. "She's..."

"A woman. Yes, I get it Syed!" Christian snapped. Then his entire body deflated. "I didn't mean to. Don't hate me Sye. I couldn't live with that."

Another long silence elapsed.

"Excuse me," Syed said softly, standing up and grabbing his jacket.

"Where you going?"

"Out," Syed said simply, shrugging the jacket on and flicking his curls out from beneath the collar. "You know might go sleep with a woman..." he glared at Christian pointedly. "Even though I'm _gay_?"

Christian sighed.

"Look, I'm sorry. It was an accident. I never meant to hurt you."

"No. You know what? Don't give me that again. All you ever do is think about yourself! You borrowed money...don't pretend that was for me. That was because you wanted to flaunt your new fiancé around the square, let everyone admire your fancy house...and now you tell me you've slept with Roxy? Of all people. And that you never meant to hurt me? Tell me the truth; you don't care for me one bit do you?"

"How could you say that? I would give up the world for you."

"Yeah the world...excluding Roxy." Syed frowned. "How did it happen?"

"What?"

"I mean _how_? You've always been so sure, so open about what you are. I admired you for that."

"Syed...I was feeling down. It was the night that I stormed out and left you home alone. I felt like nothing was working between us; like I couldn't make you happy. And Roxy was there. And we were both really _really _drunk...and it'll NEVER happen again, I swear."

Syed shook his head. "How could you do this to me?"

"Sye..." Christian reached out to touch his arm and Syed stepped back angrily.

"Don't touch me!" he yelled. "A woman. Roxy? _Roxy?"_

"I don't like her...not in that way. I was just...so down, Sye. I felt like I was losing the most important person in my life. You'd just told me that when I touched you, you felt sick! That holding you made you panic. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I got absolutely hammered. Dangerously. And I'm sorry..."

Syed glared at him. "Do you know how this makes me feel? I...I love you Christian. And you know what you don't do when you love someone? You don't go and sleep with someone else!"

"Surely you can see that it means nothing? I mean, it wasn't even another man for goodness sake. It was a woman that I couldn't possible have feelings for. Firstly, because she's a _woman_, Sye. And secondly, because..."

"She's your best friend?" Syed interrupted bitterly.

"No," Christian murmured. "Because I have you."

Syed stared at Christian, chewing his lower lip. It started bleeding but he didn't stop worrying at the split skin, or break eye contact.

"Please. Please forgive me. Never again, Sye. It was the worst night of my life." Christian was on his knees now, tears streaming down his face. "And you know the stupid thing? I don't even really remember anything...neither does she. At least, I don't think so. I haven't spoken to her since. Ugh, it's going to be so awkward..."

"Well excuse me for not being sympathetic."

"Forgive me, please."

"No." The reply was instantaneous. Syed realised his hands were curled into fists, and he opened them up and gazed at the small cube in his left palm. Gripping it so tightly had caused red ridges and whorls to embed themselves in the centre of his palm.

He'd been so stupid – going to a councillor, trying to build himself up mentally so he could have a proper relationship with Christian. It was clear he didn't want him anyway.

How could he have been so stupid?

Syed let out a frustrated yell, and threw the motley-coloured object against the wall with such force that is smashed into several pieces and lay on the floor.

Christian stared at him in shock. He parted his mouth but for once he was speechless.

"It's over." Syed shrugged.

"It's late. We can discuss this in the morning," Christian suggested.

"No. I had that meeting with Lumen but I'll cancel it. I've got better things to spend tomorrow doing."

"We need to talk. What other things could you possibly be doing?" Christian yelled, exasperated.

"Moving out," Syed said.

The two words hit Christian like a bombshell.

"You don't mean that." The words caught in his throat.

"My mum told me never to be with anyone you can't trust." Syed shrugged helplessly. "I can't trust you Christian."

"Oh, and accepting advice from the woman who just got divorced is a good idea, is it?" Christian shot back.

"You..." Syed lashed out in blind fury, striking Christian again and again on the chest. "How _dare_ you? How dare you?"

"Syed! Stop it!"

"I hate you!" Syed screamed, hysterical now, shoving Christian so hard that he fell back onto the sofa. Syed was on top of him, striking out with his fists, turning his hurt into anger.

"Syed!" Christian yelled, grabbing hold of his wrists and forcing him onto the sofa. "Stop it." He used his body to hold Syed down.

"_Let...me...go_," Syed panted, squirming beneath him, eyes wide in panic.

"Calm down!"

"Let go!"

It was only when Syed stopped struggling and instead, began to wheeze, that Christian rolled off him.

"Sye? Sye? What is it?"

Syed's hand reached out and grabbed Christian's, holding on tightly. "I can't...breathe..."

Christian's hand flew to his pocket for his phone.

"No. Don't..." Syed gasped. "I'll...be...fine. Water."

Christian ran to the kitchen and filled a tall glass with water, before running back and holding it to Syed's lips.

"Here."

Syed sipped. Then he spluttered and coughed as if he was choking. Presently, the gasps became pants, the breathing slowed, and he started sobbing.

"I'm fine," he snivelled.

"What just happened there?"

Syed said nothing, and Christian continued, "I think you just had a panic attack. I should call a doctor; get you checked out properly."

"I'll be okay."

"But I won't be!" Christian snapped. "Not till I'm definite that you are."

Syed shut his eyes, his world darkening instantly.

"I need rest."

"Syed..." Christian warned.

But Syed, who was too tired to argue, had already fallen into a deep sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>SYED<strong>

_I woke up to find Christian sitting on a chair beside the bed, staring at me, head leant on his arm and just..._

_Staring. _

_Like he didn't want to look away for a second. _

_Like he might lose me. _

_He smiled when he saw that I'd woken, but I hadn't missed the expression in his eyes. _

_He did care. _

_Of course he did..._

_The events of the previous night came flooding back. _

_Then how could he do such a thing to me?_

"How you feeling?" he asked gently.

"Better," I nodded, managing to prop myself up against some pillows. "Better," I repeated, as if trying to assure myself.

"Good. Doctor said you'd be fine."

_I didn't reply. I couldn't. I just couldn't help feeling so...betrayed. It felt as if Christian had grabbed a dagger and just stabbed me in the back with it. And then, for good measure, twisted the knife around a few good times. _

_I knew that he'd never want to hurt me. But that's what it felt like. _

"About last night."

Christian sighed and looked down.

"Do we have to discuss it now?"

"Of course. Listen, I...I forgive you."

Christian's looked up at me in shock; his eyes lit up in what I could only describe as pure joy. "Oh Syed..."

"But-" I said sternly.

"Anything! Anything!" Christian gabbled.

"I understand it didn't mean anything, and that you would never have done anything like that had you been sober. I don't want you...to be hanging around with her ever again."

"Roxy?" Christian gasped.

"Yes. She's a bad influence on you..."

"I can't just walk out of Roxy's life. You of all people know that. She needs me!"

"And what about what I need? I know you're sorry now, but what about the next time you and Roxy are drunk together? What then?"

"Nothing!" Christian pleaded. "Nothing like that will ever happen again."

"But how do you know? You'd be drunk; too far gone to reason. I want to be with you," Syed said. "But not with her."

* * *

><p><strong>Ooh, an ultimatum! ;) <strong>

**Yeah, well, obviously it meant absolutely nothing, because Christian was SO drunk and...**

**However, I do understand Syed's point of view. I would feel so betrayed.**

**But could Christian actually not speak to Roxy ever again?**

**Ahh, questions! **

**;D **

**I want to upload the next chapter already! xD**

**[pst! Syed goes back to working with Steve! :O] **

**MIRROR SLASH xxx**


	17. Chapter 16

**Hey guys...thanks for the reviews! They mean so much. **

**This is another depressing chapter. **

**I'm so sorry! :/ **

**You love it, no? ;P **

* * *

><p><strong>Treading Water <strong>

Christian woke up with a start as the bathroom door swung to, and glanced bleary-eyed at Syed as he stood there - clean-shaven, hair glossy, teeth brushed.

"Morning," he said gruffly, shifting about under the covers and wondering at what time Syed had gotten up. Usually he noticed if Syed wasn't lying right beside him, but lately he'd been scared to get too close to him, to wrap his arms around him in case it set Syed off on one again.

It scared him how quickly he'd adjusted to this 'look but can't touch' routine.

"Morning you," Syed replied, doing his best to smile fully, but the smile never quite reaching his eyes.

The ultimatum he'd left Christian with the previous night was still lingering in the air between the two of them, with neither really wanting to bring it up, but both knowing it was imperative to their future.

_I don't want you...to be hanging around with her ever again. _

It had been like a slap to the face for Christian. He'd known Roxy for years. And they cared about each other. But right now, it was her or Syed...

"I'm off to work," Syed said. There it was again – the wobble in the carefully applied smile. The crack in the concrete exterior. His hair fell down and masked his face as he knelt and kissed Christian on the cheek. Christian breathed in deeply. In these times where Syed was slipping away, where he'd stiffen at his touch, or simply pull away, Christian couldn't even begin to describe how important small moments like these were. The soft tickle of Syed's hair as it brushed his own face. How he smelt, how he felt, how he _looked_.

"You smell good, Sye," Christian chuckled appreciatively.

Syed laughed. "I'll see you...when I get back. I'm going to visit Lumen first."

Christian nodded seriously.

"Good luck. I want to hear everything when you get back."

Syed nodded and made to walk out of the door. At the last moment, he turned back and regarded Christian sadly.

"I do love you, you know."

Emotion made it difficult for Christian to talk.

"I know."

"And I..." Syed stopped abruptly. He forced another smile. "And I'll see you tonight, yeah?"

"I'll be right here," Christian nodded.

* * *

><p>"Hello again Syed!"<p>

Francesca Lumen seemed happy to see him. "Please have a seat."

Syed obliged and Lumen fixed him with a pointed stare. "What is it? You look worried?"

Slowly, Syed pulled his hand out of his pocket and showed her the rubix cube, smashed into different pieces, as if he was holding fragments of the rainbow.

A peal of laughter spilled out of the councillor's mouth. "Oh Syed! Take it you had a bit of trouble then?"

"You could say that," Syed grimaced. "Things haven't been going well between the two of us. If anything, they're worse."

"These methods take time," Lumen smiled, "But trust me, we'll get there. Would you like to tell me what's happened?"

Syed looked down and muttered.

"He slept with someone else."

Lumen's eyebrows arched so high they almost touched the patchwork ceiling.

"Christian?"

"Yes. Said it was a mistake."

"How do you feel about that?"

"At first I felt angry," Syed admitted. "And then...I don't know. Just empty. I told him to stay away from her."

"Her?" Lumen's eyebrows were no longer visible.

"He was very drunk," Syed said quickly. "Said it would never happen again, but I don't want to take that risk."

"And you told him all this?"

"I yelled at him. I..." Syed bit his lip anxiously. "I hit him and he held me down, then..." Syed looked at her, his dark eyes pleading for help. "Then I panicked. Things got blurry. I couldn't see Christian anymore, I could just see _him_."

"The person who attacked you?" She asked quietly.

Syed nodded. "I could just see him, feel him holding me down, and hear him threatening me. I was so scared, I just...I couldn't breathe. Christian said I had a panic attack."

She nodded. "High levels of stress and anxiety can bring about a panic attack. Obviously you were upset about the news, and that combined with the traumatic experience...well, that's enough to send anybody into a panic attack," she smiled sympathetically. "So Christian's never going to see this woman ever again?"

A new tide of panic washed over Syed as he thought the unthinkable: He'd been so confident when he'd made his commandment – as if Christian wouldn't think twice about abandoning his long-time friend. But what if he chose Roxy over him? What would he do then?

"I...I..." Syed stuttered. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Of course," Lumen sighed. "Listen, for you to properly be with Christian again, we're going to have to control your mind. And when I say 'we,' I mean 'you.' Only you can do that. The mind is a powerful thing, Syed, and you can control it."

"How?" Syed yelled. "Do you think I _want _to feel this way? That seeing him and wanting him to...to touch me, isn't killing me? Do you know how angry I get with myself for being scared?"

"There's no use blaming yourself. Or him," Francesca explained gently. "What I mean is, you're associating certain aspects of this 'attacker' with Christian, and so, naturally you're scared. What is it that this man and Christian have in common?"

"Nothing!" Syed muttered, perplexed. Suddenly, he felt tired. "I mean, he's a monster. Christian is the most caring person I know."

"There _must _be some similarities," she pushed.

"They're arrogant," Syed grinned. Lumen noticed how each line around his mouth crinkled and his eyes took on a mischievous twinkle. "And _proud. _They're both...very conscious of their image. They both work out a lot to maintain their physique, I guess."

"So both are strong, domineering men in your life?"

"I suppose you could say that," Syed shrugged. Then his eyes darkened as he remembered something else. "They both say they love me."

The last part was whispered so quietly that Lumen had to lean in to catch the last few words.

"Syed..." Lumen's voice matched his own; hushed, grave, careful. "Do you know the man who attacked you?"

Syed looked up for a split-second, then away, nodding almost imperceptibly.

"I have to see him every day." He spoke through gritted teeth, but the pain in his voice had no trouble making itself heard.

"You need to report him!"

"Soon. Not yet," Syed shook his head fiercely. "Not now."

"Syed..."

"Please just...trust me. Everything will work itself out."

Lumen sighed. "I'm just a phone call away if you need to...talk. About anything. Now," she shifted the position in her seat and just like that, the conversation was over. Syed was secretly glad for this. Christian never gave up. He was like a puppy. Big and adorable and huggable, but the second he had his teeth into something, he wouldn't let go. It was nice to have someone who would give him time to think things over. "...for you to accept Christian again, you're going to have to get rid of any ill feeling between the two of you."

"There's no ill feeling!" Syed exclaimed, surprised.

"You just told me he slept with somebody else!"

"I forgive him for that..."

"You need to understand, Syed, how frustrating this is for Christian, and not just for you?"

"What do you mean?" Syed's face creased in confusion.

"He loves you. He wants to be with you, but he also wants to make you happy. I can only imagine having to stay away from you is some form of mental torture."

Syed licked his lips nervously, a sickening feeling nestling in the bottom of his stomach. He was doing all this to Christian...

"You've got to see this from his point of view. He was lonely, probably depressed. He was out with his mate and just wanted to feel like he meant something to someone."

Syed's voice caught in his throat. "He means something to me."

Something? No. _Every_thing.

"But he felt useless. It's understandable that he went looking for attention from somebody else. Even if he didn't consciously mean to. Again, the mind is a powerful thing, Syed."

"So what, I'm meant to just get used to it?" he asked bitterly. "It's fine that he's sleeping around, because it's in his subconscious?"

"Of course not,"

"But you're condoning his behaviour!"

"No. It wasn't right of him, but it's understandable. Natural, even. We're humans. We like to feel cared for. Of course what he did wasn't right, but..."

"It was inevitable," Syed spat.

"Exactly."

Syed scowled and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Syed," Lumen tutted. "I've got a present for you." Again, she rummaged in the pocket of her cardigan – a different one this time. Red, and probably hand-knitted. Slowly, she pulled out another rubix cube.

Syed laughed.

"Be careful with this one," she placed into his hands.

"I will," Syed smiled gingerly.

"Well, it's been half an hour, so that's our time up," Lumen said. "I'll see you next week."

She rose with him and walked him over to his office door. "Remember what I said? Call me at any time."

Syed nodded. He didn't want to be a burden on anybody, but then again, she was _paid _to help pathetic excuses like him.

"Thank you."

The second she closed the door behind him and he stepped into the foyer, his resolve washed away. His knees felt weak and he had to lean against the wall just to keep himself standing.

He had to go to work now. Had to face Steve Lewis. Had to act like everything was normal, even though he really just wanted to hug his knees to his chest and bury his head and never come up for air again...

"Sir? Sir, are you alright?"

It was only when Syed opened his eyes and was met with the concerned face of the receptionist, and tens of curious eyes in the waiting room, that Syed realised his hands were now fists, something suspiciously like water was leaking from his eyes, and that he was hyperventilating.

The receptionist filled a plastic cup with water from a distiller and held it to his lips. He drank it shakily, but the _de ja vu_ from last night made him feel even dizzier.

And still all eyes were upon him.

"Thank you," he managed to choke out, before breaking away and running out of the room, down a few flights of stairs and finally out into the fresh air .

It felt as if he'd dived to the bottom of the ocean and then finally broken through the surface.

Keeling over, he grasped his thighs with his hands and willed his heart to stop racing.

He had to see Steve.

He could do this.

_You've forced your way to the surface Syed. Just keep kicking. Keep fighting. _

_And whatever you do..._

_Don't drown. _

* * *

><p>Pints were being downed in The Vic. Darts smacked the board. Glasses clinked other glasses in celebration or mutual respect. All this was just monotone to Christian. He was too used to the general hubbub of the place.<p>

"So that's it then?" Roxy yelled to be heard above the noise. "You're just ditching me because Syed said so? Well, we definitely know who wears the pants in this relationship!" Emptying her glass, she grabbed her handbag and stood up.

"Babe, wait!" Christian desperately held onto her arm and pulled her back. "I don't want it to be like this..."

Roxy's eyes softened. "Then don't."

Christian sighed. "It's not that simple, Rox. He's really hurt by what happened, and I don't blame him."

"So we just stop talking to each other? Stop seeing each other?"

"Maybe it's best if we just sort of, stay under Sye's radar?"

"Lie to his face and meet up behind his back? Is that what you're suggesting?" Roxy placed a hand on her hip and blew a strand of hair from her face angrily. "Cause you'd know all about that, wouldn't you? Look, sorry Christian. But I thought I was your friend..."

"Roxy..."

"Turns out I'm nothing." Tears sparkled in her eyes. "And you know what? I think I've always known that. Deep down. I've just been this...this _scum _stuck to your shoe that Syed disapproved of. And now he's really done it...getting rid of me. You were the one person Christian, that made me feel like I was someone."

"Roxy..." Christian's tone was apologetic. On one hand he wanted to grab Roxy, hug her and never let her go. Tell her that nobody could ever replace her. That he was going to be her '_twink' _forever and ever. But on the other hand there was Syed.

Stalemate.

"No," Roxy shook her head, disgusted. She turned on her heels and stormed out, bumping into Patrick along the way and not bothering to turn back.

The Vic's door slammed behind her.

"Ehhh...what's wrong with her?" Patrick exclaimed.

"Haven't got the faintest clue," Christian said, his voice a monotone, his face blank.

He looked around the pub; busy and jostling with people. The love of his life was untouchable and his best friend had permanently walked out of his life.

It was strange how, in the midst of so many people, he managed to feel completely and utterly alone.

* * *

><p>"<em>Syed! It's good to see you again, my boy!" <em>

Insert warm handshake and a hug so that Steve's mouth was pressed against Syed's ear.

"_I'll see you in my office after work."_

Just those few words still had him breaking into a sweat. He hadn't been able to concentrate on work all day.

Why was he there?

Because he and Christian needed the money that was why. Because if they didn't get it soon, Phil Mitchell would do something a lot worse than what Steve had done to him.

It was after hours. People were packing up and leaving for home.

All in all the day had been tiring. People had been telling him how glad they were that he was back to work. There were a few hushed 'sorry to hear about the incident's which he had gracefully accepted. Of course they knew about the attack, just not about _who _had done it.

His heart heavy, Syed made his way over to his boss' office.

Forcing himself to breathe, he pushed the door open.

_Breathe, Sye, breathe. Keep fighting. _

_Stay afloat. _

"Sye! Good, good, I've been wanting to talk to you. How have you been?"

Syed shut the door behind him and stared at his boss coldly.

"No? Not going to talk to me? Oh grow up Syed, stop playing these childish games. We both know you enjoyed it."

"I was hospitalised for a week!" The words, anguished and red-hot, exploded from Syed's mouth like a volcano.

Steve Lewis' eyes narrowed.

"If you tell anyone..."

"If I wanted to tell anyone, don't you think they would know by now?"

Steve smiled, standing from behind his desk and walking over to Syed.

"You told no-one?" he repeated.

"Yes," Syed shook his head. "I mean...no," he nodded. What was this man doing to him? Frantically, he took a few paces backwards. This was all the prompting Steve needed to dart forward. Syed's eyes widened, his hand grasping behind him for the door handle. He felt like a deer being chased by a lion. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a 50 tonne truck.

Wasting no time, Steve shoved Syed up against the office door, holding him in place with his muscular bulk.

"You told no-one...which means you want this to stay as our little secret!" Steve's eyes lit up. "You enjoyed it, Sye! You want this..."

"No!" Syed struggled. "I just want to forget it ever happened..."

"Hard to get," Steve licked his lips. "I like it."

"What is wrong with you? I don't like you, I don't want to be with you, and I certainly don't..."

"Shhh..." Steve's fingers tapped up Syed's chest, crawled up his neck like a spider, and then a finger settled on his lips. "Don't lie; it's unbecoming. I love you, Sye. It's natural, and you know it."

Syed stared at the man towering over him.

"You really believe that, don't you?" he realised. "You need help. You're delusion. You're crazy..."

"...in love with you."

"Let me go."

The hand trailed up and stroked Syed's face, then stroked the dark curls, tucking them neatly behind his ear, exposing the flesh of his neck.

Stooping his head, Steve planted a kiss against the bare flesh, letting out a loud groan as his lips met the soft skin.

"Oh Sye..." he breathed.

Syed squeezed his eyes shut.

"Don't. Please, just don't."

"Of course," Steve sighed. "We have to take things slowly. Next time, Sye. But say it for me tonight. Tell me how you feel about me."

"You..." Syed drew in a deep breath. "You make me sick."

Steve's knee came crashing up with a sudden force and made it's connection right between Syed's legs. For a moment, the pain was blinding. Lights flashed behind Syed's eyes and he crumpled to the floor, face twisted in pure agony.

"Tell me," Steve spat. "How. You. Feel."

Syed let out a grunt of pain, his face so low that it almost kissed the ground.

"I..." His voice was strained. "I love you."

"Better." Steve seized Syed by the collar and dragged him up. "I care about you...but you bring it upon yourself," he muttered. "Now get out."

Syed staggered out the office, out of the building, and onto the darkened pavement.

It was only when he was far enough, and he was sure that nobody could see or hear him, that he properly broke down.

The sobs could've broken a grown man's heart; had anybody been listening.

* * *

><p>"Syed? Syed? Oh come on! <em>Talk <em>to me!" Christian let out a frustrated gasp. "What's wrong?"

Syed had been home for three hours.

He hadn't said a word.

He'd just sat down on the sofa, staring at the blank TV as if some sort of invisible drama was playing itself over and over again.

"Sye. Stop doing this...you're scaring me!" The fear in Christian's voice was real.

And still Syed stared ahead.

"What can I do? Shall I call Lumen? Will that help?"

Once again, Christian fought the urge to wrap his arms around Syed – embrace him in a great big bear hug, kiss him better.

Kiss him everywhere.

Hold him tightly.

Love him.

There was so much love in Christian it was positively radiating out of every pore, but Syed wouldn't take any of it.

"Stop it!" Christian's voice rose a pitch in distress. "It's not funny anymore Sye. Sye...I love you."

Syed stiffened.

"Don't say that,"

"But...I do?" Christian frowned. What was wrong?

"I said I don't want to hear it."

"Is this about me and Roxy? Cause it's over. "Christian sat down next to Syed. "I told her, okay? It's just the two of us." He went, unthinkingly, to put his arm around Syed.

Syed did more than flinch this time. His hands flew up to protect himself, beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"Don't hit..." he began. His throat was too dry with fear to continue.

Christian stood up, feeling as though he'd been stabbed.

"Syed..." he spoke, the hurt in his voice was evident. "I thought we were making progress."

Syed lowered his hands and clamped his mouth shut, unresponsive. Christian could almost see him crawling back into his shell.

"I'm not having a go at you, Sye," he sighed. "I just want to talk."

Nothing.

"Okay," Christian said, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice. "I'm going up to bed. Join me when you're ready."

Why did he have the feeling that the invitation wouldn't be accepted?

And still Syed kept on staring at the blank TV.

If only he could forget about Steve.

If only he could get rid of the sense of fear he felt every time he looked at another man...let alone Christian.

If only he could get rid of the static he could feel in his body, and of the screaming that just wouldn't stop in his head.

_If only he could breathe. _

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked it! <strong>

**THANK YOU FOR READING THIS **

**Tell me what you think! The reviews (no kidding) actually bring a smile to my face. Plus, I've stayed up (it's currently half two in the morning) to write this, so you'd better like it! :P**

**(Obviously, that would explain any mistakes I've made.) **

**MirrorSlash xxx**


	18. Chapter 17

**Heyyy guys. This chapter is like...sexy, cause everything comes out in it =] and maybe, just maybe, Chryed can be happy again? **

**I would also like to say a HUUUGE thank you to everyone who reads/subscribes/adds this story/reviews etc. You guys are sooo awesome! :D I know many people came on here or have friends from the WFCTGIO thread...I don't have that, so I'm so glad that I've had so many positive reviews **

**LOVE YOU ALL **

**[half way through I have a quote from the song 'I know him so well.' I thought it suited Syed's thoughts perfectly! Like, he's moved his entire world to be with Christian, and it's still not working. **

**Enjoy **

**Mirror Slash **

* * *

><p><strong>Intangible <strong>

Christian lay curled up on the sofa, knees cuddled to his chest in the foetal position, his large arms wrapped around the cushion, his chin resting on the edge.

How had it come to be like this?

A few months ago they'd been happy. No, more than happy. Everything had been perfect, and they knew that no matter what life threw at them, they'd be able to take it, because they were so in love.

What had changed and how had it happened so quickly?

How had it gotten so that Syed was asleep without him, and he was huddled on the downstairs sofa during yet _another _sleepless night? How had it gotten so that he'd made the most stupid mistake of his life- sleeping with another person?

Christian squeezed his eyes tight shut, willing the pang of guilt to go away. Every time he thought about what he had done, his stomach twisted within himself in disgust. He was an idiot. Not only that, but he was a useless idiot. Syed hadn't spoken to him last night, and he hadn't been able to do anything – anything at all – to make him feel better, to bring him back.

He had always known what Syed wanted. Now...now he hadn't got a clue.

Sighing, he shifted his position slightly on the sofa. When would things go back to normal? If ever. Syed had been meeting with the councillor, but he hadn't really spoken to Christian about how it was going. And if anything, things seemed to be going downhill.

Truth was, he was worried about Syed. He'd grown skinnier, paler, and the man was clearly unhappy, so why wouldn't he say anything? Whenever Christian tried to bring up the topic of work, something glittered in Syed's eyes. Fear? Anxiety? Discomfort? Whatever it was, it was always gone before Christian could decipher the look. And that was how it had been. Syed was distanced, fading, _intangible. _

And it terrified him.

A sudden noise made him sit up and he turned to see Syed standing in the living room doorway. Their eyes locked and neither said anything for a while.

Syed finally broke the stare.

"Morning,"

"Morning," Christian said softly. So Syed was talking to him now? For once, Christian felt paralysed. For once, he didn't feel completely relaxed in his partner's company. He didn't know what to say or do, for fear of making anything worse. "Feeling better?" He opted for the easy way out.

A slight nod of the head and a rub of bleary eyes. He wrapped his dressing gown closer while Christian laid down the cushion. The need to embrace each other was overwhelming.

Instead, Christian stood up. "Do you want breakfast?"

Syed ignored the question.

"How long have you been downstairs for?"

"The second you dropped off," Christian said honestly. "Couldn't sleep."

Syed peered at him closely.

"You haven't slept all night!" He exclaimed.

Christian shrugged.

"I'm fine," he insisted. He made to go past Syed in the doorway, and for a moment, there was only a _fraction_ of spacebetween them. Christian stood for a moment, looking down at Syed, feeling his breath warm upon his face. He mentally tried to distance himself from all emotion. There was no point in choking up now. No need to stroke Syed's face and trace the smooth skin. No point in telling him how he'd cried the majority of last night.

"Now then...breakfast?" Christian squeezed his way through the door and into the kitchen.

He could feel Syed's eyes boring into his back.

"Just some strong coffee please," Syed said, "Don't want to be late to work."

"Babe," Christian said gently. "Are you sure you should go in today?"

A slight pause.

"I'm fine."

Christian turned to face him.

"That's not what I asked."

Syed looked away. "Listen; I'm going in today, okay? We can talk when I come back."

"You'll talk to me will you?" Christian's voice took on a bitter edge. "Like you've been doing, huh?"

"Christian..." Syed pleaded.

"No. We're talking now," Christian said sharply. "You need time off work."

"Since when do you tell me what to do?" Syed's voice rose angrily.

Christian sighed. "And we need to figure out what we're going to do about Phil."

Syed opened his mouth to protest but Christian jumped in; "_Together." _

Ten minutes later they were sitting at their table, mugs of steaming coffee before them.

"I've been thinking..." Christian started. "Phil's scared. He's scared of you and we can use that to our advantage."

"Last time I looked at it, I was pretty scared of _him_," Syed shot back, stirring the hot liquid in his mug furiously.

Christian bit back a reply. Now wasn't the time to aggravate Syed; not when he was being so confrontational already.

"I mean...this whole thing started because he didn't want you to report anything to the press!"

Christian thought back with a shudder, to what was one of the most terrifying moments of his life; trying to bargain with a man like Phil Mitchell. Alone. In an alley. With nobody to call as back-up.

"_You tell your lover Syed...to stay away." _Phil had hissed. He'd been dangerously close, backing Christian against the concrete wall. If anybody had happened to catch a glimpse, they'd have just thought it was Christian up to his old ways; doing 'dirty homosexual things' as Zainab liked to call it, in the likes of alleyways, dark corners and bike sheds.

"_What's Syed got to do with this?"_ He'd been genuinely perplexed, and totally overcome with the need to protect Sye.

"_You just tell him ol' Phil doesn't want him publicizing anything. He'll know what I mean." _

Phil smelt of cigs, alcohol. Christian could smell the fear emanating off his own body.

"_You just tell Syed not to report anything and he can keep his job...how do you think Steve Lewis managed to move down to Walford and set up his business instantaneously? Who do you think backed him?"_

"_He's in partnership with you?"_

"_Steve Lewis works for me...I tell him to fire Syed and your partner's ass is screwed faster and harder than you could ever manage Christian."_

Shock. Christian's mouth wide open as the penny dropped. Man he'd landed himself in it this time.

"_Now, you have four weeks to get me that money, or Syed's out of a job, and let's just say you pretty boys won't be looking so pretty..."_

Fear. Panic. The urge to run away but the knowledge that it would make everything worse.

"_I'm glad we understand each other. Same time, same place. Four weeks..." _

And that had been three and a half weeks ago.

Now, Christian spoke out loud. "What was it that Phil wouldn't want you to report? I know you said it was ridiculous, but I wouldn't put much past that man."

"That he was degrading young girls; using them in...indecent photoshoots. You know the sort." Syed eyes met Christian's. "Isn't that _disgusting_?"

Christian nodded vacantly. "That's big news. He's a nasty character but something like that is low – even for him."

Syed shrugged and downed the last of the coffee. "Now if you'll excuse me...I have to go to work."

* * *

><p><em>No one in your life is with you constantly<em>

_No one is completely on your side,_

_And though I moved my world to be with him, _

_Still the gap between us is too wide. _

Syed closed the front door behind him. It had been raining and he was soaked through and shivering. He was slightly surprised to see Christian standing before him, dressed all in black, a grim look on his face.

"Where are you going?" Syed asked.

"Out. Going to end this once and for all." Christian's mouth was set in a determined line.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to Phil Mitchell's," Christian reached into his dark hoodie and pulled out a small camera. "I'm going to get evidence of what he's up to, and then send it to the police!"

"No!" Syed exploded. "You said yourself how dangerous Phil is. If he catches you..."

"He won't. All I'm going to do is collect the evidence, then send this off to the police. Anonymously if need be. Then we're off the hook."

"How? Do you really think Phil is going to stay in jail for long?"

"No, silly. But we can definitely use this as blackmail."

Syed rubbed his face tiredly. "Of course."

For the first time since he'd walked through the door, Christian looked at him properly.

"Are you alright?"

Syed shivered again. There was no way he could tell Christian what had happened at work...

Feeling both physically and emotionally drained, he forced himself to smile at Christian brightly.

"I'm fine. Come on then."

"Wha...?"

"I'm coming with you to Phil's garage."

Christian laughed. "No you're not. Stay here, I won't be long."

"I thought we did everything _together_?" Syed said pointedly, mimicking Christian's statement from that morning.

"But it'll be dangerous."

Syed grinned. "Gotcha," he winked. "So you admit it? I'm coming with you."

And Christian knew there was no point in arguing.

"Alright, alright."

* * *

><p>"There's nobody in here," Syed whispered to Christian.<p>

They were standing in the entrance to '_Mitchell's Autos_.' Taking another step inside, Christian closed the blue doors behind them, and surveyed the area critically.

"Then why are the lights on?"

They could clearly see car tyres, engines, a dirty oil-soaked rag on the floor.

"Maybe he left them?" Syed tugged on his arm. "Let's go, Clarkey..."

"Shh," Christian interrupted, nodding towards a door on their right. Muffled voices could be heard coming from behind it.

While Christian fiddled with the camera, Syed stole forward and knelt beside the door. He closed one eye and pressed the other to the keyhole. A short time passed, then he recoiled in disbelief.

"Christian," he whispered.

"What?" Christian was behind him, camera at the ready. "Move out the way?"

"You don't want to see this."

"What are you talking about?" Christian knelt down next to him and angled himself next to the keyhole.

"Christian!" Syed hissed. "Please don't look."

"Syed, you can go if you want to! Now I'm here to..." Christian looked through the keyhole.

Syed watched him worriedly. He watched as Christian froze, as if he were a block of ice. He watched the subtle changes in his body language; watched all the muscles in his body tense. Watched his eyes darken and flash, and as sure as Syed knew himself, he knew a storm was about to hit.

Christian drew away from the door, his mouth wide open in shock and disgust. Suddenly, with new energy, he rose to his feet and tried the door.

"Christian..."

He shook his head angrily, and paused for a split-second in surprise as the door wasn't locked.

"_Phil!" _

Syed had never seen Christian so angry before. Phil looked up in surprise, barely having time to react before Christian's fist smashed into his jaw. Phil fell onto his back, his face mangled and bloody.

For a moment, nobody existed in that room. It was just him and Phil. Christian knelt down and raised Phil's face to meet him by the scruff of his collar. His right hand clenched itself into another fist.

"Christian!" Syed shouted. He had run into the room and was standing right beside him, but his voice sounded so far away...

"Christian, stop it! Please!" Another voice. Young. Female. Suddenly, the world shifted back into focus and he raised his eyes to look at her.

_Lucy. _

His sister's step-daughter. Practically family. Barely dressed.

"Go get your clothes. We're leaving. _Now_." Christian said, his voice icily-quiet.

All sense of bravado and indignation had disappeared from Lucy Beale's' face. Turning bright red, she walked to the back of the room.

Christian turned back to Phil.

"How dare you?"

"He's not worth it. Let's leave," Syed begged.

"You're a dirty, sick, twisted, _evil_ little man," Christian spoke vehemently.

Phil turned his head and spat onto the floor. Saliva and blood seeped through the floorboards.

"And if I was anything like you, I'd finish you, right here, right now," Christian said. "But I'm not you, so I guess you're lucky." He dragged Phil closer until they were just a centimetre apart. "But if you _ever_ come near my niece again, I promise you..._I will kill you._" He spoke slowly and deliberately, half-scaring himself by how sincerely he meant the words. "And if you ever do anything like this to anybody ever again..."

Christian felt the anger rising within him.

A hand placed itself on his shoulder.

"Let's go." It was Syed. Lucy was standing behind him, fully dressed now, tears staining her face and shivering.

Christian heaved himself off Phil in disgust. His eyes fell onto the camera Phil had been pointing at Lucy when he'd walked in. Throwing it to the ground, he quickly crushed it under his feet.

"Just so you're not tempted to use any of those photos," he spat.

Anger still bubbling inside him, he allowed Syed to guide him out, only turning at the last moment:

"Oh, and about the money...I think we're even. Don't you?"

* * *

><p><strong>Not necessarily a Chryed chapter, but the rest are so don't worry. <strong>

**At least they're off the hook about paying back Phil. **

**Didn't see that coming, did ya? :P **

**xxxxx**


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 **

**Everything's just bubbling underneath the surface; answers, Christian and Syed's real emotions...**

* * *

><p><strong>Christian's View (Part III) <strong>

_I stared and stared at her and she stared back. She was ashamed, I could tell. But not ashamed enough to look away. Syed stood beside me, as if for moral support. _

_Ironic. _

"_What are you doing back here?" I started with a simple question. For that, she seemed grateful. "Last time I checked you were in Devon." _

"_Yeah well I came back, didn't I? I'd had enough." _

"_How did you...? You know what, never mind. What I really want to know is how you became involved with a piece of work like Phil Mitchell." _

"_It wasn't intentional, alright?" Lucy snapped. "I needed the money," _

"_So you decided to go sell yourself to lowlifes like..." _

"_I wasn't selling myself!" Lucy replied hotly. _

"_Christian..." It was Syed, warning me not to go too far. Deep down, I knew he was right. Pushing her wouldn't help now. But I was so angry. I cared about Lucy, and to see her taken advantage of like that..._

_Why could I never protect the ones I loved?_

"_You were as good as doing that! Why didn't you come to me?"_

"_I can look after myself!" _

"_Clearly," I retorted. "I thought you knew better?"_

_Lucy scowled, but I wasn't done. "Haven't you been raised better? If not by Ian then surely by me?" I yelled, exasperated. _

"_I didn't ask for your help." _

"_But you could've. And you wouldn't have had to be in this mess! Who else did Phil manipulate?"_

"_He didn't. I signed up. I wanted to provide for myself."_

"_Who else?" I yelled again, unable to help myself. What I'd seen when I'd looked through that door...it made me sick..."Who else did he use?"_

"_Christian...I'll go and make us some drinks, shall I?" Syed said quietly, leaving Lucy and I alone. _

"_I don't know," Lucy wrapped her arms around herself defensively. "I mean, once while I was waiting, Whitney came out...but I can't be definite that that's what she was doing." _

"_It's disgusting. I mean, a man like Phil..." I muttered to myself. _

_Lucy stood up. _

"_If you don't mind, I'll show myself out." _

"_You're not going anywhere." _

"_You can't tell me what to do!" She stopped and sighed. "Look, Uncle Christian. You're amazing, okay? Thank you for...for caring." She shrugged. "No-one else does."_

_I smiled at her. "But I've got to go. Maybe back to Devon. I can't stay here; look what I've caused already." _

_Syed walked back in, holding a tray and, three mugs balancing on top of it. _

"_I didn't know how you like your tea Lucy, so I put in two sugars," Syed smiled. _

_Lucy sat back down and took the drink. _

"_Thanks," _

"_Right, Luce. Stay and chat for a while, eh? Then I'll drive you up to Ian's." _

"_You won't tell him anything?" Lucy started as if scalded by the drink. _

"_Lucy, I'm taking this up with the police! Of course Ian's going to find out." _

"_Please don't," _

_I hesitated. Syed looked at me too. _

"_Don't, Clarkey. Not for a while. No more drama?"_

"_But what he did was wrong..."_

"_We can discuss it later?" Syed looked at me pointedly. I knew what he was thinking. He wanted Lucy out. Things had never really been the same between them ever since he'd found out she was the one that had been blackmailing him. But that was old news? Bridge under the water. Nevertheless, he'd never gotten rid of the idea that Lucy, even though just a child, was a manipulative person. _

"_Okay," I relented. _

* * *

><p>Lucy had been packed off to her father, Ian Beale, with no more explanation than 'I came down because I missed Walford.' Ian had looked pleasantly surprised, and no persuasion was needed to let her in.<p>

Christian was in the kitchen, stirring something in a pot on the stove.

"Smells delicious," Syed came up behind him and smiled gently.

"It's only sauce to go with the spaghetti, don't get too excited," Christian joked.

Syed laughed, and then the happiness faded from his face as he blurted out:

"I have something to tell you."

Christian turned, instantly detecting the serious note in his voice.

"What is it?"

"The person who attacked me...it was Steve. Steve Lewis," Syed gabbled.

Christian stood still for a moment, then he dropped the wooden spoon that he was holding, so that the sauce splattered all over the kitchen floor and his jeans.

"Your boss?"

"Yes."

"And you went back to work?" The words left Christian's mouth fast, angered, explosive.

"I thought we need the money, because of the whole thing with Phil..."

"Wait, let me get this straight. Your boss assaulted you, and you were prepared to see him on a daily basis to get _me _out of a mess I'd gotten myself into?"

Syed smiled. "Pretty much,"

"Don't you ever do that again!" Christian said. "I can't believe...right." Christian's eyebrows knotted and he dried his hands on his jeans' and headed towards the door.

"Where you going?"

"To teach that bastard a lesson," Christian said gravely.

"No, wait!" Syed ran up to him. "Don't you think you've had enough fights for one night?"

"There's too many bastards in this world."

"That's why I'm lucky to have found you," Syed smiled up at him.

Christian let out a groan of frustration. "Why are you so bloody cute? Listen, you've got to report this man. And Phil, come to think of it. I can't just stand by while the people are care about are victimised and..."

"Christian, you know that Phil will never go down for this whole thing. Lucy said it herself; she agreed to it. And please, please don't make a big thing about Steve. I want to forget it ever happened."

"You're not going back to that place ever again," Christian said, his voice softer now, but the anger still present. "You hear me?"

"Yes sir," said Syed.

"Good," Christian held back the impulse to draw Syed closer to him and kiss him passionately. He coughed; anything to take his mind off...that. "Right, let me get back to making dinner, eh?"

"Sure," Syed nodded. "I'm just going to go for a quick walk. I'll be back in time for dinner."

* * *

><p>"Where you off to?"<p>

7a.m. Considering the fact that Syed had given up his job, he should've been in bed. Or having breakfast at least. So why was he widely awake and dressed?

"Meeting with the counsellor," Syed lied.

"Oh okay. In that case..." Christian snuggled back down under the quilt. "Love you,"

"Love you too."

The door clicked shut behind them.

Syed felt guilty for lying, of course he did, he reflected as he drew his coat around himself and set off down the road to his workplace.

But this was the last time.

He had to see Steve. Just one more time.

But he'd promised Christian...

But this needed to be done.

Arriving at his destination, he made straight for his boss' office, ignoring the stares of the other employees.

"Come in."

How many times had he heard Steve say those words? How many times had it led to disaster?

Syed narrowed his eyes. This time would be different.

* * *

><p>It wasn't different. It never was.<p>

"Couldn't wait till after work to see me?" Steve smiled sardonically. "I feel the exact same way."

"I'm leaving, boss," Syed spoke clearly. "I don't want to work here anymore. Not after what's happened. Not after what you did to me."

"You can't leave,"

"I can. It's different. You can't threaten to fire me because I don't care. I don't want to work here anymore."

"But...I love you," Steve said, standing up from behind the desk and making his way to Syed. Syed, in an attempt to get away from him, spun to his right, unintentionally placing himself further away from the door. Seeing his chance, Steve pulled out a key from his pocket and twisted it in the lock. Then he pulled at the waistband of his trousers, and dropped the key into – from this distance, what Syed could only assume were his boxers. "If you want it...come get it. You know you want to," Steve winked.

Syed turned, almost physically sick. "You're a twisted man,"

"Come on Syed..." Steve took some steps closer towards him."You love it really. Naked 'Hide and Seek' that's what I call it. All we need are the handcuffs..." He lunged towards Syed, who darted to his right and hit his back against the far wall.

"No? Not your kind of thing? What do you and Christian do, eh? Whipped cream? Blindfolds?" He made another dart for Syed, managing to grab hold of a wrist. Syed struggled, but Steve was too strong for him. "Chocolate?" Steve continued guessing. With his free hand, he undid the belt from around his waist and gripped it firmly. _"Whips?"_

Syed tried to hit out with his other arm, but Steve just grabbed it, forcing him down onto the floor.

"This feels familiar, doesn't it?"he snickered. "You know what else?" He whispered quietly. "It feels good."

Syed shook his head.

"Let me go or you'll regret this."

"And what are you going to do? Clothes off."

A command. Syed obeyed, his hands shaking as he undid the buttons of his shirt. What was the point of resisting? Steve was holding the belt, and Syed knew how much damage that could do.

"I've come prepared," Steve said, opening the front drawer of his desk and pulling it open. Syed could see a tube of lubricant...handcuffs.

Steve wasted no time in pulling out the metallic cuffs, and snapping them around Syed's wrists, so that he was cuffed to the desk's legs.

Quickly, Steve discarded his own clothes, throwing the door key onto the desk, rubbing the lube on to his fingers.

"Let's do this properly,"

Syed pulled frantically against the table, whose legs were bolted well and truly to the ground. This had gone way too far.

Syed shivered uncontrollably, sick to his stomach, as he felt Steve's cock press itself up against his naked ass. It teased around the hole, before preparing to plunge itself in.

Tears streamed down his face. He couldn't take this again...Couldn't take the pain, the humiliation, the downright degradation of the whole situation.

The office door burst right open, and both Syed and Steve looked up in shock to see Christian standing there, and look of fear and fury on his face.

"Christian," Syed said in relief. He must've broken the door down. But how had he found him? Never mind that, he was just glad he was here.

Christian took in the scene in front of him and the fear turned into anger. Quickly, his first instinct was to close the door behind him, so none of the employees could see Syed cuffed, naked to the desk. Preserving Syed's dignity, what was left of it, was paramount.

In four quick strides Christian had reached Steve, dragged him off Syed, and punched him in the stomach, surprising himself as he smiled when Steve his the floor.

"_You bastard!" _he spat. "Nobody touches my Sye."

Steve coughed and struggled to get up. Wrong move. Christian straddled him and punched him in the face this time. Blood streamed from his nose. "Nobody!" Christian screamed. "You hear me?"

"Leave him," Syed said. "Please just get me out of here."

Christian's hand flexed, and then suddenly, he relaxed it. "You're right," he consented.

"Where's the key?" Christian glared.

"In...in the desk," Steve spluttered.

Christian left Steve, opened the desk drawer and pulled out a small bunch of keys. The third one fit in the lock and allowed Syed to slip out of the handcuffs, massaging his wrists.

"Are you alright?" Christian whispered confidentially.

"I'm fine." Syed hunted for his clothes and slipped them back on quickly. "Let's get out of here."

"You can't...you can't call the police...please..." Steve begged pathetically, still on the floor.

Christian started towards him but Syed pulled him back.

"I'm fine, okay? It could've been a lot worse."

"But Sye..."

"It'll be my word against his," Steve pointed out.

"Not quite," Syed said, triumphant. He walked over to the cabinet near the office door and removed a small camera. "I put this here last night, and now we have evidence."

Christian looked at him in shock. He hadn't had a clue about this.

"Good luck Steve," Syed said.

Christian stared at Steve for one long, last time, before guiding Syed out of the office.

For the first time, in a long time, they were perfectly in agreement.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Later that day...<strong>_

"Tell me about it," the counsellor said gently.

Syed stared at the back wall. "He...he told me he loved me. Said that I should be with him, if only for the night. I said no, because...the only person I wanted was Christian. He got angry. He threw me against the wall, locked the door so I couldn't escape. Then he kissed me, and I pulled away...I made him angrier. It was my fault. He said I had to take what was coming to me...he undid his belt." Syed closed his eyes. Image after image came flooding back. "Struck me to the ground. Told me to undress and I was so scared that I started begging. Begging for him not to hurt me, just to let me go...but he just laughed at me. He had his belt and he hit me as he...as he hurt me." Syed's voice wobbled.

"You can stop now," Lumen said.

Syed shook his head. He'd opened a vault and he couldn't close it. "He told me he loved me as he did it, but he wouldn't stop. Every time I cried out for help, he'd whack me. There was blood...everywhere but he still didn't stop. He spat on my face, and then...when he was done," Syed swallowed. "He used his fingers – three of them, and he...and it..." he was gasping now, gripping the chair, eyes wide in panic. "...it wasn't right...and it hurt...and I wasn't allowed to...and I couldn't..." He couldn't breathe now. He was wheezing, having another panic attack. The feeling; the sense of complete and utter breathlessness and panic were familiar now. "Christian..." he called faintly. He needed him.

Counsellor Lumen pressed a button on her desk.

"Now, Mr. Clarke."

Syed looked up through tears to see a side door – a door he hadn't even noticed was there- open and Christian appear.

"Christian..."

It made no sense but he held his arms out for a baby and sobbed as Christian came running, hugging him tightly.

"It's alright, Sye. I'm here..." Christian said, stroking his head.

The psychiatrist watched as the sobs subsided, and both men looked to her, the pain and the confusion clear on the faces.

She stood slowly.

"See, Syed? He was the first person you called when you were in trouble. And like today, he is always the first to come running. Don't you see? That's love. What the other man did to you – he was sick and deluded. But this..." she regarded them both, clinging on to each other as if for life. "This is love. And you're blind if you can't see it."

She stood up, a small smile puckering at her lips. "You have my number Syed...but I don't think you'll be needing it," She winked at both of them. "Do you?"

At that, she walked out of the office, giving them some much needed alone time.

"How were you...?"

"She called me. Told me to wait behind the door," Christian spoke through tears of happiness. "I heard everything. You called me..."

"Of course I did. You're the only person I trust," Syed sobbed.

"She's right, you know. This is love. How could anybody not see that?"

Syed held Christian's hand, interlocking their fingers, and bowed his head, so that their foreheads were touching.

"I don't know," he said honestly.

* * *

><p><strong>What do you guys think? <strong>

**Thank you xxxxx **


	20. Chapter 19

**The much anticipated chapter :D**

**Mirror xxxx**

* * *

><p><em>Tonight we're gonna do somethin' different<br>Tonight we're gonna touch a little different  
>I'm gonna wait on you hand and foot, like the king you are, baby<br>Just lay back and I'll show you the way_

The door clicked quietly behind them.

For a few seconds, neither of them said anything. Syed raised his eyes to see Christian and smiled, happiness radiating from his body and hitting Christian in waves.

"Come here!" Christian said finally, and Syed rushed to him like a five year old runs to their dad, and flung his arms around his neck.

Christian's arms slid around Syed and squeezed him tight.

"Sye. Oh Sye, I've missed you so much..."

"I've missed YOU," Syed smiled into his neck.

"This...you..." Christian leant back and held Syed's shoulders to have a proper look at him. "You're sure you're fine now?"

"Of course I am." Syed looked at Christian, unable to stop grinning, and at that moment, Christian knew the truth...

Syed was back.

Syed's hand snaked down and grabbed Christian. Interlocking their fingers, he pulled the man closer towards him, and whispered in his soft, sweet voice.

Christian's eyes widened. "We don't have to," he shook his head in a feeble attempt to convince himself. "Not yet Syed. We can give it some time."

Syed smiled and his eyes glittered flirtatiously. "I don't want to wait."

Christian opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Syed still how the power to render him speechless, to silence him with just one word, just one look.

He made no attempt to resist as he was led to their bedroom, but once they'd got there, he raised a questioning eyebrow at Syed. One final chance to let him back out.

Syed nodded, self-assured, and quietly led Christian onto the bed, sitting on his lap.

Raw emotion, energy, electricity _exploded _as Syed's mouth met his lover's, their chests resting against each others. Christian's arms wrapped around Syed's skinny form, pulling him closer. Neither knew which one of them gave in first, but before they knew it, their mouths were open and their tongues were reaching, caressing, exploring...

Syed's hands began undoing the buttons on Christian's shirt.

"Sye..." Christian gasped, pulling away for a brief second. They stared at each other, and Christian shook his head. Even if he knew what he wanted to say, there was no way he would've been able to do it without sounding like a jabbering idiot.

Syed gave Christian's chest a gentle shove until they were lying on the bed, with him on top. Christian finally shrugged out of his shirt and Syed's hands stroked the smooth skin of his navel.

A knowing smile curved at his lips as beneath him, he felt Christian swelling and hardening with every touch.

"What do you do to me?" Christian murmured breathlessly, his eyes never once leaving Christian's mouth; the urge to stroke it, kiss it, suck it was too strong.

"Come here..."

In an instant, they had swapped places, and Christian's finger toyed with Syed's lower lip. Syed's chocolate eyes gazed up at Christian's, fully adoring him. He pouted suddenly.

"Come on Christian,"

They both knew what they wanted.

Christian smiled, hardly daring to talk, as if, for some reason, words would ruin the moment. As if it was all a dream and talking would wake him from it.

He couldn't explain what came over him in the next few seconds. His lips were devouring Syed's, crushed against them so tightly that he couldn't breathe, and even when he was afraid his heart would burst, he couldn't stop.

"I...need..you," he panted, his hands reaching down and pulling his own trousers and underwear off.

Syed wasted no time doing the same.

Christian stared at Syed, drinking in the way he was looking at him. The way that slender neck gave way to those shoulders, the dark hairs that were scattered across Syed's chest, the taut lines of the abs, the delicious hips that plunged dangerously to that place...Syed's cock, hard and swollen to the point of quivering explosion...

And it was all his.

Christian's voice was thick with excitement. "Syed...last chance."

Syed grinned. "Do me, Christian."

Christian needed no further encouragement. Reaching out to the bedside cupboard, he pulled out a small bottle of lube that hadn't been touched for weeks.

"No," Syed's voice was sudden.

Christian tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. "It's okay babe. We'll wait. Another time..."

Syed knocked the bottle of lube from Christian's hands and onto the floor. Then he grabbed Christians arm.

"You're my prince, Sye," Christian said softly. "I'll do anything for you."

Syed folded down Christian's fingers, one by one, until only his forefinger was left standing. Lowering it slowly, he pulled it towards his mouth, teasing it at first, before opening his mouth and sucking on Christian's finger.

Christian was surprised out how the warm wetness of Syed's mouth on such a small, insignificant part of his body could control him so completely. His mouth opened wide and he let out a loud moan.

"Sye..."

Syed finally stopped sucking, and let Christian slip his fingers gently out his mouth.

"What was that?" Christian whispered.

"We don't need that..." Syed gestured to the bottle, now lying forgotten, on the floor. "Do it yourself." It was half a plead, half a command, with just the right amount of each to turn Christian on even more than before.

Gently, reverently, he laid Syed's legs, one of each onto his shoulders. His cock was before him now, still as erect and wantonly open as before, and Christian couldn't control himself at the sight. Bringing his head down, his tongue dragged along the shaft, and Syed shivered uncontrollably, his arms first clutching onto the bed sheets, then finding Christian's thighs and clinging onto them.

Skin upon skin. Heat upon heat. No moment had ever felt more perfect.

Syed gasped and shook as Christian's mouth took in the full length, and his mouth began to move up and down, licking, sucking, teasing until it became unbearable.

"Christian, I can't...I can't hold on..." Syed turned red from embarrassment. Truth was, it had been a while.

Christian seemed to understand, and Syed gasped and shuddered one more time as Christian let him go.

Two fingers, held together and glistening wet, were pushed gently up Syed's ass, Christian frowning in concentration has he watched his fingers disappear in the hole.

Syed bit his tongue and shifted slightly.

"Are you okay?" Christian's voice was tense. "Should I stop?"

In response, Syed locked his legs behind Christian's neck and arched his back, forcing Christian to drive in further.

Another finger disappeared, and suddenly Syed was panting, his entire body drenched in sweat, and Christian breathed in the scent of Syed's sweet and natural perfume.

It hadn't been that long. He still knew how to please Syed, and finding the spot, he pushed, probed, massaged.

An eruption of pure pleasure burst its way through Syed's lips, and at the sound, Christian pushed harder, a bittersweet groan of excitement making its way through his parted lips too.

When he knew that Syed was ready, he removed his fingers, and guided his own throbbing erection there instead.

Entering Syed was like burning and freezing at the same time. Feeling Syed open up for him was enough to make Christian bite his lip to stop him from yelling out.

"I want to make love to you," Christian murmured.

Then they were rocking to their own rhythm, completely separate to the rest of the world. They rocked together, loved together, and slowly, the rocks became faster, more violent, and their breaths louder, more ragged.

In, out, in out...Christian had promised himself he'd take it slowly but he just couldn't stop.

Syed was jerking and writhing beneath him, his gasps mingling with Christian's own.

They came together, Christian moaning loudly as he came inside Syed, and barely being able to take it as he saw Syed ejaculate himself, spraying his own stomach with the heated substance.

When he could trust himself to speak, Syed said, "That was..."

"Nothing," Christian interrupted. "Compared to what I'm going to do to you now." He lowered Syed's legs off his shoulders, knelt down and lapped up the release on Syed stomach.

Syed's shivered in enjoyment, and his hands stroked Christian neck, face, shoulders.

"How do I taste?" He asked, grinning.

Christian moaned. How did Syed do this to him? It wasn't fair. In a voice that was deep and husky, and far too gone to pretend to be anything but, Christian replied:

"Good."

* * *

><p><strong>I spent over a day writing this. As in, OVER TWENTY FOUR HOURS. I hope you guys like this! Ahahahaha, cause I'm getting so fucking fed up of it! MirrorSlash xx<strong>


	21. Chapter 20

**Right so, we had like, 9 chapters of angst, but here's a happy one. **

**I defy anybody who dares say I haven't made it happy *glares***

**This chapter sort of...focuses on their feelings and emotions ;D**

**MirrorSlash xxx**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Forever and Always<span> **

**The morning after...**

There had been many morning afters. There had been mornings when they'd woken up after a huge fight, and lain in bed the next day and just cuddled or kissed, making up.

There'd been mornings after an argument where they _hadn't _kissed and made up, and on those morning, Christian would swing his legs out of his bed and walk over to the bathroom...and breakfast would pass in silence.

There had been those mornings where they'd simply laid, fingers intertwined, enjoying each other's company.

There had been mornings where his Tiger had not only just woken him up, but aroused him too, and it was usually on those days that Syed realised too late it was a Friday, blush and jump up from bed, determined to be on time for his _jumaa _prayers at the mosque.

But there had been no mornings like this one.

No mornings that had struck a complete and utter sense of _relief _in Christian, as this one had.

Christian leant on his elbow and watched Syed sleep, unable to help himself from smiling. After all the fights, all the tears and anger and hurt and rage and _pain... _

He was here. They'd done it. Syed was here...

Christian reached out and gently touched Syed's arm. It wasn't a dream. He was really here! Last night...

Last night had been amazing.

He was positively beaming now as he remembered the previous night. How good it had felt. How Syed, for the first time in a long time, hadn't recoiled from his touch, but simply begged for more. Christian's hand travelled upwards and raked through Syed's hair. It felt silky beneath his fingers.

He sighed loudly without meaning to.

This was bliss.

This was heaven.

_Sye_ was heaven.

"Stop touching me up in my sleep," Syed mumbled almost incoherently and turned over to his other side. Christian couldn't help it now – he burst out laughing.

"And good morning to you too!" He remarked.

"Mmmm..." Syed mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Clarkey..."

"Yes, Sye?" Christian grinned, his eyes lighting up.

"Good morning. There, you happy?" Syed turned to face Christian, wrapping his arms around his bare waist and drawing him nearer.

Christian laughed back at him, then all of a sudden the laughter faded and he fixed Syed with a completely serious glance.

"I'm more than happy. I've got you."

Syed's eyes moistened.

"I'm sorry,"

Christian raised his eyebrows and brought his head back slightly in astonishment. "What for?"

"Putting you through all this. All the fights, I mean..."

Christian's hand reached and tucked a strand of hair behind Syed's ear, and then he leaned forward and hissed his forehead.

"I'm just glad you're back," Christian murmured.

Syed smiled momentarily, then spoke again; "What am I going to do with myself today, eh? I've got to go down to the police station and give them the evidence...then I've got to find myself another job..."

"Give it a rest? Just for today?" Christian shuffled closer and slid his arm around Syed's waist, and smiled as he saw his fiancé's eyes flutter and a look of contentment pass over his face.

"You're feeling a lazy day, aren't you?" Syed grinned.

"Well," Christian lowered his voice and raised his eyebrows suggestively. "Not so much lazy..."

Syed chuckled.

"I've missed you,"

"Nahh," Christian winked. "You've just missed the sex!"

"How could you say that?" Syed parted his mouth in shock and eyed Christian seriously. "Every day I..."

"I was joking!" Christian chuckled.

Syed glared at him. "But don't let me stop you," Christian continued. "Go on...tell me how it felt being away from the awesomeness that I am. How you thought about me every day and every night, the things you wanted to do to me..."

Syed licked his lips and his eyes wandered downwards to Christian's chest, which he pushed against gently.

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Why not?" Christian pretended to look genuinely nonplussed.

"Because I do enough of that, silly. Besides, I did want you," Syed admitted quietly. "Badly."

The laughter faded from Christian's eyes, until all that was left was the echo of a bad joke that lingered on his tongue but never left his mouth.

"You've got me," he whispered.

And then nothing in that moment mattered more than the two of them. Neither man took their eyes off the other; neither stopped holding each other, wrapped in an embrace, as if their lives depended on it.

**Syed**

_He loves me, he loves me, and oh, how I love him. How could I have ever doubted that? After all we'd been through together..._

_But it doesn't matter. I'm with him now and I'm never going to let him go. _

_I love this man with every fibre of my being. Every part of me is yearning for him, and only him. My skin's on fire, burning from his touch. I'm shouting his name till my throat is raw with emotion. I just want to yell it to the world. _

_This man is mine, and I am his. _

_He's holding me. I've never felt so natural in his arms; he's holding me gently, loving me tenderly. His lips find mine and for a minute, maybe longer, I can't breathe. But I love it. _

_I love him. _

_His tongue glides over mine. He's warm and wet, and hot and sweet, and absolutely wonderful. _

_I can't think - I don't _want _to think. Every ounce of logic, every shred of sense has disappeared, evaporated in the heat of the moment. _

_Damn, I can't control myself. _

_I don't _want _to control myself. _

_We're going slowly and it's wonderful. _

_He's so beautiful. I swear there's nothing wrong with this man...any flaws, any imperfections...they're mine too, because I've chosen to be with him forever. _

_I love how he's looking at me now...looking into those eyes are like looking into my reflection in a water's edge. For a long time now, I couldn't make anything out...I could just see anger and hurt rippling off in waves. _

_For a long time, it was shattered, and I feared we'd never be able to replace it but now..._

_Now it's like I'm looking at myself – I can see my exhilaration shining through in those beautiful eyes. The triumph and elation as he makes love to me. _

_Because that's what it is. _

_He, my superman, is making love to me. _

_**Christian **_

_...We're making love. It's not anything wrong or disgusting. It's not being done in the panicked frenzy of last night, where all we'd wanted to do was strip down and go at it all night. Where our tongues fought in fierce competition, and our hands roamed all over, staking our claim. _

_No. Tonight there's passion, but it's slow, sensual. He's making it last. We're together in this, like we are in everything. _

_I love how he looks at me, and his eyes are filled to the brim with love that I wonder sometimes how he can contain it. _

_And I know, looking into them, that's it's always been there – this love. Even when he's angry with me, even through the past month where I couldn't touch him...it was always there, just beneath the surface. And now it's burst its way through and I let it's fullness wash over me. Uncontained, unlimited and uncontrolled. _

_And it's never felt so good. _

_I love hearing his ragged breath next to my head. I love it when his fingers reach up to play with my hair, when he strokes the rough jaw line, when he caresses each and every part of me, before pressing his fingers on the back of my neck, drawing me in closer. I love hearing the moans of pure ecstasy, and not being able to tell which one of us they're coming from. _

_His skin is hot on mine, but his tongue is cool and flickering and exploring and...oh, his hands join the search...It's like static...I can't think coherently, I'm too caught up in this moment...too busy submitting to Syed's will...he is the most important thing in my life, not just emotionally...but in the bedroom as well. _

_A sudden thought hits me; I want to impress him. _

_I, Christian Clarke, want to please him. _

_I don't have time to contemplate the irony. I've always known Syed was different..._

_I can hear his name; I can hear it above everything else; above my pounding heart and the blood rushing in my ears. _

"_Sye...Sye..."_

_I_ can_ hear the tone of desperation in my voice, but don't have the will to lower it. All I care about is him and being held in his arms. _

_Sweat lines his forehead, glistens on his body and sticks to me. In a moment, I am consumed by our heavy-headed fragrance, by our drenched bodies pressed together in a fervour that threatens to overtake my very being. _

_I never used to be so soppy, but I know now the difference between 'sex' and 'making love.' The first is just physical...the latter is emotional as well. _

_Before I know it, soft hands are brushing my face, my cheeks..._

_I'm crying. _

"_What's the matter?" Syed asks, worried._

_. _

_I'm choking but I'm smiling through the tears. I take one of his hands and press it against my lips, mumbling, "Sometimes I just can't believe I have you." _

_At that, my gorgeous man smiles, strokes my face lovingly and says, _

"_You do Clarkey. Forever and always." _

* * *

><p><strong>So what did you think?<strong>

**Feel free to leave a review :) **

**LOVE YOU GUYS xxxxxx**

**ps. OHMYGOSH...Children in Need :) How cute and epic were they? Might just have to write a fanfic that includes Syed on the piano and Christian in eyeliner...**

**Ohmygosh YES **

**xxxxxx**


	22. Chapter 21

**HEY GUYS! **

**How are you?**

**Yup, bit of a time-skip here (: **

**How are you guys faring without the beautiful Chryed on our TV screens? **

**Horrible, isn't it? **

**Here's something to cheer you up...**

**Or rather, this will probably become more depressing...but at least it Chryed! **

**(This is inspired by the whole "Christian touched me" lie that Ben said...but not really...but...you'll get it as you read! :P For the sake of this fic, Christian doesn't know Ben is gay. **

**Enjoy! **

**Xxxxxxxx**

* * *

><p><strong><span>A visitor<span> **

**Two months later **

"I'm gonna go out for a run," Christian informed Syed, kneeling over and tying his shoelaces.

"But you don't have a client!" Syed pouted.

"Well just because you want to let your body decline into a pool of lard doesn't mean I want to as well!" Christian winked. "Got to work to keep these babies." He flexed his muscles.

Syed scowled and laughed at the same time.

"Are you calling me fat?"

Christian raised his hands in the air. "Now where exactly did I say that?"

"Oh I don't know..."Syed shrugged. "Somewhere between you saying you were going out for a run, and calling me a declining pool of lard?"

"Well, I'm worried about you!" Christian never ceased teasing Syed, and his eyes lit up now as he took the opportunity. "There's only room enough for one Fatboy in Albert Square."

Syed grinned. "I think we '_worked out' _plenty enough, last night, hmm?" Mischief glittered in his eyes.

Christian laughed, tongue-tied, images of last night flooding into his brain.

"I'll see you soon, yeah?"

"Yeah," Syed nodded, reaching up and placing a quick peck on Christian's lips.

He was happy, he thought, as he watched Christian walk away. Happy with his life, which didn't happen all that often.

It had been a couple of months since his encounter with Steve Lewis. A couple of months since his boss had packed up and left, presumably afraid of being arrested for assaulting Syed. A couple of months since Syed had allowed himself to breath properly. There hadn't even been any drama with his family! Tam was still trying to track down Amira for him, with the rest of the Masood's completely oblivious.

Zainab seemed to be holding up suspiciously well for a recently divorced woman, and Syed couldn't help thinking it had something to do with the fact that creepy doctor Yusef had been 'looking after' his mother. Syed didn't have any reason to dislike the man, but he did. Yusef had been nothing but courteous to Syed, but he had to admit, he felt a pang of jealousy to see Yusef being admitted into his mother's home, when he, her own son, wasn't allowed to set foot in the place.

What was his mother so scared of? That he'd spread his homosexual disease to Kamil? Infect them with his poison...?

Syed shook his head. She'd practically said as much anyway.

No, there was no point in thinking about that. He was happy. As was his father, or at least, Syed assumed. He'd seen him around the square, talking happily with Jane.

Syed didn't wish to know the details, but he wasn't stupid. He knew better than anyone that you couldn't control who you fell in love with.

The doorbell rang. Syed rolled his eyes. No doubt Christian had forgotten something. He walked quickly to the corridor, surprised to find Christian standing there, about to open the door.

"Who is it?" Syed asked stupidly, as if Christian could see through the door.

Christian shrugged and pulled the door wide open.

"_Ben_?"

Ben Mitchell looked nervously from Christian to Syed, and hitched his glasses further up his nose. His free hand was clutching a plain black suitcase.

"Can I...come in?"

* * *

><p>"...and before I knew it, the police were on our doorstep, saying all these crazy things about my dad." Ben muttered.<p>

"Do you believe them?" Christian asked, slowly sitting down next to the fifteen year old boy

"I didn't, not at first...but then he looked at me and said he was sorry...that's when I knew it was true...You know what makes me so angry?"

"What?"

"That when I..." Ben licked his lips nervously. "When I told him I was gay, he was disgusted. He thought I was sick and perverted and wrong. And then...then he goes and does this...targets innocent people like Whitney...Lola, even. How am I going to face Lola again? She won't want to talk to me ever..." Ben buried his face in his hands.

Christian shook his head and wrapped one arm around Ben's shoulders, motioned at Syed with his head to go and get some tissues for the poor boy.

"Listen, it wasn't your fault..."

"But I'm one of them. I'm a Mitchell. I'm the son of the biggest pervert in town. Phil, my dad...I couldn't even face Shirley."

"Calm down," Christian murmured compassionately, grabbing a tissue from Syed's outstretched hand and offering it to Ben.

"Thanks," he blew his nose and then used the back of his sleeve to wipe the tears. "I just didn't know what to do, so I came here."

"You've got friends here, Ben. Hasn't he, Sye?"

Syed nodded, tight-lipped. "Can I just ask...?" Christian continued tentatively, exchanging a worried glance with Syed. "Who...who else came forward and spoke about Phil?"

"Just Whitney and Lola, I think," Ben said.

Inwardly, Christian breathed a sigh of relief. Lucy was in the clear...for now at least. Christian could still remember how angry he'd felt when he'd seen that Phil was taking advantage of his 'little girl' like that. They had removed all evidence and sent Lucy on her way home.

No. He wasn't Phil's biggest fan.

"I don't even think he's going to request bail," Ben sniffed. "And if he doesn't, I don't know how long he could be locked up for. Especially with his record. I couldn't...I couldn't stay here?" he asked.

"Here?" The word exploded from Syed before he could stop them and Ben flinched at the strength behind it.

"Yes, here," Christian soothed. "Sye...a word?"

They stepped into the kitchen and Christian eyed him suspiciously, angling his head ever so slightly to the right, something he did whenever he didn't understand what was going round in Syed's head.

"Okay...what is it?"

"Does he have to stay here?"

"For a short while...we can help him."

Syed shook his head. "I just...I don't really want him here."

"And I'm sure this isn't really what he had planned either, but..."

"Oh, are you sure?" Syed burst out bitterly.

Christian frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Oh nothing..."

"No..."Christian crossed the kitchen and took his arm. "What do you mean by that?"

"Just that..." Syed let out a low groan of frustration. "You've seen the way he looks at you!"

"Yeah..."Christian nodded. "Through _tears. _Sye, the boy needs a home!"

"Anywhere but here. He...he likes you, Clarkey."

There. He'd said it. He'd laid his fears out in front of Christian...his stupid, little insecurities.

Christian snorted.

"I think we should trust _my_ radar, shouldn't we? And I'm not picking anything up except you being unreasonable."

"But he..."

"Okay," Christian lowered his voice. "Let's run with this idea for a while, yeah?"

Syed scowled, annoyed at the way Christian was treating him...as if he were simply indulging in some child's fantasy; 'running with the idea.' Not believing him at all. "What makes you think that he bats for the other team, eh? And even if he did, what makes you think he would like me? I'm 24 years old than him!"

_Because the way he looks at you is the same way I do. He looks at you like he absolutely adores you. He follows you everywhere you go because he wants to be beside you, just like me. He does what I'd do in this situation. What I DID do when I couldn't have you... I'm telling you, that's what he wants...he wants you, _Syed thought. But how could he put that into words?

"I just...I just know," he said feebly.

"And I just know that you're being silly," Christian smiled, ruffling his hair affectionately. He planted a kiss on his forehead. "Now be nice."

Syed pouted. "Or what?"

"You know you're so sexy when you do that?"

"I wasn't trying to be!" Syed pouted harder, trying hard not to laugh. It didn't work. Seconds later they were laughing hysterically like little children. Syed grabbed Christian's hand.

"Fine, he can stay,"

"Thanks," Christian grinned. "It'll only be for a short while." He turned to go back to the living room, but Syed, still holding onto his hand, pulled him back abruptly.

"I love it when you call me sexy," he whispered, his breath tickling the back of Christian's neck.

"I love it that you love it," Christian grinned.

* * *

><p>Ben sat on the sofa silently, thinking about what had to be the worst day of his life.<p>

His father had just been taken to jail. His father had been taking indecent...naked pictures of girls and then selling them. His father...the man he'd looked up to in so many ways...

He hadn't spoken to anyone, not even Jay. He'd packed his things and run off. Christian had called Shirley and told her he was with him. He hadn't heard the entire conversation, but he'd gotten the idea that Shirley had agreed it was best for now.

He couldn't believe this had happened. On the bright side, he was here with Christian – the one guy that he liked more than anybody else.

Christian was just...perfect. His eyes, his smile, those arms...

Jogging and training with him in previous times, well, Ben had gotten the idea that Christian had some feelings for him. Maybe not very strong, but there had to be something there?

It was in the way Christian looked at him, and wanted to spend time with him. Wasn't it?

Okay, there was Syed but...

Ben's eyebrows knotted together in fury as he thought about Syed. 'Sye' as Christian liked to call him. Mr. Perfect. What did Christian even see in that man? All he talked about was 'Sye this...' 'Sye that...'

He wasn't that amazing. And anyway, he didn't understand Christian. Not like he did.

It was midnight but he still couldn't sleep, standing, he walked around the room, stretching his legs.

Syed was Muslim. He had awful long hair and too-white teeth and he was skinny. Almost non-existent compared to Christian's form. He didn't even _pretend _to be interested in Christian's sporting life, like he did. Why did Christian want him? Syed wasn't even..._that_ good looking.

No. Christian needed him, Ben, and he was going to ensure that happened.

His eyes drifted over to a picture on the fireplace and he crossed over to it and picked it up. It was a picture of Christian and Syed. A holiday snap, maybe? It certainly looked like it. A happy, close-up of both of the men, impossibly close.

Ben remembered how grumpy Christian was whenever he'd even had a slight argument with Syed. He remembered how Christian's face lit up whenever he spoke about him, and how, when they were in town, they held hands and looked at each other as if they were the only two people in the world. Ben remembered how he'd seen them kiss, Christian's beautiful mouth pressed against Syed's. He remembered how they looked at each other, held each other...

Who was he kidding?

They'd loved each other too.

Must've done.

Images entered Ben's mind unbidden. Christian and Syed together, in bed, removing their clothes. Christian...

Anger rose inside Ben, repugnant and impulsive, like bile, and fought its way out. He heard it first. Then he looked down in shock, as he saw the framed photo in his hands had smashed.

"Shit," he muttered, loosening his grip and kneeling, trying to collect the pieces of glass.

What would Christian say?

He hadn't meant to break it. He'd just been...

He scooped up the fragments in his hands and then went to the kitchen and threw them in the bin.

That was how he felt. Broken, incomplete, discarded.

He walked to the sofa and lay down again, shivering, trying not to think of Christian and Syed. Trying to think just about Christian. _Christian _hugging him, _Christian _kissing him, _Christian..._

One day it would happen. It would be even easier now that he'd moved in with them.

Syed need never find out.

* * *

><p><strong>Woo, the appearance of Ben Mitchell ;)<strong>

**Feel free to leave a review, long or short, good or bad :) Even if you're telling me it's crap, I'll work on it (: **

**Thank youuu **

**Xx**


	23. Chapter 22

**Heyyy guys! :D **

**Here is...chapter 22, as I'm sure you'll be glad to hear. Especially certain people who have been nagging me to finish the chapters, *cough* Clarkeyfangirl *cough* **

**Paha, love you all (: **

**Ps. You'll understand as you read on why the chapter is so called. Emphasis on the 'minor' ;)**

**Pps. Totally not scared of what everybody will think of these next two chapters...pft, not me! *goes and hides* :S **

**xxxxxx**

* * *

><p><strong>C<strong>**hapter 22 **

**A Minor Incident **

They lay so intertwined that neither man could tell where they stopped and the other began.

_But after all, _Syed thought, _isn't that how it's meant to be?_

Christian grinned hugely, as if he could tell what his partner was thinking. They held hands, fingers interlocked. He brought their foreheads together and looked into his fiancé's eyes, again feeling lucky for having him. Their lips brushed fleetingly and Christian smiled into the kiss, feeling the familiar warmth of Syed's breath against his cheek.

In all seriousness, what did the rest of the world matter when he held this man in his arms?

Syed propped himself up on elbow. He poked Christian lightly on his chest, but his eyes looked grave.

"Christian..."

Christian sensed the hesitation in his voice.

"What is it babe?"

"I am going...I've got to...As much as I love being here, with you, day in and day out...I need to get a _job_!"

"But why?" Christian made a face.

"You know you're turning into the over protective husband, right?" Syed chuckled. "One incident and I'm practically forbidden to go and work!"

Christian laughed. "I've been a little bit ridiculous, haven't I?"

"Just a little," Syed squeezed Christian's hand. "But I love you for it."

"I just get so worried..."

"Don't be. I've got you, haven't I?"

Christian responded by simply raising Syed's arm to his lips and kissing the soft skin on the back of his hand.

"Can't believe you haven't enjoyed being the domestic husband," he teased.

"I do, I just feel bad because you're doing all the work."

"You know I like spoiling you,"

Syed blew upwards at his fringe.

"I know," he grinned.

"You need to cut your hair," Christian nudged him with his shoulder.

"But I like it!" Syed was indignant. "Gives you something to hold on to," he added, winking.

"Syed, you bad boy!" Christian's hand trailed up and his thumb stroked Syed's full lips, the slight stubble on his jaw line, and the smooth outline of his cheek bones.

Syed's eyes locked with Christian's and no words were needed. They simply drank each other in wordlessly, tongues too thick with emotion to articulate, and besides, tongues that were sooner or later otherwise engaged, melting against each others', yearning for nothing more than the moment they were in.

A knock on the door. Syed pulled away reluctantly as Christian sighed and shifted in the bed.

"Come in!"

It was Ben. The teenage boy had been staying with the two men ever since his dad, Phil Mitchell, had been banged up in prison for taking indecent photographs of teenage girls.

"What do you want Ben?" Syed could tell from Christian's voice that he was itching to continue where they'd left off, and he smirked and squeezed Christian's hand under the quilt, urging him to be patient.

"I can't...sleep."

"You can't sleep?" Christian raised his eyebrows in the semi darkness. "How old _are _you?"

The boy looked extremely embarrassed and he looked down at his feet, with the air of a scorned puppy.

Christian's compassionate side won over.

"Come on," he sighed, swinging his legs out of the bed, and winking at Syed over his shoulder. "Back in a minute."

**Half an hour later...**

"I know it sounds really stupid, but I just kept having nightmares about Dad," Ben mumbled.

"Hey Ben," Christian soothed, patting his hand gently. "It's okay to be frightened."

"I...I'm not!" Ben said indignantly. "I just...I just couldn't sleep."

"Are you guys alright?"

Christian turned to see Syed standing in the doorway.

"Yeah sure babe...you're not asleep?"

"Well," Syed looked slightly peeved. "You did say you'd only be a minute..." he suddenly trailed off, looking towards the fireplace. "What happened to our picture?"

"What do you me...?" Christian raised his eyebrows as he saw the frame that Ben has hastily replaced on the fireplace. No amount of rearranging could hide the fact that it had been smashed. "It's broken! Since when?"

"Since last night apparently," Syed stared pointedly at Ben.

"I...I didn't mean to," Ben gabbled. "I was up cause I couldn't sleep...I just wanted to look at it...it's a nice photo..."

"Yeah, it was," Syed scowled.

Christian shot Syed a placating look. "It still is; we just need to get the glass replaced. I'll pop to the shops tomorrow."

Syed consented.

"Well I'm going upstairs if you want to join me."

"Give me a minute."

A flicker of annoyance crossed Syed's eyes and Christian wondered fleetingly what was wrong with him. Probably just tired. Everybody knew how Syed loved his sleep.

As Syed turned and made his way up the stairs, Christian winked jokingly at Ben.

"Don't mind him. He's a big softie really! Likes his beauty sleep."

Ben laughed lightly and looked at Christian, unable to avert his gaze. For a second, warning bells flashed in Christian's mind, and Syed's words from earlier came flooding back:

_He likes you, Clarkey!_

He'd dismissed this as Syed being paranoid. If there was one thing that still lingered from the 'incident' - it was paranoia.

Syed didn't like to show it, but Christian knew that Sye sometimes felt uncomfortable going outside late, on his own. Especially now as it was winter and it got dark so early.

Christian knew that he wasn't excused from unwelcome bouts of paranoia either. He was scared of losing Sye...was that so wrong?

But now...what if Syed had been right? Sometimes, when Ben looked at him, it mirrored the way Syed used to, during the days of relentless insistence that what they did was "_wrong," "Sick," "Against Allah's will." _

Christian smiled wryly to himself as he remembered the words that had scythed through him just a year ago, words that still hurt if he allowed himself to dwell on them for too long: "_I'm a good Muslim boy." _

Ben's eyes mirrored Syed's all those months ago, where Sye had wanted him so badly that Christian might as well have been reading the word _'lust'_ in a thought bubble above his head.

And he couldn't mistake that look; the wide eyes darting from side to side, searching for something, _anything, _craving attention, longing to be touched...

Christian coughed and looked away. What the hell was he doing? Of course Ben didn't have feelings for him. Of course not. First of all, he didn't like men. No way. He'd seen how Ben acted around Lola, how his face had crumpled at the thought of her never wanting to see him again. Second of all, he was the son of Walford's biggest tough nut, and thirdly, even if he did, he was so much older than the kid.

Besides, his radar was proven to work. Ben, from what Christian had seen of him, wasn't even stereotypically camp. He wasn't flamboyant, he didn't flaunt. He was quiet, reserved, and had a keen interest in running, boxing; competitive and violent sports.

Or maybe just a keen interest in _him?_

Don't be ridiculous, Christian reprimanded himself. All he was doing by even thinking he saw something in Ben's eyes, was wrong, sick, and probably perverted considering that Ben was a minor. Nope, such thoughts would never do.

Christian rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"I think it's time we went to bed, don't you?" he stretched, standing slowly.

Ben nodded, and as Christian turned to leave, added,

"Sorry about the photo,"

"That's alright. Don't worry about it." Christian sighed. "Ben, can I ask you something? You're not...? I mean, you're only 15, but that's old enough...to know what you want...when...even though..." Christian hesitated.

"Yes?" Ben's eyes were wide in anticipation.

Christian shook his head. Who was he kidding? The kid had no idea what he was getting at. He yawned. That had to be why these thoughts were flying through his mind...he was tired.

"Nothing...goodnight."

Ben seemed disappointed, but he smiled as he replied,

"Night,"

* * *

><p>Ben didn't sleep for the rest of the night; his mind was too busy racing, and his heart was too busy thudding. It was almost as if he'd been training with the punch bags that Christian held for him on Saturdays, or as if he'd run miles and miles without stopping for breath.<p>

As if he'd been an Olympic swimmer, under the water for two long, or a hurdler straining every part of his body for one last jump.

And he'd passed one hurdle...staying up late with Christian.

The lies. The complaints of 'I couldn't sleep,' had paid off...at least, just for those few until Syed had turned up.

Christian was beautiful. It was torture to with restrain himself from reaching out, from silencing him by placing his own lips on Christian's perfect ones, but somehow, Ben realised, he'd rather torture himself than not see the man at all.

Age didn't matter when it came to love. Because that was what this was. It wasn't some crush. It _wasn't. _

Christian had said he was old enough to know what he wanted. Did he know about his feelings for him? It had sounded like it.

Was that Christian's subtle way of saying the feelings were mutual?

Ben thought back to the words, smiling.

'_Ben, can I ask you something?'_

Yes, ask me Christian. Of course you can. The answer's yes. The answer's always been yes.

'_I mean, you're only 15, but that's old enough...'_

I know! You're only a little bit older than me. I'm old enough to be with you Christian...

' _...to know what you want...'_

'_...when...'_

'_...even though...'_

Of course I know what I want. I want you.

Now_. _

Yes, even though you're engaged.

For a second, Ben had thought Christian had been THAT close to revealing his secret. He'd been scared at the time, but now he realised how disappointed he was. If Christian acknowledged his sexuality, then maybe they'd have a chance.

For now, he was just going to have to keep coming up with lies to spend more time with Christian...

* * *

><p><strong>*Resurfaces from imaginary hiding place*<strong>

**Thanks for reading! **

**By the way, if you want to leave a review, could you please sign in before, otherwise I can't reply to your comment and I like to thank people! :D **

***Hides again***

**Xxxxxxxx**


	24. Chapter 23

**Under the sheets, Under the weather **

"I love you," Syed whispered, his face buried within the curve of Christian's neck, his arms wrapped around his body.

He'd said it so many times, but he never tired of saying it.

_I love you, I love you..._

"I love you too," Christian murmured back, his hands caressing the caramel coloured skin on Syed's back, then making their way to the front, circling the small hairs on his chest, then allowing his fingers to rest gently on Syed's neck. He could feel Syed's pulse beneath his fingers.

_Thud, thud, thud..._

The heart was a complicated thing, Christian reflected. Most people believed it just pumped blood around the body...provided you with oxygen.

He remembered the years he'd spent at school, sitting in some boiling classroom during biology, learning about the functions of the heart, when all he'd wanted to do was to go out for games with Mr. Huxley.

Another one of his so-called 'loves,' Mr. Huxley had just been another one of the pointless crushes he'd filled his life with until he'd met Syed, who had captured him with just one smile...then there was no going back.

Point was, science didn't know everything. It could explain the heart's biological function, yes, but not why it was so connected to your feelings. Not why it thudded every time Sye looked at him a particular way...why it felt like it was going to break when Sye was angry, hurt, or just disappointed with him.

No, Christian realised suddenly:

Science knew nothing, because love was everything.

"...to a word I'm saying, are you?" Syed's indignant voice brought Christian back to reality. Not that it was a bad place to be.

"Wha...of course I was listening,"

"Oh yeah, then what did I say?"

"You said...well, you said..."

"Hah!" Syed said, his eyes glittering in triumph.

"Oh shut up, you," Christian grinned, bringing his neck down for a quick peck against Syed's lips.

Syed laughed.

"Well I was _saying,_" Syed smiled, "That I've got an interview at _Booty's _tomorrow..._don't _say anything," he laughed, trying to fix Christian with a stern glare.

If anybody was going to make a pun about the beauty salon's name, it was going to be Christian.

"I wasn't going to say a word," Christian said sombrely, but his eyes were bright with mischief.

"Anyway," Syed continued, "It's with Tan. So I've got my hopes up."

"Babes, that's great, buuut..."

"What?"

"Well, you're Mr. Big-Shot, aren't you? You're so ambitious. You've got _dreams_."

"So have you," Syed said. "You're going to be a husband, a father..."

Christian grinned hugely at those words.

"I know, but let's face it – I was always destined to be the more domestic out of us two. When you first came to Walford...hell Syed, you were a business man."

"A sham," Syed reminded him.

"But one nonetheless," Christian insisted. "Point is; you can go further than a little job at a beauty salon. You can aim higher,"

"How?" Syed frowned.

"Use this," Christian tapped Syed forehead lightly. "I know you; you can think of something,"

"Well..."

Christian smiled to himself as he saw the cogs turning in Syed's head, and saw his eyebrows knotting furiously. He was always extremely turned on when Syed had his 'thinking face' on.

"...I suppose I _could _rent out one of her rooms instead? Start my own business?"

"There you go!" Christian beamed, "Knew you'd think of something!" He was careful to keep his voice even, with just the right amount of excitement so that Syed would just think he was happy for him...not extremely turned on too.

Syed shifted in the bed, his eyes growing more animated as he turned the idea over in his mind. "I could...set up a massage business!"

"And what do you know about massaging?"

"Well, you never seem to complain," Syed shot back.

"Touché," Christian murmured, softly stroking Syed's back and shuffling closer. "Go on then; show me."

It was then that Syed looked into his fiancé's eyes and saw the stark wantonness shining through, then that his hand, which had been resting innocently under the quilt, brushed against the excited bulge hidden below...then and only then that he realised exactly what Christian wanted.

And damn it, he was going to make him wait.

"Show you what?" Syed asked nonchalantly.

Christian rolled his eyes, inching ever so closer again.

"Go on, my masseuse, masseur, massage therapist...whatever it is, work your magic." Christian's voice was reduced to no less than a growl, as he pressed up against Syed. His eyes fluttered closed and he moaned gently, as he felt himself hardening through the thin material of his boxers. He rubbed himself against Syed' leg insistently, gently up and down, feeling the heat and friction. Soft moans escaped his lips as he felt Syed harden with him.

"Behave yourself!" Syed teased, shuffling away and creating distance between them on the bed. Christian met him with imploring eyes.

"Come on Sye!" he begged.

Syed chuckled. Christian was often the domineering one; he knew what he wanted and he took it – not that he, Syed, ever objected! But still, it was fun to tease Christian. Fun to be in control.

"Give me a minute," he winked, sliding out of the bed and laughing to himself as he heard Christian groan in frustration.

* * *

><p>He returned grinning wickedly, holding something small in his hands.<p>

"What's that?" Christian grumbled. He was lying on his back, his head supported on his hands, staring at the ceiling and no doubt grumpy because Syed had left him for five minutes while he was still fully turned on.

"Now don't be a baby," Syed soothed, climbing back onto the bed and showing him the small tube. "It's cocoa butter...if I'm going to open my own massage business, I need to practice properly, now don't I? Now let's see..." he turned the lotion on its side and read the instructions, "_Good for therapeutic use and skin treatment_...blah blah blah..._will leave you feeling soft and silky smooth_..." Syed looked up, catching Christian's eyes as he said the words in a carefree manner, forcing himself not to laugh as he saw the desperation in his partner's eyes. "_Faint aroma of chocolate..._" He pressed his lips together and closed his eyes, as if at the height of sexual pleasure. "Mmm..."

"Give over!" Christian laughed, but there was no hiding the plea in his voice.

Syed ignored him. "_For more effective use, should be used on small areas only_...wonder what they mean by that eh?"

Christian couldn't reply, for fear of stuttering like an idiot. His tongue was too thick with emotion, and his heart thudding to loudly to offer any form of response. He could only lie there helplessly as Syed crawled over to him, flung the quilt off his body and flicked his eyes over him carelessly, in the sort of way that made Christian's groin stir and ache with something he couldn't quite fully control...

"_Small areas only..." _Syed repeated. "Well, for starters, you might want to remove those if we're going to get anywhere near these '_small areas," _he whispered, eyeing Christian's underwear.

Christian didn't take his eyes off Syed as he slid the underwear down Christian's legs, leaned over and raised his t-shirt over his head.

"On your front," Syed commanded.

Christian obeyed, his breath ragged with excitement. This was new...something they'd never done before, and Christian was both terrified and thrilled at the thought of the new experience.

The latter was definitely winning, if the sensation down below had anything to do with it.

"Oh, and in answer to your previous question..." Syed said silkily. Christian felt an involuntary shiver go through him as he heard the sound of the lotion's lip popping, and thick liquid spurt onto Syed's hands.

Syed straddled Christian's back and leant down so close that his lips brushed Christian's ear. "I prefer the term '_masseuse.'_"

Christian groaned loudly into the pillow.

"What do you do to me?" he muttered.

"Anything you like," Syed said sincerely, his lips never leaving Christian's side. Instead, they gently nibbled Christian's ear, taking the soft flesh into his mouth, gently sucking and coating it with wetness...

"Then do me," Christian begged. "Just do me now."

Syed pulled away. "All in good time. Now lay still and be a good client. Yes?"

He laughed again as Christian's response was muffled by the cushion. Good job, too. "Right, well you wanted me to show you what I'd do, right?" He shuffled slightly, getting comfortable, and then he slapped his palms together and rubbed in the lotion.

"Well first of all I'd start by putting my hands just around..._here," Syed_ said, his hands rubbing gentle circles on Christian's slightly tanned back, between his shoulder blades, feeling satisfied as he felt Christian relax beneath him.

"Feels so good..." Christian expelled a breath of air.

Syed chuckled as his hands started to apply more pressure, to knead the skin below.

"I'm glad," he murmured. He added more of the oily liquid to Christian's back and continued massaging, running his fingers along Christian's neck, down his spine and then onto his lower back.

For Christian, just the feel of Syed's hot fingers and the cool liquid squirted onto his back was enough to make him bite his lip and fight desperately for control.

"You're just doing this on purpose aren't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Syed grinned, and at that precise moment chose to circle his thumbs on Christian's ass, focusing on the left side first. "You've definitely built up some erm...tension down there," he teased.

Christian breathed out slowly, trying to think about anything else but how good Syed's hands felt all over him but most of all, just...there.

"_Sye..." _he groaned. "Please."

They both knew what he wanted. They both knew how easy it would be for Syed to move his hands a little bit more to the right and give Christian the release that he so desperately needed.

To Christian's annoyance, Syed simply moved too far right and started massaging his right buttock instead.

"Syed!"

"Oh shhh," Syed soothed. "You know you love it!" He laughed out loud as he saw Christian flop his head down into the pillow in a sign of surrender. "Oh go on then...turn over."

As he did, Syed couldn't help himself. He grabbed the bottle and squeezed it slowly, unable to contain his delight as he watched it land, white and sticky, across Christian's chest and dribbled down to his abdomen.

He reached down and kissed Christian for the first time since this whole teasing charade. Fireworks exploded behind his eyes as they melted into the kiss, into each other, and his hands reached up into Christian's hair, as Christian's reached down and tugged impatiently at his shorts.

Syed pulled away, gasping for air.

"Patience is a virtue," he reminded.

"The only thing I want is you!" Christian pointed out, flinging Syed's shorts to the ground.

Syed's hands once again made smooth circles across Christian's skin, his own breath hitching at the skin contact, made easier, not hindered, by the warm, slick fluid.

"Imagine this with _real _massage oil," Syed piped up.

"Euurgh," Christian muttered, "I don't actually think I can take this any longer, Sye..."

Syed took the opportunity to take a peek glance at Christian's cock, which was looking deliciously full, hard, and even better, open and ready for him to do exactly as he pleased with it.

Syed brought his fingers down to touch the sensitive head, and Christian writhed below him.

"You're so impatient today," Syed tutted, watching Christian squirm and loving each second of it. "And you're making a mess of the sheets,"

"Trust me when I say that if you don't get a move on, the sheets will be in a much bigger mess!"

Syed chuckled, but, wanting to tease Christian for slightly longer, lowered himself onto him and rained kisses along the side of his face, neck, chest, while his fingers slowly stroked Christian's body.

Christian returned the kiss with equal enthusiasm, his tongue slipping over and around Syed's, pushing itself to the back of his throat, and his own hands sliding down Syed's back, and cupping the soft flesh of Syed's ass.

Once again, it was Syed who pulled away first and instead, sucked and tugged at the side of Christian's neck.

"You know what?" Christian growled. "I've never met anyone who's turned me on faster and as amazingly as you do, Syed Masood."

"That's because you've never met anyone like me," Syed said briefly, before continuing his work on Christian's neck.

"And I never will," Christian said seriously. "Right, that's it..." He grabbed a hold of Syed and placed him on his back, straddling his waist. "This is the good thing about being stronger than you."

"Oh shut up," Syed said, trying hard to look peeved at the fact Christian was now in charged.

Christian locked eyes with him.

"Make me,"

And then their lips were crushed against each other's again, as Christian placed Syed's legs on his own shoulders and teased his cock towards Syed's ass.

"I love you,"

"I love..._aaooo," _

Christian laughed at the complete look of shock on Syed's face.

"What was that?"

"I sneezed," Syed said looking severely pissed off. He tried again. "I _aaooo..._love you," he said, looking up sheepishly at Christian.

"You're coming down with something, aren't you?"

"No. Swear I'm not. Come on Christian, don't stop now, we're so _close," _he sniffed.

"You _are_ aren't you?" Christian looked at him suspiciously. He'd been with the man long enough to know when he was falling ill.

"Come on, Christian!"

"Wow, look how the tables have turned," Christian whistled. "Sye, I'm not having sex with you if you're ill!"

"I'm not...I'm not!" Syed sniffed again. Then he sneezed. Then he pouted. "This is going to be good practice for our wedding vows...or civil ceremony...or whatever they like to call it for us gays. Y'know, you've got to accept me for better or worse, in life and in death, in _sickness,_" Syed stressed. "And in health...something like that anyway."

A huge grin split Christian's face in half.

"I take you, Syed Masood," he whispered, "To be my beloved husband, to have and to hold you, to honour you, to treasure you, to be at your side in sorrow and in joy, in the good times and bad, to love and cherish always, in sickness and in health, and, in forsaking all others, keep only unto you, as long as we both shall live...I do. Honestly, I'm going to be here through everything. But being here doesn't mean we should both fall sick. Who would look after you then?"

But Syed, who had stopped listening after '_as long as we both shall live...' _looked touched as he said, "How do you know all that?"

"After I proposed to you, I looked it up," Christian admitted. "I even started writing my own vows..."

"And then I messed it up," Syed muttered quietly.

"Hey," Christian raised his chin and forced Syed to look at him. "You couldn't know what was going to happen."

"I know but..."

"No buts," Christian whispered, "We'll do this...when _you're _ready. But in the meantime, you need to get better. Can't have you feeling under the weather now, can we?" He planted a quick kiss on Syed's lips, and then sighed as he looked him up and down. "Better get these clothes back on, hadn't we?"

"I'm sorry,"

"Stop apologising!" Christian shook his head. If Syed wasn't apologising to his family for being gay, he was apologising to his parents for leaving them, or apologising to Christian for something he had no control over – being assaulted, being ill...it didn't matter. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And it drove Christian nuts. Fortunately, it was another one of those things he found endearing.

"Sorry," Syed said, and then he burst out laughing. "I honestly didn't mean to do that."

"Never apologise for being you," Christian said gently. "Because I don't know what I'd do without you." A moment of comfortable silence passed between them, which Christian broke suddenly by saying, with a very rueful expression on his face. "Come on then...clothes."

* * *

><p><strong>Honestly too tired to write a AN**

**And I was gunna add another chapter, but I'm too tired to do that too, so, this will have to do :P **

**Sorry if you're disappointed that Chryed didn't get to have their 'fun time' ;) Still, you can always re-read chapter 19. Or was it 20? I forget xD**

**How are you lovely people? xD **

**MirrorSlash**

**HAHA, I've just realised my pen name has 'slash' in it. How apt, yet actually not deliberate! **

**xxxxx**


	25. Chapter 24

**Chapter 23 **

**So, I have a very rough idea in my mind.**

**So we'll see how it goes **

**MirrorSlash **

**^ Still LOLLING at the accidental 'Slash' xD **

**Hmmmmmmmm (: Enjoy! **

**Xxxxxxxxx**

* * *

><p><strong>Chicken Soup <strong>

"You're not drinking it!"

"It's hot!" Syed moaned indignantly.

"Honestly Sye! Go on – open up."

Christian watched approvingly as Syed feebly parted his lips and sipped some of the hot liquid in the Styrofoam cup. He saw Syed's face relax in contentment.

"Mm, it's good."

"Told ya!" Christian laughed. "Must have learnt something working at Masala Queen after all!" he winked. "Actually...it's an old family recipe. You know what they say!"

"Mother knows best," Syed said ruefully, clasping the cup between his hands and allowing its warmth to spread through the tips of his fingers and through his whole body.

Christian immediately even regretted mentioning families. As much as he tried to put a brave face on, Christian knew how much Syed still cared for his parents – the hurt look on Syed's face every time they brushed past him in the market, or turned away in the square, angered him. He may not have had the closest relationship with his parents, but it was beyond him how two people could disregard their own flesh and blood in such a sickening way.

Syed was strong though. No matter how many times his parents had shown – or even said – that they hated him, the flicker of hope in his eyes never faded. Somehow, deep down, after everything they'd done, he truly believed that they'd come round some day.

_Why is it like that? _Christian wondered. _Why are we programmed to love certain people unconditionally? And, even after they hurt us, we're still willing to go back to them time and time again..._

It was a question he'd asked himself time and time again over the previous years. Once again, no answer decided to appear in his mind, and so he sighed heavily, bent over and kissed Syed gently on the forehead.

"Get some rest – go to sleep."

"I'm not tired,"

"You really are a whiny little kid, aren't you?"

"I'm ill!"

"Or was that just your way of saying you weren't up for it last night?" Christian teased.

"Give over," Syed rolled his eyes. "Ugh, I don't have time to be ill! I wanted to go out today..." He let of a groan of frustration and attempted to get out of the bed. He ended up collapsing weakly against the pillows and fluttering his eyes shut. "There's – no – time-"

"Just like your mother!" Christian burst out laughing. "Stubborn as always – must run in the Masood bloodline."

Syed was silent.

"I'm sorry!" He was immediately contrite. "Don't know what's wrong with me – I keep landing my foot in it today!"

But Syed didn't reply. He was fast asleep.

* * *

><p><em>Ben snuck into the room quietly. The lights were off and the house was hushed. Syed had gone out – job hunting, presumably, and Christian had left a few minutes ago; Ben had heard the front door slam. <em>

_He'd tried to stay away, honestly, he had. He'd sat downstairs and attempted to watch some TV. But today the plots of the daytime soaps seemed particularly dull, nonsensical...pathetic, even. The omnibuses were overdramatic, the day time television was dreary at best, and even the cartoons were cerebrally challenging. _

_He'd attempted some homework...but the monotone of everyday life couldn't compare to what was waiting upstairs...and so he'd given in. It was risky, yes, but it would calm him down after all he'd been through. It would get rid of the stress and all that sexual tension he'd had brewing inside him since day one of stepping into the Masood-Clark household. _

_And nobody was in the house. Perfect opportunity to...erm, unwind, Ben thought to himself, blushing hugely. _

_He glanced around the room quickly. It was their bedroom. He'd never seen it before. There were two mirrors, (Ben wouldn't have been surprised if he'd discovered they were both for Christian. If the man had a flaw, it would've been that he was a little vain) red plush carpet, white walls, medium sized wardrobes and wooden cupboards, a large and messy double bed, and a door that led to the ensuite. _

_Very nice. _

_He made his way over to the cupboards in the corner and wasted no time sliding open a drawer. _

_Socks. _

_He shook his head, irritated, and tried the one above it. _

"_Bingo," he mouthed, reaching in and pulling out the flimsy material and stretching it's waistband. Definitely Christian's. Syed had a much slimmer form. _

_The boxers that Ben was holding were pure white. The thought of Christian wearing them, the very material he held in his hands, clinging to Christian's behind, or loosely brushing itself against Christian's cock made Ben's own twitch expectantly. _

_He checked behind him at the door. Nobody was there. _

_He wasted no time in reaching into his trousers, his fingers diving into the depths of his own underwear, and holding his hardening self gently. With his other hand, he brought the boxers to his face, breathing in deeply. He parted his lips and allowed a quiet moan to escape them, a combination of pleasuring himself, and Christian's aroma encircling him. _

_He'd never – never done this before. Not with anyone. Not even to himself – ever. He'd never felt the need to, but then Christian had come into his life and all his beliefs and morals had completely flown out the window. His head swam with confusion and butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he realised that what he was doing was so completely wrong. _

_So why did it feel so right? Presently, he allowed his hands to reach down further, gasping out loud as he reached the head, stroking it again and inhaling deeply. _

_Experimentation, that's what it was. It didn't mean he was gay. Not really. Didn't everyone try this at one point in their life?_

_Holding Christian's clothing – his underwear no less – felt amazing. It was almost as if he was there with him. Staring at him intently with those emerald eyes, his strong arms around him and holding him tightly, the strong yet subtle smell of his sweat, aftershave, shampoo...all the things that made him Christian...it felt as if it was all there. _

_Ben closed his eyes and images of Christian invaded the floor of his mind. Christian smiling, Christian laughing, Christian winking...Christian's mouth, his arms, his body..._

_Ben's eyes flew open in pleasant surprise as he felt the wet drop of pre-cum on his fingers. And he almost laughed to himself. Only Christian could do this to him – this fast, anyway._

_He allowed himself to relax as his hands began to move up and down the length, and as his fingers pressed, caressed and explored. He felt as if he was getting to know himself – and Christian. _

_His breathing became louder, more erratic, heightening with pleasure at the thought of Christian there with him, building up to an orgasm with him, screaming his name..._

"_Ben! What the hell are you doing?"_

_Ben jumped and turned, seeing Christian standing a little way behind him. Shit, how long had Christian been there? How much had he seen? _

_Ben realised he was still holding Christian's boxers to his face, and his hands were still below the waistband of his trousers. _

_It was exactly what it looked like. _

_He released the item of clothing hotly and it fell to the ground with a thud. Quickly, he pulled his trousers up properly. _

_How could he explain this?_

"_Ben...?" Christian looked confused and angry at the same time. "I just popped out for ten minutes and you're...I mean, you were...?" He shook his head. "With Sye in the same room?"_

_At that exact moment, what Ben had earlier presumed was a pile of messy clothing on the bed, decided to move and turn onto its side. Ben realised too late, in horror, that it was Syed. He gulped, holding his breath as Syed stretched, mumbled incoherently and opened his eyes. _

_The first thing he saw was Ben. _

"_What are you doing here?" he spoke angrily. _

"_I thought you'd gone out," Ben said honestly. _

"_Ben – get out now," Christian angled his head towards the door. _

"_What's going on?" Syed asked, struggling to sit up. _

_Ben widened his eyes and shook his head pleadingly at Christian, who sighed and muttered, "A slight misunderstanding, that's all. Come on Ben." _

_Syed raised his eyebrows as he saw the white fabric on the floor next to Ben's feet. _

"_Was he holding your underwear?" he spoke incredulously. _

"_Don't be silly, of course not," Christian said, glaring at Ben. _

"_No," the boy said hurriedly, making his way out of the room. _

"_I just went to the shops," Christian said, "Brought back dinner. I'll go fix it up yeah?"_

_The second he left, Christian walked across the landing and gripped Ben's arm tightly. _

"_You made me lie to him," he whispered fiercely. _

"_I...I'm sorry." _

"_You were doing what I thought you were, weren't you? Over my things...? Ben, we need to talk," _

_Ben struggled. "Let go of me!"_

"_What's going on?"_

_Both of them whipped around to see Sye with the strangest look on his face. _

"_Why are you holding him?"_

_Christian dropped his hand to his side. _

"_Don't worry about anything Syed. We were just talking." _

"_Yeah," Ben laughed, "Just talking." _

_Syed narrowed his eyes. "I must still be feeling funny..." and he shuffled back into the bedroom. _


	26. Chapter 25

**Chapter 24 **

**I think before you guys all read this that we should make one thing clear...**

**Under no circumstance are you guys allowed to hate me...firstly, understand it wasn't meant to turn out like this, however, my ideas just ran away with me and onto the paper and this is the finished product ;) **

**Also, a few lines spoken by Christian and Syed were lifted from actual Eastenders episodes (I'm sure you'll recognise them.) **

**MirrorSlash **

* * *

><p><strong>Nothing <strong>

"I'm sorry I made you lie to Syed. I'm sorry I made such an idiot out of myself."

Christian shook his head sympathetically. "I do remember what it felt like to be fifteen Ben, and it must be even more confusing for you – you haven't even come out yet. Ben, it's alright you know. There's people that will help you. I'm here for you, but don't you EVER pull something like that again."

Ben opened his mouth to speak but Christian canon-balled on:

"I mean it. I know it must be really confusing for you now. Your hormones are all over the place. I mean, it's only natural that you want to be...well, trying new things. It's natural that you're thinking about sex all the time, cause trust me when I say, that's what teenagers do! ... In fact, I don't think you ever grow out of it."

Ben blushed furiously. He didn't want Christian to see him as just another horny teenager. But what could he say?

"It'll get better. You've made a mistake and you'll learn from it. That's clever – I don't think you're an idiot at all!"

Ben brightened.

"You don't?" Perhaps he had a chance after all. "Good," he mumbled to himself.

"Of course not. Ben, when you find someone, you'll realise how special they are, and that you've got to treat them with respect. There are much better ways of getting someone than sneaking around their underwear drawer. Trust me, in most instances, you're more likely to get slapped," Christian laughed.

Ben laughed too.

"I get you," he said. "You're saying, that rather than going behind your back, I should have tried something a little more like this...?"

He closed his eyes, pursed his lips and leaned forward, but the kiss never came.

"_What _is going on here?" Syed snapped for the third time that day. He saw what seemed to be the two men about to kiss each other...or rather, pulling away from a kiss? Syed paled in horror, then anger flashed in his eyes as he turned and ran away.

"Sye..." Christian let out a frustrated gasp. "Sye..." He stood up and ran after him. He'd only reached the top of the stairs when he heard the front door slam.

"What did you think you were doing!" he yelled at Ben, who had followed him out.

"I..." Ben shook his head, confused. "I'm sorry."

"Look at what you've done. Now he thinks..." Christian trailed off and sprinted down the stairs and out of the front door, in pursuit of Syed.

* * *

><p>"Syed! Syed! Come on – look, it's not what you think."<p>

Syed stopped in the middle of the market and turned to glare at Christian. "Not what I think? Do you think I'm stupid or something? I know what I saw!"

"What you saw...was nothing!" Christian saw Syed waver and took the opportunity to take a step forward. "You know I wouldn't do something like that."

"I thought I knew," Syed nodded slowly. "But that stunt you pulled with Roxy the other week...now I'm not so sure."

Christian squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, steadying himself. "I was drunk! Look, I've said I'm sorry so many times. Do you really think I'd jeopardise our relationship again?"

"I don't know," Syed admitted quietly. "I don't know!" he yelled, rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand tiredly. "I don't even know if I can trust you anymore."

"Sye, you're being ridiculous. _He_ tried to kiss _me_...you know what? Forget it. You're never going to believe me, are you? Because I always come last to you."

"How can you say that?" Syed stared at him, shocked.

"The feelings of your family always come before mine."

"Oh, this again!" Syed yelled, "You know what your problem is? You're too insecure."

"Maybe that's because you always doubt me!" Christian shouted, his words tripping over themselves in an effort to be heard. They were still standing a long way from each other, and Christian chose now to close down the gap so that they were an arm's length from each other.

"Maybe...it's because you never listen to me?" he suggested again. "Maybe it's because you're always too ready to think the worst of me. Why is that, eh?" He lowered his voice so that only the two of them could hear. "Why can't you believe me when I tell you – he came onto me?"

Syed shook his head venomously. "That's not what I saw."

Annoyance rose in Christian's voice again.

"And what exactly was it that you saw Sye? Hmm?"

Syed looked down hesitantly and Christian spoke triumphantly, "Exactly. You saw nothing, because nothing happened!" he pleaded. "And nothing was going to happen either."

"But everything else...when he was in our room when I woke up?" Syed's voice was hushed, grieved. "When I came out and you were there...just standing over him?"

Christian laughed humourlessly. "So you thought there was more than that one moment on the sofa?" He shook his head in disbelief. How could Syed even _think _something had been going on?

Admittedly he'd made a mistake – a terrible, unforgivable mistake with Roxy...but this? The idea was laughable. Why couldn't Syed see that? Christian wished he had the eloquence to voice his thoughts to Syed. Instead, his voice twisted in a sneer as he spat out: "Admit it...you thought I'd touched him too."

Syed's eyes rose to meet his now, and clear hurt and pure disbelief rang out in his words.

"Of course not."

"I saw it in your eyes...I saw doubt."

Syed shook his head, flustered. "I...what I saw...I mean, what I _thought _I'd seen, and all the events leading up to it...Christian I was shocked. I know you wouldn't do something like that!"

Christian laughed again, and his green eyes glittered with anger.

"No, just admit it, Sye. You saw that scene and your first reaction was to be angry, to doubt me, to run away...If it had been the other way round...you'd better believe that if I'd seen what you thought you saw, I would've asked you first. I would've sat down and talked with you because I _love _you. But no, you saw that and your first thought was '_I wonder where he touched him exactly?'_"

Syed's mouth dropped open as he reeled from the verbal abuse.

He could feel the pressure of everybody's eyes on him, the pressure of their argument, and whatever winter bug he'd come down with, because suddenly he felt light-headed and nauseas. Worse still though, was the pressure from the anger of Christian's words and the way that the man was still staring at him, furious, and apparently not even regretting his accusation.

"_Don't be so disgusting!" _he screamed.

"Well, it's true isn't it?"

"Christian, you're being ridiculous," but all the fight had gone out of Syed's face and body. He felt lifeless. Numb.

Christian's body deflated with a heavy sigh and he turned to look around the market. He recognised each pair of eyes staring at them and he licked his lips nervously.

"Come on- let's go inside and discuss this," he went to gently take hold of Syed's arm, but he pulled away from him, evidently still angry. It was as if a spark had been relit and Christian found new energy to throw Syed's way.

"There you go again! Pulling away, running away, doubting me..."

Syed shook with anger. "Well who can blame me when my boyfriend's been checking out the Junior Squad?"

Christian's own gasp was barely audible above the collective gasp of the audience around them, but Syed heard it. Instantly, tears welled in his eyes and he looked away, not daring to face the look of shock and hurt he knew would be on Christian's face.

"I hope you meant that," Christian whispered.

Syed shook his head helplessly and tried to say something, but he couldn't speak above the huge lump that had risen in his throat. He bowed his head as the tears fell and splashed on the pavement below.

"Alright, run along. You've had your show!" Christian spoke to the small crowd. "There's nothing more to see here!" he shouted. Then he turned to glance at Syed one last time and shook his head pityingly. "Absolutely nothing," he whispered.


	27. Chapter 26

**Chapter 25 **

**So, erm...this is set 3 weeks after the last chapter **

**This is a really short chapter to provide a quick glimpse into what Syed is thinking. Amira hasn't appeared btw **

**The next chapter is from Christian. **

**Enjoy **

**MirrorSlash**

**xxxxxx**

* * *

><p><strong>SYED <strong>

_It's been three weeks since the man of my dreams left me. Three months since he held me and told me everything would be alright. Three months since he kissed me, laughed with me, enveloped me in those powerful arms of his..._

_Three months since I've seen his face. _

_It hurts a lot. It's unbelievable how much it hurts. I guess you never really know how much you depend on someone until they're gone. _

_After our fight...he took a cab and left. Didn't say where he was going to. In fact, he barely spoke to me. He rang Jane instead and told her to tell me...to tell me it's over. _

_Just remembering those words makes me want to break down in tears. _

_Three whole months...and you'd think it'd get easier. But it doesn't. Not deep down in here...not in here it doesn't. To everyone else, I'm coping fine. I've got a job at Booty's and it's going brilliantly. I turn up on time everywhere I go, dressed nicely, and with a smile for everyone. I'm no longer ill and so I go out and I shop, and I cook and I clean every day before bed. _

_But the job was Christian's idea and it doesn't feel right not being able to share the experience with him. The smile I wear is so fake that I'm surprised nobody has picked up on it yet. Nice clothes? Yeah sure. But that's my outward appearance. Inside, I'm crumbling away, so why can't anybody see that? The only person who would've seen it is Christian and he's not here. Maybe he's never coming back. _

_I've found that I cook and clean – I do all those things in a futile attempt to take my mind off Christian. At least they take up some time before I deem it acceptable to clamber into a cold and unloved bed...alone. Always alone. Wanting to cuddle him but instead wrapping the duvet closer around me, hugging myself, crying myself, even, to sleep. _

_Three months and he's still all I can think about. _

_And why? All because of a stupid argument. Things that I said in the heat of the argument. _

_Come back Christian. I don't know how much more of this I can take. _


	28. Chapter 27

**Chapter 26 **

**CHRISTIAN **

_Dear Sye, _

_They say there are five stages of grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance - long periods of time to mourn for the death of a loved one. You're not dead, but I think the principles still apply. _

_I spent a very short amount of time in the first stage. I think, actually, that was more to do with the fact that I'd left you, rather than the other way round. I was a bit shocked at first. In fact, I was even doubting myself. Hadn't my decision been a little too rash? I could still see the look on your face as I told you I loved you...but that it was no longer enough. You looked crushed. I reached out and touched your face, my fingers brushing those perfect lips one last time and I realised that what I'd said was true...it wasn't enough anymore. Syed...there's a point in every man's life that they have to stand up for themselves...when enough is enough. I know many people wouldn't exactly agree that I suit their definition of 'manly' but I realised then that I deserved much better than this, and so did you._

_So I had to leave. _

_The anger came quickly, and still while I was in my first week of being away from you. I was angry with you for doubting me. I was even angry at you for not fighting harder for me. What did I expect you to do? Chase me down the street? It made no sense yet I was absolutely furious with you, Sye. I spent those nights frequenting bars, downing drink after drink, and receiving offer after offer from men who knew what I was, but still, somehow, wanted to know more. _

_There was one guy – Will. He was hot, and I recognised that instantly and unashamedly. The sort of hot that you can't deny. The sort of guy who knows it too. He reminded me of, well...me. He sauntered up to the bar, bought me a drink, chatted me up..._

_I was so angry at you, I'll admit it. I found myself thinking: 'You thought I cheated, Syed? You thought I'd messed around with someone else? Well let's see how you like it when I really do...' I know it's horrible, and I'm cringing now as I think about it...but I was so, so angry. _

_He winked at me; a flash of piercing ice blue, and his lips curved gently as he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place. _

_I turned him down in the end. I couldn't do it to you, Sye. No way. He was a decent sort of guy. Tapped me on the shoulder. "No harm done," he said. Then he bought me another drink and listened to me as I rambled on about you. I called you some horrible things, but then again...so did you when we were fighting. Junior Squad...? You know what? Let's just leave it. I don't have the strength to be angry anymore. _

_At first I thought I might be boring him, but even if I was, he stayed and listened to the whole lot. Made sure I got home safely – yes, Sye, no strings attached._

_I spent every night that week in different bars. I don't know what I was looking for. There sure wasn't anybody like you. I guess we both know what I wanted – revenge, in some sort of way - but I was too cowardly to take it. _

_Bargaining was the second week. See, when I left you, I had no intention of ever coming back. But now I found myself wanting to return...if only to see you one last time. I missed you, I'll be honest. I still do. I found I was bargaining with myself; said that even though I'd promised myself that I wouldn't return, even if I did it wouldn't be cheating. I even tried ridiculous bargaining such as 'If I go back to live with Syed, I'll sleep in a separate room...I won't even talk to him! ... Just as long as I can see him every day.' I don't know who I was fooling. I even tried talking to God...well, your God. Allah. Told him I'd do anything for you to be here right now...but I guess he only works for you. _

_This has all been pretty difficult to write down. But how can I even begin to tell you about the fourth stage? Syed, I was depressed out of my mind. All this week, I'm sure you'll be glad to know, I'm missing you like crazy. It's like I've been stabbed in the chest, and I'm just lying here, too stubborn to come back to you, or to call you for help. The ironic ending to the story is that I stabbed MYSELF. It was my choice. I left YOU... _

_I've cried a lot this week. I'm crying as I write this. I've cried so much I don't understand how I've still got tears left in me. I can't feel or think anymore. When I packed my clothes, I must've accidentally packed one of your t-shirts instead...it's your red and blue checker one, so sorry if you're missing it! It smells a lot like you and lately – this is so embarrassing to admit, but it's true – just before I go to bed, I curl up with it and it's almost like I can imagine you're there. I can feel you wiping my tears and telling me to stop being a softie. I can even smell you Sye and I miss you so much. _

_So why don't I just come home? _

_Because I don't want the arguing to continue. As heart wrenching as this feeling is right now, it feels even worse when you turn away from me...when you doubt me. How could you even think I would do something like that? _

_But I'm also not returning because I'm holding on for the fifth stage of grief. _

_Wouldn't it be so brilliant Sye? Acceptance? To sit back and accept that this is how things are? That we were never meant to be? Then we could just move on with our lives. _

_That's why I'm writing this to you. I hope you've been doing okay, and I just want to let you know, in case Jane didn't deliver the message – this is it. This is over. You'll notice I put no address on the top of this letter. I don't want you to contact me. I want you to forget about me, because at the end of the day, if we were meant to be...all this pain and drama...it wouldn't have happened. _

_So move on in your life Syed, if you haven't already. _

_And pray for me...pray that I'll finally come to accept this. _

_I wish you all the best in life. _

_I love you a whole lot more than you ever believed. _

_Christian x _

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><p><strong>Feel free to review <strong>

**Xxx**


	29. Chapter 28

**Chapter 27 **

**Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all hate Amira, etc. **

**The Amira in my fanfic is a nice one ^^ At least, that's how she is in my mind as I'm writing this. But this is me writing, so she could turn out absolutely horrible by the time I've finished, seeing as I change my mind as I write all the time ;) **

**LOL omg, I've realised I'm a horrible person. I really enjoyed writing the last chapter even though Christian's all depressed. I give up. I now conform to the group we all call 'angst whores.'**

**Oh, and the first part is from the play 'A Streetcar Named Desire' and I felt that is described Amira's feelings pretty well. **

**MirrorSlash xxxxxx**

* * *

><p><strong>AMIRA <strong>

"He was a boy, just a boy. And I was a very young girl...when I made the discovery – love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been in half shadow, that's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded. There was something different about the boy...a softness and tenderness which wasn't like a man's, although he wasn't the least bit effeminate looking – still, that _thing_ was there...He came to me for help. I didn't know that. I didn't find out anything until after our marriage when we'd run away and come back and all I knew was I'd failed him in some mysterious way and wasn't able to give him the help he needed but couldn't speak of! He was in the quicksands and clutching at me – but I wasn't holding him out, I was slipping in with him! I didn't know that. I didn't know anything except I loved him unendurably, but without being able to help him or help myself. Then I found out. In the worst possible of ways. By coming suddenly into a room that I thought was empty – which wasn't empty, but had two people in it...my husband and my friend..."

I'd told all that to Ahmed Adani and he hadn't turned away from me. Instead, he'd held me closer in a warm embrace, peppered kisses on my head, rained them down on my face and my neck and...I'm not proud to say it, but we made love right there and then. Once a fallen woman, always a fallen woman I guess. I didn't feel guilty afterwards. Well, not much. It had taken a year and a half after our marriage for me to cheat on Syed. It had taken him only a week.

I love Ahmed. He's good to me and he's good to my daughter too. I don't know if I can compare it to how much I loved – love – no, loved Syed. That love was blinding, startling, innocent and uncontrollable. With Ahmed I just feel...safer. I can trust him.

But he's not the father of my child, and as Yasmin grows older, I can see more and more of _him_ in her face. She has his eyes, a deep, rich, chocolate brown. She has his nose, his dark wispy hair, and his smile...and I know that it's not fair to keep her from her dad.

Which is why I'm back in Walford.

* * *

><p>"Amira."<p>

'Shocked' is an understatement. I can tell my appearance has been a kick in the teeth for him, because he just stands there and stares and stares at me, Yasmin and Ahmed.

"What is this?" he finally says. He's talking like he hasn't got a breath left in him. He's still standing in the doorway, his hand on its frame, steadying himself.

"Hello Syed," I say in a tight and controlled voice. Just like I've been practicing for the past month. Hopefully my voice doesn't convey what I really feel. And what is that? I find myself wondering. What did you expect to see?

I can't lie to myself anymore. The years have been good to him – he's leaner, and wearing clothes that are...well, fashionable. The Syed I knew couldn't have cared less about clothes, in fact, I had to pick them out for him. He's every bit his gorgeous self. He's even more, well, good looking than I remember and I hate him for it. "Are you going to let us in then?"

"Yes, yes of course," he jolts back into action and swings the door wide open for us.

"It was quite a task to find you," I say matter-of-a-factly, taking Yasmin's hands and guiding her forward. It takes every bit of willpower not to add: "Look, that's your daddy," and I don't think Syed has quite figured it out yet. "Neighbours told me you'd moved."

"Too many bad memories in that house," he replies nervously, wiping his hands down on his trousers and glancing at Ahmed. Ahmed is quite a hefty man and I can immediately tell what he is thinking.

"Calm down!" I laugh, "Ahmed isn't another of my father's men. We're not here for revenge or anything like that. Syed...this is Ahmed Adani,"

"Oh," is all Syed says, extending an arm out of Ahmed, and looking at me curiously.

"...my boyfriend," I announce proudly. Then I raise an eyebrow. "And where's yours then?"

**SYED **

Hadn't been expecting that. Really hadn't. I don't know what to do. Oh help. Her boyfriend? What's going on? This is too much to deal with. I'd really just planned to do some more cleaning and then go straight to bed and think about Christian. This is too much.

"He's...not here." Then I deflate. What's the point in lying? "He hasn't been here for a while. We, I mean, we..."

"You split up, didn't you?" Amira says knowingly, mockingly even. She slips a hand around Ahmed's waist and plants a kiss on his cheek. "Cheaters never prosper," she adds.

I feel like she's just kicked me in the gut. That's why she's here. To flaunt her new family in front of me...when I have nothing. I deserve it as well. I know I do.

"Have a seat," I speak as if strangled, once we've reached the living room. "Would you like a drink?"

Ahmed asks for a coke, and Amira just asks for water. But the way she's looking at me, I imagine she wants my blood.

"Anything for...err...?" I gesture at the child on her lap. She looks really young. But not young enough. A year or so? My head is spinning...

"Any juice if you have it," Amira says politely, her voice saccharine sweet.

"Sure," I respond, still not exactly sure of what I'm doing. That guy – Ahmed – is fixing me with a pretty weird look. "I've got apple juice, blackcurrant, orange..."

"_Orange!_" The little girl says decisively. "Or-ange."

"It's her favourite," Amira explains.

"Mine too," I smile. We look at each other for a short while, and in those few seconds, hundreds of questions fill the air between the two of us. Then I turn away towards the kitchen.

What is going on?

"It's such a shame that Christian isn't here. I was looking forward to having a catch-up with my good _friend," _Amira says, the smile never leaving her face.

"Yeah," I mutter. I'm out of my depth here. The ball's in her court – and I've never been good at dodge ball. She's placing a hand on Ahmed's now, and even though I no longer love her, even though Christian has my entire heart, something inside me hurts. I don't like being replaced. I guess I'm vainer than I thought.

"How's life treated you since I left? Well, pretty much since I was banished, disgraced..."

I try to smile, but it falters and I feel more like crying.

"I see it's treated you pretty well,"

"Ahh yes, well I met Ahmed. He's one of my dad's business associates...and we fell in love," the hand rested on his takes this opportunity to squeeze his. She's doing this on purpose, and it's getting to me.

Strike one.

"This man is amazing, really. At _everything_." She catches my eye and allows the message to sink in. She means 'in bed.' One of the many things I hadn't been able to give her. If she knew how guilty I felt, she wouldn't be doing all this. Or maybe she would?

Anyhow it's Strike two, and I grip the arm of the chair I'm sitting on, feeling queasy.

"Evidently," I speak through gritted teeth, nodding at the little child still on her lap.

"No," Amira looks serious. "There are two reasons why I came here today. Firstly, Ahmed and I are getting married..."

I barely have time to process the information before she continues quickly,

"...And secondly...this child needs her father."

"Wha...what are you saying?"

"You have a daughter, Syed," she smiled gently.

_Strike three and I'm out. _

* * *

><p>"Can I...?" I ask tentatively. My heart leaps for joy as Amira nods and I bend down and scoop up the little bundle of beauty into my arms. "What's her name...?"<p>

"Yasmin."

_Yasmin. _It's beautiful. _She's _beautiful. She has her mother's gorgeous looks...but looking into her eyes is like looking into mine. She's mine. She is. This isn't made up. I grin and hold her tightly to my chest. She looks up at me, laughing. The laughter is infectious and soon we've both got the giggles. Father and daughter. I can't...I can't even comprehend this moment. I never thought...I wipe the tears from my eyes, a huge grin still stretched across my face.

"She's beautiful," I finally say.

Amira is looking pretty emotional too.

"How..?" I continue, happy, but completely confused. "I mean, we only..."

"Once is enough," Amira reminds me, and I shake my head in bewilderment. "She's mine," I say.

"Ours,"

"And she's gorgeous." I plant a kiss on her nose. If only Christian were here to see this...

Amira laughs. "I just...I just didn't want her growing up without her biological dad,"

I drag my eyes from Yasmin for a short second and look at Amira.

"Thank you."

Then I'm back to staring at Yasmin, jiggling her up and down in my arms, chucking her chin, tapping her nose...she laughs loudly and throws her arms in the air. I'm astounded by how small she is, how and delicate and beautiful each one of her tiny fingers are.

I never thought it would be like this. Christian and I had applied to adopt, and I wanted a child, I just never knew it would feel this amazing.

"You're my baby..." I whisper into her curls lovingly. "Yasmin..."

And I know as sure as I know myself that I will kill anybody that tries to harm her. I won't let anything come between the two of us ever again.


	30. Chapter 29

**Chapter 28 **

**Thanks for reading up to here! I really should be doing work right now – it's really important, but I just want to write this chapter!**

**I hope you like it, and I hope you've liked the previous chapter. Might leave this for a while mannn...need to FOCUS ;) **

**MirrorSlash**

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><p><strong>Five days later<strong>

The front doorbell rang uncharacteristically early and Syed groaned and got out of bed hurriedly. He didn't want it to wake Yasmin, or Ahmed and Amira for that matter, who were sleeping in the next room.

They'd been staying at the house while they were trying to think of a plan of action. First of all, there was their divorce to finalise. If Amira was to marry, they couldn't still be legally bound. Also, there were discussions of where the two were going to live, and going to court so that Syed could legally have his visitation rights, which he very much wanted..._needed_.

The doorbell kept on ringing, so Syed made his way quickly over to the door and flung it open, grumpy at being disturbed from his sleep.

"Who is it? It's six in the morning for goodness..." he trailed off as he saw Christian standing in the doorway, a strange look on his face. His hair seemed longer, tousled, and he had dark stubble on his chin.

Without even waiting for Syed to say anything, Christian made his way into the flat, backing Syed up against the wall and kissing him passionately. His hands ran through Syed's hair as he pressed his lips against his. Syed was too surprised to do anything, let alone resist, and he closed his eyes and kissed him back with the same ferocity. Just as quickly, Christian pulled away and looked at him searchingly.

"I...I never reached the fifth stage," he spoke breathlessly, before crushing his lips against Syed's again. The back of his foot reached behind so that the door was slammed behind them. He grabbed Syed's hands. "Let's take this to the bedroom..."

"Wait-" Syed started.

"Christian?"

Christian turned with shock to see Amira standing in the corridor, and then he looked at Syed questioningly.

"What's she doing here?"

"It's not what it looks like," Syed laughed. "But I've got some news for you Christian..."

At that moment, the bedroom door opened again and Ahmed came out, carrying a bleary-eyed Yasmin.

"Is everything alright?" he asked roughly.

"What..." Christian looked from the three of them to Syed and back again. "Amira...?"

"Christian!" Syed gabbled excitedly. "Amira's getting married to Ahmed so she's come back here for a divorce. And you're back now and..." he walked over to Ahmed, taking his child quickly and walking over to Christian. "And Yasmin, here, she's my daughter...isn't this great?"

* * *

><p>Isn't this great?<p>

Syed's happy words still rang in Christian's mind. Of course it was great. He wanted to hug Sye and tell him it was amazing. But only a small part of him wanted to do that. A larger part of him was angry.

Later that night, when Christian had clambered into bed and stared stonily at the wall, Syed stroked his arm.

"What is it? Christian, I know it's difficult for you, but please be happy for me...?"

"I am, it's just that..." Christian turned to face Syed, sighing loudly. "You have a daughter, Syed. This is huge."

"I know it is."

"How does it feel?"

"Amazing," Syed admitted. "Like...she's amazing Christian. She really is,"

Christian nodded sadly. "I am happy for you,"

"Yeah, but you're not _happy." _

"How can I be when you leave for three weeks and have your wife move in with you?"

"Only for a short while! Only till we finalise our divorce, then we're going to get married. Remember?" Syed squeezed his arm.

"Yeah, but, she's your _wife..."_

"Yeah, who is about to get married to a man of her own! I love you, Christian. Besides, she's stayed in the other room with Ahmed. All I've been able to think about is you. I don't even want to _know _what – or who – you've been doing in your absence," Syed teased.

"No-one!" Christian responded hotly.

"I was joking,"

"You weren't joking when you said all those things about Roxy," Christian retorted. "I thought you'd forgiven me."

"I have," Syed said quietly. "I just can't forget. I'm still hurt, Christian. It still hurts thinking about you and somebody else – a woman."

"How do you think it feels knowing that your wife is sleeping next door, huh?" Christian propped himself up on one elbow and looked down intently. "Hadn't thought about that one, had you?" he snapped. "Mr. Bi now, Gay later?"

Syed gasped in shock. "Christian, that's not fair..."

"...Holding your wife in one arm and your baby in the other?" Christian continued. "What about me? I always come last to you."

"Never." To Christian's surprise, Syed wasn't angry. He fully accepted that Christian needed a small outburst, and he took the unfairness of Christian's words happily. "I love you," he said, kissing Christian's cheek. "Please get that through your thick skull."

Christian laughed.

"I've been stupid,"

"You have," Syed agreed.

"And unfair,"

"Most definitely," Syed nodded.

"And jealous,"

"Oh have you now?" Syed raised an eyebrow.

"And I don't know how to make it up to you."

"I'm sure we could think of a few things," Syed grinned.

"I'm sorry for leaving you,"

Syed nodded slowly.

"Apology accepted..." then he paused. "So we can do this? You can come to terms with them being around? We can get our divorce and...and we can get married?"

"Just try and stop me!" Christian grinned.

"I've missed you Clarkey," Syed said honestly.

"I've missed you too...I can't wait to tell the whole world..."

"Good, because we've got a lot to get ready...the venue, the music, the invites, the cake..."

"The honeymoon..." Christian said dreamily. "When should we start?"

"Tomorrow," Syed said. "I'm going to tell my family too,"

"Brilliant, I'll order a coffin now, shall I?"

"Oh shut up," Syed nudged him. "They're not that bad!"

Christian kissed Syed gently on the lips. "You're not so bad yourself," he said.

Syed tapped his fingers fondly on Christian's chest, secretly admiring the soft, tanned skin and the large muscles.

"Right back at ya," he laughed.

* * *

><p><strong>Please review, cause like...yeah :') <strong>

**Oh and I also used the 'Bi now, Gay Later' line from Eastenders**

**because really, that was way too good a line to waste! ;D**

**xxxxx**


	31. Chapter 30

**Sorry it's been so long since I updated! On the bright side, this only needs like, 5 more chapters and it'll be finished! **

**Woooooo :)**

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><p><strong>Jaded <strong>

_Adj._ To be left weary/tired after a particular length of time

_Noun._ A bad tempered and cynical woman.

Syed stared at his mother, his eyes watery, but no longer in shock. The pain, he noticed, had subsided too. It was no longer an unbearable icy hand clenching its fist and flexing itself around his heart, chilling him throughout. It was reduced to a dull ache throbbing within his chest; unwelcome, but considerably more controllable than it had been before.

He should've known nothing would ever change. He should've known better than to try and convince her to change her ways – to accept him as her son, as a fellow Muslim...as a gay man.

"Mum, you're not listening," he stated simply. His voice sounded hollow and he was aware of his mother's mouth moving in a heated response.

"I did listen Syed! I sat here and listened as you explained every disgusting detail..."

One last time, Syed tried to reach out to her, but she pulled away from him in contempt. Syed tried to block out the rush of emotions he felt. It was amazing how a simple gesture could control him so completely.

"It's not disgusting mum," he said weakly. "It's a wedding. And I want you to be there."

"No Syed. Alright? No! I will _never _shame myself – I will _never _stoop that low. I will not condone what you have brought to this family...to Allah."

"Allah accepts me. Why can't you?"

"Don't ever say that again Syed. In his eyes you are a sinner."

"And in your eyes...?" His voice was breaking again. He'd tried so hard to control himself, but he realised it didn't matter anymore. He felt the water roll down his face and made no attempt to hide it.

Zainab looked away.

"In _your _eyes, Mum?" Syed repeated desperately.

Zainab looked slowly and Syed stopped breathing.

In her eyes he could see only too clearly what she thought of him.

"Okay," he nodded. "This is it. I'm done."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Zainab snapped.

"Think you're the only one who can make these dramatic ultimatums? I've had enough."

"What are you...?"

"I don't want to see you again."

"Syed..." Zainab put her hand over her chest as if it physically pained her to hear this. Syed continued, knowing he couldn't stop now.

"We're wasting time with all this going back and forth. I'm not just thinking of me – it's hurting you, it's hurting Christian...It's not fair on him. I keep jeopardising my relationship with Christian for my relationship with you...I can't juggle the two anymore. I can't keep doing this to him."

"Of course, Christian's the victim in all of this," Zainab snapped.

"Stop it! Just stop it! Stop judging Christian. Christian is a wonderful, caring man whom I _love_," Syed's voice wobbled but he continued, "And another thing, Amira's back. With my daughter."

Zainab actually staggered against the door frame.

"Wha...Amira?"

"With my daughter."

"Are you...sure?" Zainab paled. "You have a daughter Syed?" A smile with the radiance of one hundred suns broke through her face. "I have a granddaughter."

"Her name is Yasmin," Syed said, not smiling back at her. "And I don't want you anywhere near her."

The smile was wiped straight off her face.

"You can't do that – I'm her grandmother."

"And I'm her father! I can't risk you being around her. I want her to be surrounded by love and support and all this anger and hatred is too harmful for her."

"Syed, I have never met Yasmin- but believe me when I say I love her with all of my heart."

"Yet you can't love the man you raised?" Syed retorted bitterly. He walked towards the door. "Goodbye Mum."

"Syed I..."

"No. I've had enough. Really I have. I want you to..." Syed swallowed nervously, before summoning his strength. "Until you come to terms with Christian and I...I want you to stay away from my family."

The door clicked quietly behind him.

The second Syed got home he slumped against the door.

No tears came.

On his way back, he'd felt that he'd been holding on _just _long enough; creating the illusion that he was fine; holding in the tears. But now that he was in the comfort of him home, none would come. He just felt empty and weak. He couldn't stop his hands from shaking, and everywhere, absolutely _everywhere _was hurting. Syed almost wished he could feel proper pain. Something so sharp and sudden it would seep through the fogginess of his brain and force him into action.

Instead all he felt was this dull ache and the same iciness that had crept through his bones and embedded itself in his very soul.

Christian found him there ten minutes later, and immediately walked over to him.

"You spoke to them then?"

"I spoke to Dad first." Syed raised his eyes to meet Christian's. It scared Christian how completely defeated those eyes looked and how drawn and tired his face was. "He said precisely what Mum said...only it hurt more when she said it."

Christian shook his head.

"I'm sorry."

What more could he say? Time and time again Zainab and Masood had hurt them more than was even imaginable. Time and time again Syed ran back to them.

"I'm done."

"What?" Christian raised his eyebrows.

"Christian – I'm tired. It's not fair that I allow them to do this to us. And now that I've got Yasmin...Christian, until they accept us, I don't want to see them again."

"Did you tell them this?"

Syed nodded and sniffed, and suddenly Christian knew the enormity of what he'd just done.

"Come on Sye, you know you don't have to pretend with me," Christian placed his hand on Syed's gently, but protectively. "Let it out."

Syed shook his head.

"I'm not pretending. I'm not fine – far from it. I just don't want to...lose control."

Christian nodded. He knew what it was like to feel that with every word you said, you might unravel. And to show some emotion...? It would be like opening floodgates. But if anything, he also knew what was good for Syed.

"Come here." He enveloped Syed in a large hug. Syed buried his head in Christian's chest, feeling the familiarity of Christian's warm embrace.

They started quietly, then the sniffles turn into the sobs, and the sobs turned into loud cries of grief.

"I've lost them Christian," his voice muffled against Christian's cardigan.

Christian simply responded by hugging him tighter, rocking him gently until the sobs subsided, and he was just sniffing quietly. Every now and again making a noise that teetered somewhere between crying and retching.

"I'm sorry."

"What have I told you about apologising?" Christian said sternly.

"No...I've ruined your cardigan," Syed laughed a watery laugh.

"Haha, it's fine. It was getting old, wasn't it?"

"But you love that cardi!"

"Well, you're just gonna have to get me a new one, aren't you?"

"Mmm...perhaps." Syed screwed up his face. "Why does crying give you such a headache?"

"I'll go get you some paracetamol." Christian made to stand up.

"No," Syed held his hand and pulled him down. "Just stay with me."

"I want you to know I'm proud of you, Sye," Christian said seriously. When Syed looked bewildered, he continued, "I'm proud of the man you've become. You and me Sye – we've come a long way. I'm even proud of how long you believed your parents would come round. You didn't give up – and that makes you brave. I'm proud of how much we've been through, how much we've weathered, and that even after all of it, you're still the man I fell in love with. But most of all, I'm proud to call you my fiancée."

Syed grinned, suddenly tongue-tied. He squeezed Christian's hand happily and looked down, smiling from ear to ear.

"Syed – is that a blush I detect?" Christians said jovially.

"No!" Syed made a face. "Besides, how can you tell?"

He may have only been on a few visits to Pakistan, but his skin was a light shade of caramel, pigmented with the typical shades of brown and honey one might expect from a person of similar ethnic background. Because of this, it was notoriously difficult to notice any sudden rush of colour to his face.

"Because I know you," Christian murmured. He reached up and brushed Syed's hair from his face. "That and the fact that the tips of your ears are tinged red," he said pointedly.

Syed grinned hugely. Sometimes he couldn't even begin to understand how lucky he was to have Christian – to have somebody who noticed even the tiniest things about him and loved him for them.

Syed leaned upwards and brushed his lips against Christian's.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

Christian smiled a small smile.

"You've made a big step today, Sye. But it won't be easy. There's something in here," he tapped Syed's chest, "And here," and he tapped Syed's forehead, "...and they're always going to disagree."

"I know it's going to be hard," Syed agreed. "But that's what I've got you for, right?"

"You've got a fiancé, a brother, your sister-in-law, a daughter, and whether I like it or not, a wife who adore you. What more could you want than that?"

Syed rest his head on Christian's shoulder and sighed loudly.

"I don't want anything from them anymore," he said honestly.

"Good, because I'm going to give you everything. I'm going to be the best husband I can be for you. The very best."

"I don't want perfection," Syed closed his eyes. "I just want you."


	32. Chapter 31

**The Papers**

**(Christian)**

**One month later**

The divorce papers are here. I felt a mixture of different emotions when I found out. The largest one was relief. Surprisingly, I don't think I felt even the slightest bit of pity for Amira, even though her husband had just divorced her.

Waaaaay overdue, if you ask me.

I could tell Syed was happy, but trying not to be too obvious about it around Amira. She looked shaken, but relieved too, as if a large weight had been removed from her shoulders. She was free to marry Ahmed now, I suppose.

Although, I'm an observant person, and I notice things about the two of them. She looks at Ahmed affectionately, she flirts with him, she jokes with him, and they share kisses – but apart from that last part, that's how you would act with a best mate...how Roxy and I do!

Did.

I miss Roxy. I miss her a lot. I'm hoping now that we're getting married Sye will finally stop being paranoid and let us be friends again. Of course I could yell at Syed, or see her behind his back, but...I do respect him. Even when his judgement is wrong. I love him too.

But when Amira looks at Syed...she looks so young and happy. It transports me back to when _they _were the engaged ones and I don't like it one bit.

Which is why I was so relieved when the papers came through in the post. The procedures had been speedy and we received priority because the case was so unusual, blah blah blah. What matters is...we're free.

I tell him that later on when we're in the bedroom together. He's looking out of the window. It's open and it's blowing a huge breeze into the room. He's shivering.

I walk up to him and wrap my arms around his waist, snuggling into the small of his back.

"We're free," I whisper, nuzzling against his neck.

And he smiles and places his own arm on top of mine.

Then we stand together, eyes closed, swaying slowly and completely wrapped up in the moment.

**Syed **

Today was...well. Where should I begin?

I'm so happy. I feel guilt too, but mostly happiness. Although obviously I had to hide it from Amira.

The delivery itself was awkward. Dad delivered it – being the local postman. And Christian opened it there and then – in front of him. Perhaps it wasn't the best idea, but Dad didn't say anything. He just glared at me with the sharpness of jagged glass – so sharp in fact, that no words were needed.

It is officially over. Apart from the occasional sightings in town, I haven't seen my parents ever since I told mum to stay away. I don't regret it. But it hurts. A lot.

Yasmin is ever as beautiful. She called me "Da-da" the other day, and my heart leapt in joy. I know no other person that can take hold of my emotions so completely and irrevocably. If she laughs, I laugh. If she coughs, I'm up all night, fretting about her wellbeing. I have the "What to look out for: Signs in Babies" next to my bed. Every rash or minor bump is cross-referenced with possible illnesses in that book.

Christian tells me that I'M going to end up ill if I stress too much, but it's okay. Amira does her fair share, even though she's moving out this week with Ahmed. Not too far away though. The papers give me full visitation rights, meaning I can take her at weekends, and on holidays, and basically see her whenever I like.

Christian's been great too. He's sterilised the bottles, played with Yasmin, and put up with a few of Amira's snide remarks.

He doesn't think I know, but I've woken up sometimes and he's turned my alarm off – which I have set at regular 4 hour intervals – and woken up to feed and burp Yasmin, just so I can have a few hours extra rest.

"We're free," he told me today, and it's true. Some guys get scared about marriage – about commitment. They view the night before their wedding as their 'last night of freedom.' But not me. With Christian, I am free. He allows me to be whoever I want to be. And even better...

He loves me for it.


	33. Chapter 32

**Hey everyone! **

**So here I am...about to write this chapter... **

**And procrastinating by writing an author's note, cause like, hey, why not right? :') **

**So I hope you enjoy it! :') **

**OOOH OOOH OOOH also, this chapter (FINALLY) is what my dream was it about... **

**Basically, I had a dream that spurred the entirety of this fanfic. And at first, I planned to write it out (the dream) in about five chapters. It wasn't even a LONG dream, probably only a few minutes, yet here I am, on chapter 32, only NOW about to write the inspiration behind this. **

**Ahhh well. **

**Enjoy (: **

* * *

><p><strong>Final Apology <strong>

Syed looked around the house, smiling to himself. People were milling around everywhere; eager to help out with the decorations and last-minute preparations for the wedding. It was due to start in an hour and a half and he could honestly say he'd never felt more nervous in his life.

"Syed..."

It was Amira. She beckoned him to the kitchen and he followed, his mind drifting to the ceremony that was going to take place that day.

"Look at you. Loved up like some sort of teenager!" Amira admonished. Then her eyes turned deadly serious and she placed a hand on his arm. "So...this is it?" Her eyes watered. "Us. It's over?"

He took hold of her hands and sighed apologetically.

"I'm sorry."

She nodded tightly, pursed her lips, and then forced a smile.

"Syed, I..."

"Amira, you don't have to come along to the wedding. I didn't think when I invited you. I don't want to make things worse..."

"Shhh..." She placed a finger on his lips to silence him, and then replaced her finger with her mouth, placing a gentle kiss on his. "I love you Syed. I always will, and you know that."

"But what about Ahmed? Your fiancée?" Syed gaped.

"I love him too – not in the same way. And I know that's how you feel about me. Syed – you make me feel..." She trailed off and swallowed past a lump in her throat. "This isn't about what I want anymore. This is about you. And Christian makes you happy?"

"You know he does."

"Then go and spend the rest of your life with him," Amira smiled. "Don't you dare mess this up, okay? You have my blessing." She laughed through tears.

Syed's mouth couldn't form the words he needed, so he nodded instead.

They stood there for a while, looking at each other, knowing that there was so much more that needed to be said, but hoping that maybe, just maybe, their future would be less painful than the past.

Finally, Syed spoke.

"Where's...?"

"Yasmin? I put her in your room. She's asleep," Amira added.

Syed nodded and then turned to leave the kitchen.

* * *

><p>"Hey beautiful," Syed murmured, reaching down and planting a kiss on Yasmin's cheek. He perched himself on the end of the bed and smiled down at her. "Today's Daddy's wedding day."<p>

He sat and watched her for a while in silence. Fleetingly, he remembered that he should probably go downstairs and do some more arranging – some more organising, but amidst all those thoughts was Yasmin, and all the things she needed to know, and so he didn't move.

"Daddy's getting married to Christian," Syed repeated, finding her tiny hand and holding onto it.

"I'm so excited. I'm nervous too, of course I am but...when you grow up Yasmin, you'll understand. You'll find somebody who gets you more than anybody else in the world. And Daddy's going to be right here and support you through all of it, okay?"

Syed gave her hand a little squeeze and busied himself watching her tiny head poking just above the soft quilts.

"No matter who that person is that you choose – no matter how far from my idea of your 'perfect life partner' they are...as long as you're happy, I'll be happy. I'll accept you for whoever you want to be, and whoever you want to be with. It doesn't matter what mistakes you make, what career you want to pursue, your beliefs...your sexuality. It doesn't matter. _You _matter. That's the only important thing. I know what it's like to be – shut away from your family, and I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen to you. Yasmin, you have two of the most wonderful people in your life – your mother, and Christian. And they both love you. And I love you."

Syed reached out and picked her up gently, cradling her head on his shoulder.

"Now I know there's going to be a lot of questions when you're older. You're going to want to know about your grandparents – and why you have more parents than most children. You're going to want to know the truth. I promise you that I'll give you that. But you must remember one thing okay? You were an accident, yes, but you were not a mistake." He rocked her back and forth for a while, before continuing:

"I didn't want a child then – but Allah makes all things work out for the best. I may regret on cheating on Amira – but I don't regret being with Christian. I may regret marrying Amira, but I will never regret having you. Everything I've done has led up to this moment. Me – about to marry the man I love, and holding my perfect daughter. _This_ makes the past few years worth it, understand Yasmin? So don't ever think otherwise." Syed huffed impatiently at his fringe as it fell over his face, and then he laughed loudly. "I don't think I've ever been happier. Now you really need to wake up soon or you're going to miss the wedding!"

He laid her back down on the bed and kissed her forehead.

"Daddy's just going to finish taking care of things, then we're off!" he grinned.

"Has anyone seen Christian?" he said, leaving his room and asking the general crowd in his house. "I need to –" He trailed off as he saw the grave faces around him. "What? What is it?" His heart started pounding and he couldn't breathe. "Is he alright?"

Nobody said anything, but they kept looking at him with identical expressions of pity.

"Is Christian okay?" he yelled.

"Honey, come here." Jane stepped out of the crowd and put a consoling arm around his shoulder, leading him to the corner of the room.

"What's happened?"

"I don't know how to break this to you."

Syed said nothing. His head was swimming with all the possibilities: Christian had been involved in a car crash, Christian had been attacked, Christian had been mugged, Christian had fallen down somewhere, Qadim had come back to finish what he's started, Christian...

"I hate to be the bringer of bad news," Jane hedged, "But...it's Christian. We can't find him. Nobody can."


	34. Chapter 33

**The Talk **

* * *

><p>She found me in the Gardens, sitting on the bench where Sye and I used to meet all the time, my head in my hands, trying to make sense of what I was doing.<p>

"Hey there." She sat next to me.

"Hi, I'm Christian. We met before? Thanks for agreeing to see me, Mrs. Lumen." I looked up at her. "The others are all back at the house – getting ready. Sye's probably in there worried sick. It's our wedding day," I told her.

The last time I'd seen Francesca Lumen, she had brought Syed and I back together. She'd pulled him from those dark recesses of his mind and delivered him quite literally into my arms.

She was a psychologist, and one of the very few I trusted. When Syed had been raped and beaten by his boss, even I couldn't get through to him. She did.

If anything, I had complete trust in her understanding of the human mind.

Now, she regarded me closely, before crossing her legs and smiling lightly.

"Your wedding day..." she mused. "Yet you're not in your suit, you're not smiling, and you're not by Syed. Scared?"

I looked at her and nodded honestly.

"Terrified," I admitted.

* * *

><p>She assessed me. She looked me up and down – took her time with it too. Then she finally spoke.<p>

"When I spoke with Syed, he didn't really give me the impression that you were the type to have second thoughts. He appeared, to me at least, to be the one who puts thought before action."

"You're right. It's not like me to have second thoughts," Christian sighed.

"So why are you?"

"You tell me. That's why I came to you. You're good with...mind stuff, right?"

She laughed. "This 'mind stuff' is going to require your co-operation, Mr. Clarke. Although, if I'm honest, I think I know why this is happening already. Tell me, how long have you known Syed for?"

"Quite a long time. We were work colleagues before we mutually realised how we felt about each other. Even then, we only been together for just over a year," Christian said.

"And did Syed's presence in your life change anything about you? About the way you live?"

"I guess so. Yeah," Christian nodded. "It has impacted my life quite a bit – but mostly for the better. I stay in more – with him. I drink less. I'm happier. I'm stable – I'm not going out on the pull all the time. I'm not messing around with anyone. I just want him."

"So, before Syed was in your life, you had multiple relationships with others?"

Christian laughed.

"I don't think any of them quite constitute as a 'relationship.' I didn't love any of them. I didn't really feel anything for them."

"So why did you get with them?"

"Why?" Christian shrugged. "Cause it's what you do when you're lonely and a gay man with charisma. You go to a club, down a few, chat people up, and see if you can bag the hottest one and take him home with you that night. I never called any of them. They were usually gone by the time I woke up, or vice versa. I'm not proud of my old lifestyle, but it was easy enough and it stopped me from getting bored or lonely. I'm confused – what's this got to do with me and Syed now?"

Lumen laughed.

"Really? You don't see the connection? Christian – a large part of you, larger than you think, still hangs on to your old ways. One night stands don't require any large amount of commitment on your part, but this wedding does. That's what you're scared of."

"But I love him," Christian whispered, shocked.

"But it's part of _you_," Lumen sighed. "You know what we call people like you? Commit-o-phobes. You've spent most of your life flitting from person to person, that when it comes to settling down with just one person, you're terrified. It's not just you, Christian. There are thousands others like that."

Christian sat back, frowning. Could she be right? Could he really be scared of committing himself, 100% to Syed?

"It makes me feel bad." His mouth was open and moving of its own accord. "It makes me feel bad that I'm scared, because I know I shouldn't be. I trust him more than anything, and I _do _want to give myself up to him, completely. I just don't know how."

"Stop living in your past."

"But I don't."

"Who's coming to your wedding?"

"Just about everyone excluding Sye's parents. There's my sister Jane. And his brother Tamwar, and his wife Afia...and there's Ian. And Kim. And Denise. And Heather. And..." Christian trailed off. "And James."

"Who's James?"

"He came down on a visit a few weeks ago. He was only going to stay a few days, but he was really happy when he heard about the wedding. He told me quite honestly that he'd never expected me to settle down with anyone and he wouldn't miss seeing this phenomenon for the world. I invited him."

"James...?"

"Oh, sorry. He's an ex of mine. He...well, he was a decent guy, you know? But I love Syed. I know I hurt James a lot, but we're over that, and I've realised why we were such good friends. He's a lovely guy. Syed likes him too."

Lumen frowned. "So you and James...?"

Christian recoiled against the idea. "I've told you. I _love_ Syed. James is a friend – a distant one at that, who's coming to the wedding."

"Christian, this is an example of living in the past. You invited James because subconsciously, he reminds you of how you used to be. Younger, and more free to sleep with whoever you like."

Christian swallowed.

"I hadn't thought of it like that. So...you're saying I have to tell James he can't come?"

"No. Embrace your mistakes. As long as you're looking at James and you realise what a mistake your relationship with him was, in comparison to your one with Syed, it'll be okay. But you've got to be able to do that. In the few weeks I knew Syed, I know I've never met a more reserved, yet outgoing, beautiful, downright honest, fragile man. Shame he's gay, if you get what I mean. And he's yours. And he deserves the very best."

"I know."

"Can you do that for him?"

Christian nodded determinedly.

"I can."

"Every time you start to doubt, just remember it's normal. It's normal to be panicked, especially considering your past. But remember that your past was a mistake – and it's your future together that's going to make you happier than you've ever been. You look at him and remember exactly why you proposed to him in the first place."

"Thank you," Christian stood happily and shook her hand. "Thank you so much."

"My pleasure," Lumen smiled.

"Now...I have a wedding to get to!"

* * *

><p>When Christian walked through the door he was met with Syed's worried eyes, and the disappointed and accusatory faces of his sister, his friends...<p>

"Sye, I'm so sorry."

It was those words that let Syed know that Christian had disappeared not because he was in danger, but because he was considering leaving him on their wedding day. It was those words that caused him to shake his head in fury and run away and up the stairs.

"I've been an idiot." Christian muttered to the crowd.

"Yeah, you have," Jane replied sternly, but softly. "And you'd better go up there and explain yourself to him. He's been worried – we all have."

* * *

><p>Syed wouldn't talk to him for a very long while. He would barely look at him.<p>

"Sye...I'm sorry. I was scared."

"Of what?"

"I don't know. Lots of things. My past, apparently."

"What?"

"Never mind – look, I want to spend my life with you."

Syed looked up as if that shocked him.

"You still want to marry me?" He sounded touched.

"Of _course_ I do!" Christian got down on his knees and searched Syed's eyes pleadingly. Reaching out, he grabbed Syed's own hands between his. "Just because I _temporarily _had second thoughts doesn't mean I want to, or even could, spend the _rest of my life _without you. Don't do that to me Sye, you know I couldn't cope with that. Yeah, I'm scared. But so what? It doesn't matter. You know I'd do anything for you Sye. Anything. Just tell me what to do to make this better and I'll do it."

"Well, for a start..." Syed began.

"Anything."

"You could try making your speech at our wedding as cute and heartfelt as everything you just said," Syed smiled.

Christian's smile grew, and he kissed Syed's clasped hands lovingly.

"I am sorry, Sye."

"I know. You can make it up to me tonight, if you're not too jet-lagged," Syed grinned. "Although if I'm honest, I'm surprised I wasn't the one to have second thoughts." He joked.

The two were jetting off to Hawaii that night for a three week honeymoon. '_Why not?'_ had been Christian's justification. Three whole weeks away from the madness that was Walford – with each other – was a very appealing idea.

"Oh, don't worry, I will," Christian stood up, grinning wickedly.

"I know you," Syed rolled his eyes, standing too. "I do want to do _some _sightseeing while we're in Hawaii, not just stay in our hotel room all the time, okay?"

"Oh don't worry." Christian's eyes flickered across Syed's body, slowly roaming up and down, and lingering for a little too long on Syed's crotch. "I plan on doing a _lot_ of sightseeing in Hawaii."

"You're terrible, Clarkey!"

* * *

><p><strong>The next chapter is the last chapter! :O <strong>

**Thanks for reading! Xxxxx**


	35. Chapter 34

**The title is pretty self-explanatory really ;D xxxxxxxxx**

* * *

><p><strong>The Wedding <strong>

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of two people who are very close to my heart. Syed Masood, and Christian Clarke."

Syed smiled. When Christian said that they'd come 'a long way,' it was true. And it all led down to this moment.

Neither of them had wanted a repeat of the last wedding; of flamboyant decorations, drummers, a _nikka,_ riding in on a horse...

All Syed had wanted was to show the world he loved Christian, and to get married within the eyes of Allah.

All Christian had wanted was to show the world he loved Syed, and be with him forever. So they'd settled on a compromise.

"Let's do it your way," Syed had said.

It was the best of both worlds. Or rather, cultures.

They were getting married in a traditional church. This was to be expected anyway. Syed had looked everywhere but had to admit defeat when he was told countless times that no self-respecting mosque or _imam _would host a wedding ceremony between two homosexuals. Therefore, they had quickly found a kind and willing Muslim to undergo the process of becoming legally able to pronounce them husbands.

In this case, it was Tamwar.

Internet courses were quick and inexpensive, and Syed's brother had been more than happy to help out.

"I know something special when I see it," Tamwar said, "And what these men have here is special, which is why it is a privilege not only to be standing here as the imam, but as Syed's brother, and best man. As brothers, we've had our fair share of fallouts, but mostly he's been an amazing and supporting brother, and I've no doubt he'll make an amazing and supportive husband. Christian – you're a very lucky man. I've known these two men for a long time, and I know of no two people who are so in love – apart from me and my lovely wife of course," Tamwar smiled at Afia who sat in the cues and waited for the laughter to die down. "I know the two of them will make each other happy, and that they can face whatever life brings them. They've been through a lot, and sadly, not every member of our family is present today, but I pray and hope that life with bring them much more in terms of health, happiness and togetherness from this moment forth," Tamwar said. "Now, it is time to present the rings."

Jane stepped forward and presented a ring to Christian, while Tamwar presented one to Syed.

"Okay, Syed, repeat after me: I, Syed Masood..."

"I, Syed Masood..." Syed repeated, looking up at Christian with wide and adoring eyes.

"Take you, Christian Clarke, to be my lover, my friend, the father to our children and my husband. I will be yours in times of sickness and health, will love you in times of joy and sorrow, in failure and in triumph. I will cherish you, and respect you, care and protect you, comfort you and encourage you to the best of my ability. In the presence of Allah, I bind myself to you for all eternity."

Syed repeated the words, his voice wobbling with emotion, and slipped the ring onto Christian's finger.

Christian's eyes found Syed's and in that moment, it was as if nobody else existed apart from the two of them. Christian wasn't surprised when his eyes moistened and he wondered how it was possible to be so completely devoured by your love and your need for another human being.

"Christian, repeat after me..."

The church doors swung open loudly. Being inconspicuous had never been one of Zainab's strong points. She stood at the door now, as half the congregation turned to look at her. Syed swivelled his head, and, seeing her, his mouth dropped wide open.

'_Mum...you're here,'_ he mouthed thankfully.

Maybe he was expecting her to say something; to apologise; to say how happy she was for her son...but she said nothing. She simply nodded at the two men standing by the altar, then she bowed her head and looked at the floor.

"Christian, repeat after me..." Tamwar tried again.

"No." Christian said, directing a stare at Zainab.

"Christian, please don't..." Syed whispered in horror.

"No, these vows, they feel too...rehearsed. I don't want it to be like that. Syed, I want what I say today to come from the heart." He reached his hands out for Syed's, and automatically, Syed placed his hands into them. "I love you, Syed Masood, with all of my heart. Our relationship has been anything _but_ rehearsed and predictable. We've been through turmoil, disasters...but I would repeat all that pain if it meant I could be standing here today with you. I'm looking forward to being with you, and spending day in, day out with you. I'm looking forward to you driving me insane with your incessant worrying about everything. I'm looking forward to the endless possibilities we'll have as life partners. I'm looking down the line, and I can see us with our children...In fact, I can already see the squabbles, but even better, I can see the make-ups. Sye, I can see us at 80 years old, sipping orange juice and sitting in rocking chairs!"

They both laughed through tears, and Christian continued, "So right now, I vow to make you the happiest you could ever be. I vow to be faithful to you always. To love you always. To honour and protect you. I vow to make you laugh, to be there to wipe away the tears, to respect you, and to be the best husband I can possibly be. I commit myself...to you. All of me."

Syed reached up, wiping the tears from Christian's cheek with his thumb, unable to form any coherent words.

"Unorthodox," Tamwar mumbled. "But we're Muslim so what do we care? If anyone has cause as to why these men should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

A hushed silence fell across the church. Even though everybody was looking at the two men, Zainab felt as if all eyes were on her. Christian held his breath. Surely, this was why Zainab was here...?

Nobody said anything, and Tamwar breathed a sigh of relief.

"Christian and Syed, I now pronounce you...husband and husband!"

Amidst the clapping and the happy squealing (that was no doubt coming from Jane) and the cheering, the two men found each other, first holding each other in a tight embrace, and then kissing each other lovingly and tenderly. When they pulled apart, they stared at each other with a breathtaking intensity, before joining together in another affectionate kiss.

"I love you!" Syed shouted to be heard above the noise.

"I love you too!"

And then there were congratulations after congratulations, as everybody came up, hugging them and kissing them on the cheeks.

"I'm so happy for you," Denise said, hugging Syed.

"Mate, that was beautiful. Really brought tears to my eyes," Fatboy said to Christian.

Syed looked at his brother before breaking the emotional silence with, '_Come here, Tambo!' _and they hugged.

"Can't believe this is it – my brother is finally married. Properly," Tamwar added.

Christian was having a similarly emotional cuddle with Jane.

"Promise me – you too are going to be happy together, and you'll have the best honeymoon ever," Jane laughed happily.

"Oh don't worry, we plan to have a lot of fun on our honeymoon," Christian winked. Jane rolled her eyes lovingly. "As for the rest...he already makes me happier beyond my wildest dreams."

"Never thought I'd see the day. Congratulations!" It was James.

Christian thanked everybody before turning around to locate Sye, but instead, bumped into Zainab. She had quietly made her way up the aisle and was now staring at him with an unreadable expression.

"Zainab," Christian said.

The place went silent. Everybody knew about the tension between the two of them.

Slowly, Zainab extended her right hand in order to shake Christian's. Christian, who was too happy, laughed loudly, grabbed her hand, and instead pulled her into a full embrace.

The talking resumed and there was huge applause. Zainab looked shocked, and her hands hung limply by her side, Syed noticed. But it was a start. She had turned up, she had made an – albeit feeble – attempt at reconciliation with his...with his husband! Syed realised, catching himself grinning hugely and knowing that once again, the tips of his ears would be tinged red.

"Mum." he said.

Zainab looked extremely pained as she turned to him and said,

"Promise me you'll be happy."

He nodded.

"Baby steps yet, Syed, eh?" She said, attempting to smile and faltering.

He nodded solemnly.

"That's Yasmin over there," he said, pointing over to where Amira had the small child hoisted on her hips. A real smile broke appeared on Zainab's face as she walked over to her granddaughter.

"_Husband..." _Christian drew out the word, enjoying the delectable way it sounded as it rolled off his tongue. He put an arm around Syed's midriff, pulling him close so that their hips were touching.

Together they looked out around the church. People were busy talking and laughing, Amira was smiling at Zainab as she held Yasmin.

As Christian had said, their relationship was never rehearsed. Never predictable. And so at least, it was never boring. They'd had their fair share of troubles, but since life was never fair, both of them realised there would be more difficult times to face. For Syed, he knew that he might have to re-evaluate his relationship with his mother. She hadn't fully come to terms with him and Christian, that was clear. But she'd turned up to the wedding, and could he really revoke her rights to seeing Yasmin? Looking at her with his daughter now, he knew that he couldn't.

Another thing he knew was that he'd never been happier in his whole life.

Christian grinned hugely. He could feel the slight pressure of the ring on his finger, something that he loved already and would quickly get used to. He realised now, with his heart bursting with pride and joy, that it wasn't a pressure he wanted to get rid of.

Their life together was always going to be sustained by their love, immovable by their desire for each other, coupled and strengthened by the support of others.

Their future was as never-ending as the rings they wore; as radiant as the sun that sparkled on the silver dew.

**The End. **

* * *

><p><strong>Believe it or not, the dream I had JUST actually consisted of Chryed's wedding day, Christian walking with Roxy, her saying 'You scared?' and him replying 'Terrified.' <strong>

**Somehow this entire fic just materialised around that one scene – and Roxy was even replaced by Lumen so...**

**Haha :')**

**It was planned to be finished in around 5 chapters...and this is the 34****th****. So yeah**

**Hope you've enjoyed this. It's taken many months to write. **

**If you liked it – let me know :) **

**If you didn't like it – let me know :) **

**If you want me to write more fic – let me know :) **

**So yes, ahhhhhh, it's been fun writing this, and I hope you all liked the chapter. I myself am not a huge Zainab fan, but I know some of you out there are still holding for her to have some huge, tear-filled apology to Syed, so I wrote a chapter that would hopefully make everyone happy. **

**I really enjoyed writing this, although it frustrated me at times. **

**I'd like to say thanks to everyone who's read this, added me to their favourite author, favourited it, added it to their stories, reviewed and generally been amazing...**

**THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 3 **

**Mirrorslash **

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**


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